Low

[Hopefullseeking]

Feeling extremely low today, thank goodness I am off to see my shrink this afternoon.

Have been going along feeling not great but managing to get through the day. My resting rate as my shrink calls it. 

Yesterday I could feel myself going down and this morning I woke up feeling really low.  Yes I suffer from depression/anxiety/ptsd/gad but with the help of my shrink and a psychologist I am presently seeing on the mental health scheme, I get by. 

Today is a shocker, feel like a heavy weight is squashing me and I don't know why.  Nothing unusual has happened that I can think of.  Saw my mum last weekend and I feel she is a bit more frail but I was aware of that.

Don't know what is going on, don't like it, was feeling a slight glimmer of hope that one day I would feel better but today that has gone.

Life shouldn't feel so hopeless.

[white knight]

Hi hopefullseeking,  welcome here again

Re: "Life shouldn't feel so hopeless."  You are right, but if you are doing all in your power (and you are) then what is not coming your way cant be helped.

When you "wake up" and you are so low, what can you do? You acknowledge that nothing unusual has occured so logic tells me that you fell in a cycle or drifted into one in the previous hours. We know depression and other mental illnesses are present due to chemical imbalances so I'm guessing (I'm not qualified) that therapy and medication is the only real and direct things that can be changed/improved to help you.

There are many minor things that could be looked at by yourself. Change of environment to a more soothing 'bush change' might help. So might things like less social media, ridding yourself of nasty people, taking up a soothing hobby (eg gardening?). I found vegie gardening terrific as it makes produce. Should have seen the look on my wife and my faces when we picked some large water melons yesterday.

You post hints of your non acceptance of your illness. Acceptance is a valuable ingredient of recovery IMO. Management rather than cure. I used to dream and work towards being slim but now I accept my size and weight but try to eat healthily is my own 'acceptance'.

Use search to have a read of the thread "Depression- a ship on the high seas".  It might put things into perspective.

Good luck at the doc's.

Tony   WK

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi Tony and thanks for your reply.

You are very insightful Tony as l do have trouble accepting my mental illness, l see it as an imperfection as a weakness. I'm sorry if l offend anyone reading this, l am just trying to be truthful.

l feel l am doing all in my power to heal but l feel that I that l keep getting slapped down again and by nothing in particular except life.

l am growing tomatoes and the flowers are fruiting, always an exciting time.

Even that hadn't helped. Feel like a lost cause.

Anne

[Shazzydazzy]

How's the garden? I'm growing tomatoes and corn at the moment 🙂

Having a garden helps me a lot. I think I'd go crazy without it. You should try watermelon just for the experience... it's a laugh.

I have some aloe Vera plants too but they don't seem to grow at all. 

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi Shazzydazzy,

Home from my psychiatrist and l am still feeling low. She said the psychologist (who she recommended) is working,the way she thinks is different which is good. She wants to reassess things when the 10 Medicare subsided appointments are finished as l am lucky in that my brother is willing to pay for any additional appointments.

I should feel grateful but it makes me feel humiliated that I can't afford the psychologist and have to ask him.

I want and deserve a break. I want and deserve to feel better. This has gone on for so long and l don't see any relief coming soon.

I am busting a gut to follow both my shrink and the psychologist suggestions.

I need to see a light at the end of this never ever ending tunnel.

[Shazzydazzy]

I know it's a cliche saying don't worry. But yer.... don't worry. It will be fine eventually I promise.

sometimes I lay in the backyard for a half hour in the sun and relax. you need focus And it only comes with understanding what you want. I'm mostly better now but focusing on just living counts as a want. The fact that you want it to get better makes me believe it will. Purely because I've met people who love being depressed and never want to change. You sound like you're sick of it and know it's not how you want to spend your time.

I'm not gonna lie. Being depressed feels Like garbage. You're gonna cry or shut down or simply not move. Time will make it better. Friends. Family. Till then... it's a waiting game and we're here to listen to you and reassure you it gets better. 🙂

[white knight]

Hi HS

Dont feel humiliated that your bro will pay for extra visits. In life some people get extra saving ability, higher education etc. Some dont - its a game of luck or opportunity sometimes. Allow him to help you.

Life will also slap you down often. Other people also get slapped around but most people that do dont show it or soak it up easily.

I think one thing that would help you would be motivation lectures. I attended one in 1982 and it changed my approach to everything.

Finally you said "I need to see a light at the end of this never ever ending tunnel."  Please use search to read the first post in this thread-

What life is like at the end of the tunnel

Tony   WK

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi Shazzy

I do want my depression to change, I couldn't stand the thought of being the way I am now, forever.  I hate the all consuming sadness, I have felt like that the last couple of days.

My PTSD is acting up and I have had flashbacks and nightmares and that always brings me down quite severely. Today I have met two lots of friends at different times and the tears have been there but I hide them so they don't know.  I get tired of doing this.

Hi Tony,

My brother can afford it, and I will mention it next time I email but it doesn't make me feel any better.

I did read the post you suggested.

I get so down like today when dark thoughts are rampant and I wonder if I will ever get there, today it seems like I won't.

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[white knight]

Hi HS

Keep telling yourself positive thoughts. Create them or adopt them, anything that will make you feel better.

In 1996 I became separated from my first wife. We had two little kids. I can recall my low self esteem. I decided every morning to look in the mirror and tell myself "Tony, you are a good man and you deserve a caring and loving relationship". In the end my dreams were realised.

Sometimes we have input to our own luck. Dont pull yourself down lower than you already are. Praise yourself, in the end love yourself. Everything is better that way.

Tony WK

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi Tony

l do try to remain positive and tell myself positives, its hard to do when you are swamped with negatives such as lack of sleep from constant nightmares, flashbacks and depression.

l have positive affirmations stuck on my bedroom wall. Sometimes they help other times they make me feel worse.

l have a very low period and think I can't get any lower but then prove myself wrong over and over again.

l am stubborn and won't give in but at times l don't know how I do it.

Not every day is a struggle but there are not many that are.

l'm sounding incredibly negative so l will stop now.

Anne