Lost in life

[Hgfddvg]

for some reason I think I hate myself I don’t know why. Feel like I’m wasting my life. Hate working see no way out, I’ve hated every single job don’t see how this will ever change. Waking up getting out of bed is really hard. Don’t stay happy for long. Think about death a lot, suicide. No one likes me. Why my whole life do I have to invite myself to things, I’m never actually wanted. Hate how my friends don’t want to do anything anymore. Hate how I look, I’m ugly Don’t like hair, eyebrows too big, crooked nose, fat chin, smile, teeth aren’t perfect,too hairy, weird arms, un even shoulders, small legs. Hate my personality I wish I was someone different. I wish I had direction, I see no future. Dont know what I’m doing with my life. I hate that I’m 30 everyone else has figured out there life and I haven’t. I still feel like I’m 18. I feel like I’m nothing. I’m scared one day I might self harm

[Sophie_M]

Hi Hgfddvg, Thank you for sharing your experience with us today, we can hear that you are facing some intense thoughts at the moment. We have reached out to you privately to see if we can offer more support but wanted to drop in here as well.  If you are ever feeling unsafe, please call 000 straight away to get immediate support.  We also think it may be worthwhile to call us on 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline on 13 11 14. There are people waiting by the phones who are understanding and caring.  Thank you as well for showing the courage to share here today. This community is a wonderful and safe place that values your experience and thoughts. Please feel free to check back in and share more of your story if you are comfortable, or join other conversations that you relate to. 
  Kind regards,  Sophie M

[Hgfddvg]

Hi, I can’t pin point my problems but here’s my life story.
I’d like someone to help me with my problems and why I’m unhappy with my life which doesn’t make sense cause I’m awesome like everyone else here.

I didn’t really like school, I’m not smart or anything. I started working hated that too. Was working in a factory when I had enough of everything and attempted. Had another job this time in Sales on the phone, hated that too. Didn’t know where I was going with that job so applied for a bunch of things within the company. I asked for guidance, none given, wanted the CEO position, No training was offered or anything. The company got angry at me because I was applying everywhere was told to quit and find myself.

went to Canada 6 months was the plan stayed for maybe 3 years. Learnt how to snowboard. Broke my leg (hit a tree) (don’t know if this event has affected my brain or something). Recovered now summer had a bunch of jobs hated that too. End up coming home eventually, broke up with my girlfriend (was completely broken). Back home I can’t get a job, I start working for my dad. New girlfriend we brake up do to Ultimatum marriage/nothing. I can’t make my stupid mind up. I still think this might be my worst decision I’ve made in my life.

[jenijenjen]

Hi Hgfddvg,

I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. I have been in that dark place so I know what it's like. There is help out there and you can feel better. You've reached out here which is is a really positive move. 

Please try to not pay attention to negative thoughts about yourself, they serve no purpose. Maybe try doing one thing nice, just for you, every day. Sometimes baby steps can lead to giant leaps.

[smallwolf]

hello.

sometimes to make ends meet we have to do things we might not like. That does not means we cannot take steps to move in the direction of doing things we want to do. So I guess part of my reply is to ask what are some things that you enjoy or used to enjoy? what is something you are passionate about? if anything.

I was watching a video on youtube ...  the presenter said that something that was awkward for him might be another persons goal. I noticed in your initial post that you are not happy with both appearance and personality. But it is perhaps these same things your (former) girlfriend found attractive. 

But I also know that when you are feeling low (experience) that any good that exists within us gets smothered by negative thoughts so that we cannot see the good in ourselves. 

And I am also listening, so if you want to chat some more ... 

[Petal22]

Hi Hgfddvg,

I'm sorry you are feeling this way.

I understand that you hate yourself I'm sure just by feeling this way it could be creating alot of negative emotions inside your body and these negative emotions won't be serving you any positive purpose at all.

Sometimes we can feel so negative inside from all of the horrible things we tell ourselves about ourselves.

The key to feeling better about ourselves is choosing to LOVE and ACCEPT ourselves for ourselves because by doing this it will create positive emotions inside us and also give us a sense of worth and confidence.

What are you passionate about?

I understand you hate work and some times we do think this way about mundane jobs that we do day in and day out.

But what if you could do a job that you where really passionate about? Going to this job would feel fantastic every day.

Other people may seem to look as though they have it all together but sometimes this isn't the case.

Have you thought about having a chat to your gp about the way you are currently feeling and what you are experiencing?

[geoff]

Hello Hgfddvg, it is awful when anyone feels this way, but remember when someone feels like this then there is no one that's more critical of themselves than that actual person, that's completely understandable, because even something small that goes wrong, is a major problem when suffering from a MI.

We never give ourselves credit for anything because it always seems impossible to do so, that's how negative thoughts are developed and dominant our thinking and control our lives.

To get a direction in life, can't be done when you are feeling this way, you need guidance in order to do this, sort out the problems you're facing and discuss other options and then suggest a new way forward.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[therising]

Hi Hgfddvg

I feel for you so deeply as you wake up to a sense of self you hate. Personally, I've found this 'waking up' business to be deeply depressing at times. I hope in offering an outside the square take on self hatred, this could help make some positive difference. Btw, I've found a brilliant book to be 'Insanely Gifted' by Jamie Catto, one take on how 'self' ticks.

Imagine you have what you'd call a 'core' sense of self. Like with an old style wagon wheel, the core is the hub, in the centre. Then you have all the spokes coming out from that, representing a number of aspects of who you are. One aspect may be 'the victim' in us, another 'the go get 'em' determined sense of self, another could be 'the risk taker' or 'the excitement seeker', another may be 'the procrastinator' or 'avoider'. So, you could ask 'What part of me am I channeling right now?'. Personally, I'm a gal who's not a fan of the victim in me or the procrastinator. I find these aspects of me to be depressing to various degrees. 'The victor' and 'the activist' are far more inspiring.

Do you feel if you changed 'I hate myself' to 'I hate the _____ in me (fill in the blank)', this could possibly make some difference? For example, 'I hate the victim in me because it never leads me to victory' or 'I hate the procrastinator in me because it never leads me to take action'. As Catto explains, there is no point in hating aspects of our self that came to life at some point, as they came to life for a reason, to serve us in some way. Even 'the vicitm' in us is helpful, telling. It can pop in on occasion to tell us we're being victimised by our own inner dialogue, our outdated perpective (that needs to be let go of) or another person's influence over us.

I've found, over the last couple of years, there are aspects of me that have been waiting to come to life. Kind of like the spokes are there but haven't been recognised yet. A surprising one to find was my intolerant sense of self. This is the one that will not tolerate people degrading me. This part of me is a fearless dictator, dictating 'Do not speak to me like that!'. It's a handy part of us to have at times, a natural self esteem booster.

When you went to Canada, is that thanks to the risk taker in you or the adventurer perhaps?