Lauren, who are your medical team. A psychologist, psychiatrist, counselor? It's important you get this help. Who is helping you, anybody?
I know you said it was difficult to do, but can you try mindfulness again, or perhaps a short time meditating. I feel the more you can concentrate on the good things in life the less time you will spend on the not-so-good.
Do you know why your dad was yelling at you? It must have been a huge event to make this memory so vivid after all this time. I don't know what your team is doing for you so I may be repeating their suggestions. Can you write down all the thoughts and feelings you are experiencing? I did suggest a journal but if that is too hard to write every day, perhaps you can down what happens when you have one of these episodes.
Also try to record the good stuff and go back and read it. The feeling of not being connected to yourself is part of the BPD. I hope your doctor explained all about this disorder and how it affects you.
Why do you hate yourself? I know that at times we all feel ashamed of something we have done, or perhaps not done. This is a normal process and helps us to be better people. But you seem to dislike yourself in a more general fashion. It's not good to constantly tell yourself you are bad. No one is ever that bad. Can write down some of the good things you do and post here. It may be as simple as planting a flower, talking to someone and cheering them up, fetching a cuppa for someone. All these things show you are an ordinary person who still cares about others and nature.
Dizzy suggested you spend time in the garden. I find that a great place to relax. I sit in my chair and just watch nature at work. I have written a piece of Haiku poetry for you. It is the shortest poetry in the world, just three lines. As you read it imagine yourself, or go and sit in the garden in these arms.
Nature surrounds me.
I am cradled in her arms.
I am at peace here.
Dear Lauren, please take great care of yourself.
Mary
