Lost and lonely and needing to get these thoughts out of my head.

[Le13]

Im new to this for forum thing. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and have been on since I was in high school. Lately I have been finding it hard to fall asleep because as soon as I go to bed all these thoughts and feelings just drown out any chance of sleep then morning comes and I don't want to leave my bed. I fake being happy all day to the family and hubby as best as I can and don't really have any close friends or family who understand or that I can talk to. They just put it down to a bad day. But every night my husbands asleep and I lay there and cry until I'm so tired I don't remember falling asleep. Usually when the sun rises I dose. I don't know why I'm feeling like this all the time again. Why aren't my meds working anymore. What's wrong with me. I hate this and I'm hating life. I just want to give up and disappear. Why can't i just be happy. I don't what to be me anymore. Its getting harder to fake it, harder to care, harder to do life anymore. I wish I hard someone to talk too. I don't want the sadness anymore. Life is too hard. What did I do wrong. I feel myself slipping and I don't know if I'm strong enough to stop myself or pick myself back up. I'm just so tired. I just needed to get this out of my head.

[james1]

Hi Le13,

Welcome to the forums!

You mentioned you don't have any close friends or family who you can talk to. I wonder if you have spoken to your hubby about this? A lot of the time people may not understand, but they want to and when we are depressed, we often mistake non-understanding for non-caring. We can also make the mistake of not wanting to burden others with our troubles and hence keep it to ourselves. The truth is people do want to help, or at least just know what's happening. Perhaps you can try speaking to hubby about this.

You also mentioned meds...have you spoken to your GP or another mental health professional about why they are not working anymore? Often we need to have the dosage tweaked as time goes on.

I totally understand what you mean by feeling tired. It makes so much sense when you are keeping a mask on all day long and can only truly be yourself when others are not looking. I think it's time to slowly take the mask off bit by bit. It will help you feel less tired, and have more energy to get your feet back on the ground again.

Please feel free to respond here when you are ready. We're here to help you however we can.

James

[speaking_out]

Hi Le13, reading your post sparked a connection with me and my recent episode. i thought i'd share some thoughts i have been having. No advice as james covered this.

i have had depression for over 18 yrs and been on the same medication the whole time. I've been up and down in dose over the years but remain fairly consistent overall.

this year i experienced heaps of stress and a slow decline in my mood, and how you described you situation is exactly what i felt. I tried doing all the right things (work/life balance, sleep, exercise, cut out alcohol, fake it til you make it etc etc), these strategies provided short term relief, but underneath there was the sense of a constant battle and the rollercoaster was getting so tiresome. I eventually increased my dose of meds, with some brief relief, but the rollercoaster soon sped up again. i continued the wellness strategies and reluctantly i increased my meds to the max dose (which i have never taken before) and thankfully i'm noticing a huge improvement. My social stressors haven't changed, but the black cloud looming over me has gone and i feel "normal" again.

This whole episode got me thinking and I was so worried that my medications no longer worked for me. I started worrying about a future where no medications work for me at all, treatment resistent depression. I'm a huge advocate of "non-pharmaceutical" approaches to managing depression and anxiety, but for me, these are all bandaids. In my personal experience, the cloud only goes away for long periods (years) when my meds are "right".

In saying this, research indicates that without medication, a typical depressive episode usually lasts only 6-12 months (i think from memory), and i'm not sure i've ever stuck out that long to wait and see if it will self resolve. call me weak.

[geoff]

dear Le, we understand what you are saying, why, because it is no different to how I was, but putting on a fake face becomes too exhausting, it's too tiring to continue and eventually you won't be able to keep it up, so now it's time to begin your repair.
You need to see your doctor to have your medication reviewed, and for me my doctor upped my medication to the max., and if they don't work any longer then I will have to change AD's, however that's not what I want to do, because I always get sick when changing any medication, but that's me.
With depression most of time we never know why we have it, although if you lose someone very close to you is a definite reason why you may get depressed, and I think by not knowing exemplifies the depression.
You haven't mentioned having any therapy, which your doctor can start you on a mental health plan, which entitles you to 10 free visits to see a psych, and this is available every year.
If you want to just say to your husband that you don't feel well and your doctor has referred you onto a psych, if he wants to know why, then tell him whatever you feel comfortable with. Geoff x