Loving marriage with no sex

[Noodle90]

Hi, and thanks for reading. 

My wife and I love each other very much, we often hold hands and kiss etc, but since she became pregnant and gave birth to our son her libido has practically vanished. Our son turns 3 in a few weeks and it is a hard reality to confront, but it has been years since she has been excited about getting intimate. She tells me daily that she is the luckiest woman, and I know how much she loves me (with all her heart), and I absolutely adore her, but when it comes to the bedroom, it's all very one sided. We are intimate on occasion, 5 or 6 times in the last 12 months, but I know she is just doing it for me and it doesn't have the emotional connection I would love. We've talked about it, but when we do I can tell she feels very guilty, and that's the last thing I want! She was diagnosed with depression and anxiety 4-5 years ago, and has regular counselling, and I know she has body image issues (I find her very attractive but she doesn't find herself attractive), I know that these are likely what are causing her low libido,  but I really don't know what to do. 

She would love to want more sex, but I don't know if that is for my sake or hers at this point. 

We've done work together on love languages and I've focused on showing her love in ways that she likes the best, and she does the same, there's just this one snag and it gets me down even though I know why it's happening. 

People comment on how they wish they had a loving relationship like ours, I know that there's no perfect relationship, but it is hard to feel loved, and yet so unloved as well. 

I know that mismatched libido is not uncommon, but I feel that ours is quite extreme. 

I'm not really sure what the purpose of my post is actually, I don't think that there are any easy fixes, I guess I want to put this out there to let other people know that if they're going through something similar, they're not alone.

If anyone has any thoughts I'd love to hear them (sorry for the essay).

[therising]

Hi Noodle90

I have to say that when I got to the end of your post I was left thinking of what a beautiful deeply loving highly conscious person you are. Your wife is so blessed to have such a person as her partner, someone who is conscious of so many of the reasons for her struggles. I feel for you both when it comes to the intimate energy you no longer share in the ways that you used to.

As a 53yo gal, the way I've come to see intimacy has changed so much over the last few years. Now, I know some of this may come across as a bit 'woo woo', as some may like to call it, but I figure, hey, it's about whatever works 🙂. In mental, physical and soulful ways, intimacy is about the energy. If some of the mental energy comes in the form of beliefs (about our self and/or partner) and those beliefs are not positive, inspiring or highly energetic, this can be felt. With physical energy coming in the form of chemistry, synapses firing throughout the brain, cells vibrating or vibing at high energetic healthy levels and so on, when all that's not happening in significant ways then that lack of energy can be felt (aka symptoms or side effects). Then there's the soulful stuff. It's said that if we're feeling ungrounded through a serious or depressing lack of confidence, sense of security, self love or sensuality etc, then that is low energy stuff too that can be felt. One way to look at it all, with all the above mentioned forms of energy lacking, how can we hope to really feel and enjoy an internal course of energy running through us when there's no energy to begin with?  How can we feel what's not there? So, with that last sentence, it can read in 2 ways: 1)As it is in its entirety or 2)simply the part that appears in bold italic.

Looking at intimacy from an energetic perspective, I think it becomes a matter of experimentation, to see what works in the way of generating more energy vs what doesn't work. For example, so much energy can be developed through the imagination. Bring the imagination to life and things can happen. Not sure if your wife is someone who allows her imagination to come to life but an example of using the imagination could involve something like you setting up a candlelit dinner for 2 where her husband doesn't show up but you (the waiter) is there, serving her a meal, having a chat with her, offering her a complimentary shoulder massage with her meal, maybe offering a slow dance to some gentle music to make her happier based on her husband not showing up for the meal and so on. The slow dance can be done in semi darkness, with her being someone who's uncomfortable about her body and now I'll leave you to imagine the rest. Finding a babysitter for the night could help with a more relaxed atmosphere.

From my own experience, while you can feel yourself fully focused on kids, feel the depressing factors that come with depression, feel low self esteem and horrible inner dialogue, feel a serious lack of chemical energy and more, it can be hard to feel anything else. On the other hand, when you can feel through your imagination, through being romanced or seduced, through the chemical shift from a glass or 2 of wine and so on, it's a whole different lot of energy to be felt. It's not about sex in this case, it's about loving each other to life in new and exciting ways, ways that can be felt. Feeling is or feelings are so incredibly important in life.

[Andyrock1981]

Hi! Just resurrecting this thread as I have had similar experiences with my partner and just want you to know you’re not alone! It sounds like you have great insight into the situation and you really value and empathise with your wife’s situation, hats off to you for being so understanding. I think maybe a sex therapist would work really well for you guys as it sounds like you would both be committed to trying their suggestions and working on the issue together. Usually intimacy issues are a symptom of other issues in a relationship but it sounds as though you guys have a really solid foundation to work on. I’d love to hear an update on your situation as im going through a similar thing.