Lost hope in life and love

[Gerby]

I've visited this forum from time to time when I'm feeling down but this is the first time it's felt so bad that I thought maybe I should post something. I'm 28, male, Software Engineer by trade and living alone in an apartment in East Melbourne and never had a girlfriend in my life and it's completely destroying me at the moment having nobody in my life for companionship. I've been sitting here for 10 minutes trying to think how to even start to explain my problems but I think I'll just recap briefly up to this point.

I feel like I was a normal kid up until about the age of 14 or 15 when suddenly I just stopped wanting to go out, I'd avoid my friends requests to hang out with made up excuses and the times I couldn't escape going out I'd be filled with anxiety and unable to enjoy myself. Then at age 16 my father died of lung cancer which was devastating for both me, my mother and my sister so from that point on I didn't have any male role models in my life. The following year my grandfather died (mother's side) so as you can imagine my mother was not in a great place mentally herself, after I graduated year 12 I started playing 'World of Warcraft' and doing virtually nothing else.

'World of Warcraft' was my life for about 6 or 7 years and it was not a healthy habit in the slightest, my anxiety issues worsened along with depression until it got to a breaking point where my mother sent me to see a psychiatrist for a year because I vomited from anxiety of something as basic as going to get my haircut. I slowly worked through my anxiety issues and eventually was able to leave the house again without turning into a train wreck, then came my mothers new boyfriend. Things seemed fine at first but then he'd just snap at me some days and call me things like "worthless", "lazy" and "not a real man" (because I didn't like drinking or going to pubs) so this did wonders for my already low self esteem, my mother would defend me but in the end she'd still keep him around.

To quickly sum up the next few years I ended up going to Uni and walking straight out of Uni into a job, I moved out of home and now I sit alone in an apartment every night wishing I could just find a woman I can relate to or connect with. Every year I lose hope that I'll ever find that someone and I'm starting to seriously question if I'll even make it to 30, I took Tuesday off as an example because I couldn't get myself out of bed.

Can anyone tell me why I'm failing at life so badly?

[MisterM]

Hi Gerby,

You are not alone. I am 31 and have never had a girlfriend. I know how much it sucks and how lonely it is. I guess my anxiety like yours is what is stopping us from finding love.
Your mums new boyfriend is an unpleasant mand, don't listen to him. He sounds like a typical macho man.
There is nothing wrong with not going pubs and drinking.
I would say, go see your GP and take it from there.

Take care.

[StefT]

Hey you have a lot going for you, Uni grad and a successful professional career. Not a drinker, good on you. I really respect people who don't drink. A lot of girls would see you as a catch. I know it's hard to push out of your comfort zone but start looking for ways. The internet is a great resource, you know that. 

[Gerby]

MisterM said:

Hi Gerby,

You are not alone. I am 31 and have never had a girlfriend. I know how much it sucks and how lonely it is. I guess my anxiety like yours is what is stopping us from finding love.
Your mums new boyfriend is an a'hole, don't listen to him. He sounds like a typical macho man.
There is nothing wrong with not going pubs and drinking.
I would say, go see your GP and take it from there.

Take care.

Whilst I haven't been to a GP I have looked into medication before for depression and I find the thought of it all somewhat terrifying, I almost feel as if I was feeling depressed right now I wouldn't even be feeling anything. I've also read stories of things going wrong with meds resulting in suicides which is also very off putting.

[Gerby]

StefT said:Hey you have a lot going for you, Uni grad and a successful professional career. Not a drinker, good on you. I really respect people who don't drink. A lot of girls would see you as a catch. I know it's hard to push out of your comfort zone but start looking for ways. The internet is a great resource, you know that. 

The problem is I don't feel I did Uni and got a job because that's what I wanted in my life, I did it because I had to. I don't feel any sense of accomplishment or pride in it, these things are just a part of life that's necessary to even survive. Lastly if you're suggesting internet dating sites from what I've seen they're pretty much 90% men and what women are there I have so little in common with I feel it's a waste of both our time to even bother.

A large problem I guess is what things interest me is mostly male dominated areas of interest and finding a girl with similar interests (I'm not looking for a perfect match but there has to be some commonality) is a 1 in a million kind of thing. I'm very big into all things videogames (news, e-sports, development, etc.) which probably isn't surprising given how much of a social shut-in I am that sits at his PC most of the day and finding a girl who at least has some vague interest in this stuff is almost impossible, but as I said I'm not looking for Ms. Perfect I just want us to be able to relate on some level and I'd be open to sharing whatever interests her as well.

Pushing out of my comfort zone is a difficult thing I know but I feel that if I have to completely change who I am and do things I don't in the least bit find enjoyable then the kind of person that would attract most likely wouldn't be right for me. My uncle married out of desperation in his 30's and I really don't want to end up like him. 

[MisterM]

Hey Gerby,

I too was terrified of taking antidepressants, took me about a week to work up the courage to take my first dose. My experience has been okay with them. SSRI is what I am on and they are well tolerated and safe.

[StefT]

I can really relate to you, in many ways I have the same challenges. Too much time spent alone has made me asocial, I spent years also enjoying the life sink that is WOW.  I feel that need for a companion. I had one I adored before WOW, when she left me I excepted into the world of pushing pixels for years, big mistake..

It's not about doing things you don't like and changing to get a partner but about doing things you like or don't mind socially to push your comfort zone, experience new things, make new friends and give yourself a chance to meet girls.There is noting wrong with having different interests, it's very healthy. There are enough things that naturally bond people.

 When you meet a girl who likes you. Enjoy the moment, don't be needy or feel the need to put a tag on what your relationship is. If it's working it will naturally progress, if not so what you had fun and it wasn't meant to be, next. Have boundaries on how you want to be treated and how to treat them. At the end of the day if it didn't work you want to walk with respect for yourself.

[Connor]

Hey man

Im in year 12 currently, and i feel ya man, im not qualified at all, but from my POV perhaps you just gotta put yourself out there, to find a girl you like, I am probably no help, but maybe go to Pax aus for some esports convention you might find like minded people, or if you willing to push yourself maybe join a club (something u might like). Or try internet dating, without getting scamed, which i have heard numerous times.

I should get back to studying. 

[Stormi71]

Hi Gerby,

Welcome to the forum. You are 28, plenty of time left to find a relationship. Maybe try to find some groups for things you like, even online groups. There are plenty of girl gamers out there. I understand you playing WOW all the time. Video games are the perfect escape from reality, you can play  a video game and become the character and forget all your problems. 

If your anxiety is under control, find some social groups you can join. It's a great way to meet new people.

Don't be scared of medication. There are many different types of anti-depressants out there. The worst thing you can do is avoid medication. I think the suicidal tendencies can be caused from people stopping their medication suddenly. You need to find a good GP and have regular visits so your care plan can be carefully monitored. I avoided going to see a doctor for a long time, because I was getting a lot of physical symptoms and thought I had a terminal illness. Finally I went to a doctor, went on antidepressants, and all my physical symptoms disappeared and I could function again. Still in recovery, but life is so much better. 

[Gerby]

Thanks StefT, to be honest when I posted here I thought I'd just receive a bunch of generic messages at best but some things you mentioned I can really relate to, namely labeling things. I'm still not sure how I'm going to go forward with my life but your words definitely helped and I appreciate it.