Lost hope in life and love

Gerby · ‎23-10-2015

I've visited this forum from time to time when I'm feeling down but this is the first time it's felt so bad that I thought maybe I should post something. I'm 28, male, Software Engineer by trade and living alone in an apartment in East Melbourne and never had a girlfriend in my life and it's completely destroying me at the moment having nobody in my life for companionship. I've been sitting here for 10 minutes trying to think how to even start to explain my problems but I think I'll just recap briefly up to this point.

I feel like I was a normal kid up until about the age of 14 or 15 when suddenly I just stopped wanting to go out, I'd avoid my friends requests to hang out with made up excuses and the times I couldn't escape going out I'd be filled with anxiety and unable to enjoy myself. Then at age 16 my father died of lung cancer which was devastating for both me, my mother and my sister so from that point on I didn't have any male role models in my life. The following year my grandfather died (mother's side) so as you can imagine my mother was not in a great place mentally herself, after I graduated year 12 I started playing 'World of Warcraft' and doing virtually nothing else.

'World of Warcraft' was my life for about 6 or 7 years and it was not a healthy habit in the slightest, my anxiety issues worsened along with depression until it got to a breaking point where my mother sent me to see a psychiatrist for a year because I vomited from anxiety of something as basic as going to get my haircut. I slowly worked through my anxiety issues and eventually was able to leave the house again without turning into a train wreck, then came my mothers new boyfriend. Things seemed fine at first but then he'd just snap at me some days and call me things like "worthless", "lazy" and "not a real man" (because I didn't like drinking or going to pubs) so this did wonders for my already low self esteem, my mother would defend me but in the end she'd still keep him around.

To quickly sum up the next few years I ended up going to Uni and walking straight out of Uni into a job, I moved out of home and now I sit alone in an apartment every night wishing I could just find a woman I can relate to or connect with. Every year I lose hope that I'll ever find that someone and I'm starting to seriously question if I'll even make it to 30, I took Tuesday off as an example because I couldn't get myself out of bed.

Can anyone tell me why I'm failing at life so badly?

Gerby · ‎24-10-2015

"Putting yourself out there" is always what I'm told and it makes sense, the question I always have after that though is "out where?", I went to PAX last year with a co-worker and I enjoyed myself however I just can't imagine meeting people there and bonding, it seemed like the kind of event you go to with friends not to make them. I guess what it comes back to is I'm just terrible at starting relationships with people in general and most of my current friendships are either a decade old or I just sort of fall into through friends of friends.

Gerby · ‎24-10-2015

Thanks for the information about antidepressants and as for my anxiety it's still a bit hit and miss, sometimes I can be fine whilst other times I'll still feel uneasy and it's made difficult if the place I'm going to that's making me feel anxious is for dinner or something along those lines (its hard to eat). As for using videogames as an escape its true, I spent most of today playing 'Street Fighter V' just to try and take my mind off of things and for the most part it succeeded. The problem is I can't avoid my thoughts forever and namely when it's time to go to bed I just lay awake for an hour regretting everything I've done with my life.

newvin · ‎25-10-2015

hi bro
its strange reading your story almost felt like reading my own history

no real male role model which massively affected my confidence and relationships
how does a young boy learn anything about being a man with out guidance?

kept it all afloat till about 15 when it all started to fall apart shut my self away from the world and just gamed to pass the time living paycheck to paycheck with no luck in life or love
i still haven't been able to keep a job long enough to have the money to move out
but i found that my main issue was the way i tried to help myself

i would close out the world, my Friends , retreat more and more into my safe cave like comfort zone

then i decided to really start trying not like before this time forcing myself out of my comfort zone in pursuit of happiness i started with walking just to get used people again small tings like that to return to a state of normality

then i decided to go to a Councillor best thing i ever did that hopelessness and loneliness started to fade slowly as he helped me understand myself better and get me doing this that were genuinely helpful to my recovery he started me on anti depressants that help me massively stay above it all

my entire perspective was shifted i now feel that even when i'm down its not too much

you know i even found myself a girl not even sure how it happened it just worked because i was no longer controlled by my issues

i'm single again now funny enough i don't miss being in a relationship before you have had one it seems the perfect fix a companion, feeling loved, sex but it can really complicate things
i think most importantly for you you need to try and stop feeling that being single is bad.

its not your only 28 you literally have 50+ years to find the right girl but what you do need to do now is work on whats making you so unhappy because trust me a relationship will NOT fix the underlying issues.

your state of mind is all that's holding you back from a relationship anyway. Learn to control it stay above it you will find a girl.

if your not please consider seeing a Councillor i will forever be indebted to David(my Councillor) he was my male role model i desperately needed and without him i literately would not be typing this now
you are stronger than you think! 13 years you have fought this bullshit and for 13 years you have beaten it! don't let it win now the next time you are feeling lonely come talk to us we get you bro you are no longer alone

Gerby · ‎26-10-2015

Thanks newvin, your suggestion that not being in a relationship might not be the issue at hand and that I should seek a councilor of some kind isn't such a bad idea, I had feared that if I got into a relationship and didn't feel any better what I would then do. Doing small things such as going for a walk is also something I did when I did my year with the psych and its how she helped me control my anxiety so I can confirm for anyone else reading this that it is a really good thing to do.

rachel2 · ‎27-10-2015

Hi Gerby, I read your story and I want you to know you are not alone. When I was 17 I was diagnosed with bipolar. After I was diagnosed I found it incredibly hard to relate to anyone around me, I shut myself off from my peers and family, my own opinion of myself suffered greatly due to my limited understanding of mental illness at the time - I felt crazy, alone and worthless.

