Will I be able to look back at this dark stage, or will it be with me forever?

[walrusLog]

Some days I look into the mirror and all I see is hate for myself in everything I am or do. Recently after a long term relationship ending, I have struggled with self esteem and having confidence in myself. While being in a relationship I still struggled with a purpose in life but now it has just gotten worse and have turned to self hatred and suicidal thoughts now starting to arise. I have friends and family who listen and it helps but its just been going on for so long I don't see it ever going away. I was just hoping someone here might have some personal experience or advice in general to offer, realistically is this going to stay with me throughout life now?

[Sophie_M]

Dear walrusLog
 
Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums we are so glad that you have made you way here and had the bravery to post. It’s lovely to hear that you have family and friends but we also understand that sometimes, you just need to reach out to those who may be feeling the same way and to receive honest responses and suggestions from fellow forum users.
 
We are also reaching out to you privately in order to offer you some additional support, particularly given that you are having thoughts of suicide.  We are sorry for the loss of your relationship; relationships can be difficult to navigate at the best of times but it’s also common to experience these feelings when a relationship comes to an end.  The following resources and support services might be helpful for you to look at while you wait for a response to your post:
 
Beyond Blue Relationships
 
Relationships Australia


In addition, we have a lovely team of counsellors who are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our Webchat Click Here . 
 
We’re sure you will hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread soon. They’re a really amazing community, and will have understanding, advice and kind words for you.  Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.
 
Regards 
 
Sophie M
 
 

[ecomama]

Hi walrusLog, welcome to the forums. 

It's important for you to get some professional MH support with suicidal thoughts. Calling a Helpline & seeing your GP is a good start. You can receive referrals, possibly an option of medication if your GP deems this necessary. 

I'm glad to hear you have support from family & friends who have been listening & that's been helping you. 
Having a caring proactive MH therapist would be an addition to this as they can provide strategies for you & be a long term support to change your patterns of thinking. 

One thing that a Psychologist friend said to me 2y ago REALLY hit home. This chat made ALL the difference in how I viewed depression within myself and set a more powerful path of healing in motion. I want to share this with you as you also seem to be talking about your thoughts as a form outside of yourself when you said "I have friends and family who listen and it helps but its just been going on for so long I don't see it ever going away."

"it" is not an external force. These thoughts are your mind and you have control over your mind, you just don't realise this yet. "it" won't go away because it's your mind thinking this way. 

Changing the patterns of thinking takes a lot of "catching your thoughts' and diverting them. Once you replace these thought patterns, the old ones will be pruned away. This is called "synaptic pruning". Your brain trims the unused and unwanted thought cycles. 
This practice will see a complete change in your thinking. 
This is something you can control. 
It's a way towards independence and healing from depression. 

It's very difficult for people to stay in long term close relationships with someone who is always talking about their struggles with life purpose and downward thinking spirals. Someone who talks about lack of purpose in life. Especially when their partner is wondering WHY you feel this way when they are with you. 
And isn't the relationship (and those family and friends) purpose enough? 

They are. Taking the blinkers off and realising this may also help. 

Sure! "It" can stay with you. 
Absolutely doesn't have to. It's up to you to change your mind with any and all support you can gather. 

Take care
EM

[Petal22]

Hi wairusLog,

Im sorry you are feeling this way.

I wanted to let you know that “no” you won’t feel this way forever because you are going to recover from what you are experiencing but to do this you can seek professional help.

I have a lived experience of severe anxiety OCD this condition was the hardest thing I have ever been through but I recovered in time.

Your condition is temporary and I believe sometimes we experience these things in our life so we can learn and grow from them.

Im sorry for the loss of your relationship I understand this would be difficult to endure.

Please tell yourself positive things about yourself in turn this will re new your mind and boost your confidence over time.

What we tell ourselves becomes our reality so please start building a beautiful reality for yourself within your own mind.

I understand that sometimes we do struggle with our purpose in life we do question it at times I understand but it’s in those moments of searching for your life purpose that it can become very clear to us…….

Our purpose in life is so much more obvious than we can think and when it becomes clear it becomes so magical that you just want to be it every day.

Have you thought about seeking professional help for what you are experiencing?

You could have a chat to your gp about your thoughts and what you are experiencing they will understand.

As a community we are here to support you please ask us any questions and hold onto HOPE.

[geoff]

Hello walrusLog, when you are suffering like you have told us, then we naturally believe that nothing's going to change and we'll be like this forever, and asking questions while you look at yourself in the mirror won't provide you with any help, so it's possible that you may go deeper into how you are feeling.

The mirror doesn't talk but you can make it talk back to you and that's not good., however seeing a professional can discuss the various options to help you see the light and really sugest you start this by first going to your doctor.

Many of us have been in exactly a similar position to what you're in and never thought we would get any better, but now we can see the end of the tunnel.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[sbella02]

WalrusLog,

Thank you for sharing something so deeply personal with us, and I echo the warm welcome of other forum members.

I'm so sorry to hear about your experience. I hear you. What you're going through is common for many people in your position. My own long-term relationship ended in April, and everything you're describing was very true for me then. While it can be nice to hear words of reassurance and support from family members, you're right in that it does help to hear the advice of others who are going through something similar at the same time as you. I would also like to mention that it can get better, and there are many ways to feel better moving forward.

Have you tried or considered having a chat to a GP, therapist, counsellor, or psychologist about your feelings? Sometimes speaking to an objective third party can be therapeutic, especially if they can offer some professional advice about the steps you can take towards feeling better.

As somebody who struggles with my self-esteem chronically, positive affirmations have been one technique that I've seen used so often, and only recently begun to adopt for myself. Looking in the mirror and saying to yourself "I am strong, I am kind, I am beautiful" sounds like something so simple and small, but you'll be surprised how much power our words can have. We can all be victims of negative self-talk, and we're more likely to believe the words that we say if we repeat them daily, so it's important to be kind to ourselves.

Do you have any hobbies or passions that you love to pursue in your spare time? Engaging in something that requires our mind to focus can do several amazing things for us. Firstly, it gives us time to focus on something positive and productive, diverting our time and energy from negative events that may be taking up space in our minds. It can also allow us to process more difficult feelings - I know that art or music in particular are great ways to express emotions, and the completion of a beautiful piece of artwork or music can also offer us a sense of accomplishment, satisfaction, or pride.

I'm wishing you all the best with this situation, and please don't hesitate to reach out if you need more support. Sophie_M has also provided a few links to some amazing websites that can also offer you immediate support if you're in need.

Sincerely, SB