I am 23 now and throughout the years have trailed various medications until I found one that worked for me - at first I was reluctant to try medication, however I can say that having found the right one made my life easier and my moods / anxiety more manageable.

About six months ago I decided to come off my medication and it hasn't been easy. I find myself feeling isolated socially, I am constantly trying to find some kind of stability between my intense depression and manic episodes, and at times I get so anxious that I literally make myself sick or work myself into such a state that I feel totally insane! I know that eventually I will have to go back on medication - this is something I have accepted, it doesn't work for everyone but it works for me. I can also say that exercise (although most of the time it seems like a chore) and changes to my lifestyle - a healthier diet and cutting down on alcohol - have really helped. I've found that getting outdoors and clearing my mind (for me I've found being near the ocean very calming). But by far, the most positive thing I could ever have done was to be open about my experience with mental illness - this has helped me not only to combat my own self stigma, but it has also enabled me to establish a support group of people around me who care and want me to be well - whether it's a GP, psychologist, friend or family member, or even this forum - I think being open about your experience is the best thing you can do.

rachel2 · ‎27-10-2015

Continued...

As for relationships and failing at life - please don't think you have failed! I am single and occasionally I feel so alone and hopeless, I wonder if I will ever find someone. I know as someone who has experienced mental illness it doesn't help when people point out your successes and say "BUT YOU HAVE ALL OF THIS TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT", but I can say that no matter how low you feel, no matter how hopeless things look, when you don't want to get out of bed and you just hope the earth will open up and swallow you, THINGS DO GET BETTER. It sounds cliche, but I see those periods of intense depression like being at the bottom of a deep, dark well - gradually, day by day, you get lifted out, closer to the light at the top, things will start to look brighter, clearer, I promise. I think that taking steps to better your mental health if the first thing you should be focussing on, relationships and all of those things will follow in their own time.

All the best - Rachel

Gerby · ‎27-10-2015

Thank you for sharing Rachel, I've known people with bipolar and have experienced first hand how intensely their moods can change so I know what difficulties you must be going through right now especially at such a young age. You're also right that I should probably exercise more often but as you said I always find it to be a massive chore/inconvenience/source of boredom and on top of feeling exhausted from dealing with my depression its hard to force myself to do these things especially when it means sacrificing the time I'm not at work.

I know over time things seem brighter, even today I feel noticeably better than I did a week ago (I slept without waking up, didn't start the day with a feeling of dread, was able to eat normally, etc.) but at the same time I know in a month or two something will happen again to cause me to hit rock bottom and that I'll need to restart the process of picking myself up again and after doing this for years the cycle starts to feel endless.

As much as I know the first step to breaking this starts with me I still find it hard to bring myself to do anything and I turn to trying to shut everything out instead.

Setsail001 · ‎02-11-2015

Hi Gerby

You've got a lot of good responses here but I just want to add that you are definitely not failing at life! You've accomplished high school, coping with two family members passing away at a young age, moving out of home, uni and a career in what you've studied. You sound very intelligent any girl would be lucky to have you. I myself struggle with depression and anxiety and I tried a meet up group - it was so good! Really helped me to challenge myself, obviously terrifying at the beginning, but as everyone is there to meet others, people are nice and make the effort. There are groups for socially anxious and depressed people too which is great.

I know how scary it is to put yourself out there, and even if you go for 10 mins and decide it's not for you, that's an accomplishment! You never know who you could meet 🙂

Gerby · ‎06-11-2015

As I mentioned before I never felt like those were accomplishments or something I should be proud of because I just sorta fell into them out of having to do something with my life. I am thinking about meetups though and will try to force myself to go to one over the next week or two.

Moonstruck · ‎07-11-2015

Hey Gerby....you have not "failed in life"...far from it! You are recognising your difficulty and reaching out right here...to us....for support....good for you!

My own son could possibly identify with some of your early experiences...in fact he is calling me soon to discuss what a dark place of depression he's been in the past few days.....i don't know what to say to make him feel better. I blame myself as his Mum for allowing my marriage to break down - his father leaving - and my sons having no male role model......sometimes I am eaten up with guilt that I can't "fix everything" for him....or go back and re-run the years when he was a little boy....I am trying so hard to make up for it now he is a man - wish me luck that I can make him feel better...and that he is loved so very much.

my wish for you Gerby is that you also know how special you truly are....and that you are loved. You will get there!