lonely and untrusting of the world

[Dana J]

my kids go to school, my husband to work and I just sit there staring at my phone, not interacting with anyone all day. I just do some chores and then sit on my own.  My casual job didn't work out. I'm trying to find purpose and goals but I'm genuinely fearful of getting out into the world because I fear rejection. For a year now I've genuinely tried to find joy and connect with people but it never seems to work. I even went rollerblading the other day, a hobby I used to take joy in, only for two men on bikes to stop me while one told me that the path was only for bike riders (not true I checked with the council after). It just made me want to go back and hide. I'm trying though, I'm really trying and I know I have so much to be grateful for but I just can't get past the idea that I'm a piece of sh*t and nobody likes me so I stay in my house. I try to hide it when the kids come home but I'm struggling to keep it contained. Last night at the dinner table my 10 year old kept asking me what was wrong and trying to cheer me up although I said I was ok and smiled at him. Later  I told him that he was not responsible for my emotions and that it was just how my brain works sometimes. My husband is supportive but he doesn't know how to help other than telling me to exercise. I have no family to connect with - there's only my mentally ill mother who has put me through hell the last four years.  I keep trying to find ways out of this but I can't commit to anything and I'm starting to dread any social situations. I've cut back on my friendships.   I was seeing a therapist for a few years but then she told me that my brain was set on a negative path and recommended I pursue neurofeedback therapy instead. I spoke to my GP and she said I would need to talk to a psychiatrist if I wanted to get the medicare rebate for it. I do not want to talk about my childhood crap to yet another professional and I don't think it would work anyway.  I'm so lonely and it's my fault. Believe me when I say that if you have any suggestions on how I can fix this I'm all ears because this just isn't how I want to live anymore.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Dana J…

A very warm and caring welcome to the forums..

I am so sorry sweetheart that your feels lonely and untrusting of the world, I can somewhat relate to your feelings, there was a time that I completely isolated myself from the world and stayed inside my house for many months, to afraid to go out into the world….my heart goes out to you Dana…

Not sure Dana, because we are not Drs or professionals, just people like yourself struggling with our own mental health, but it sounds like depression is trying to make you feel like nobody likes you,  when you are definitely loved by your family…

I was on job search a few years back…(now aged pension)…and a requirement to receive payment was for me to volunteer 12 hours a week, I had no choice, I found it incredibly hard at first, not trusting anyone, afraid to talk to anyone in fear of saying the wrong thing…I was working outback in the sorting room….after a few weeks I started trusting my co - volunteers enough to have some meaningful conversations…and friendships were made…6 years later, I’m now the co-ordinator and work out in the shop serving customers…

Maybe while your children are at school, you might consider volunteering at your local charity shop..another few suggestion….maybe join the schools parent committee, even teaching the kindergarten/infant children to read, most schools invite parents in to help with reading….Not sure if I helped at all…they are just something to get you out of the house and into small groups of people…

I can relate to you not wanting to talk about your childhood again …I had a few counsellors,  psychologists and a psychiatrist and every new one I had, I had to relive my childhood and DV trauma…All of my professionals talked about distraction as the best way to stop negative thoughts brought on by depression and PTSD…it did work for me to get me into a better mindset…things like singing along with a song and doing something I like to do…playing with my dogs…I live alone (widow) and it’s hard to turn a negative into a positive but it is possible with lots of hard work…

My kindest thoughts Dear Dana, with a gentle caring hug…please talk here anytime you feel up to it..we are here to help support you the best we can..

Grandy..

[therising]

Hi Dana

I feel for you so much, I truly do. As a 54yo gal who's struggled in a number of ways since my late teens, when it comes to how to do life, the feeling of being so completely lost that you just don't know which way to go is such a torturous feeling and it can feel so deeply depressing at times.

While I've come to see life as something we tend to graduate through, I've found the question at times can be 'Why the hell am I so stuck on this level, before graduating to next level?'. 'What the heck are my challenges really about?' has come to be another question I'm inclined to ask on occasion. So much easier when we've got a 'fast tracker' in our life, someone who can point out exactly all the reasons as to why we're struggling while they also hold a relatable vision for us in the way of leading us to the best path. Instead of struggling for weeks, months or even years, fast trackers can take us to exactly where we need to be with a 'Here's everything you need to know, in a nutshell' kind of ability.

I can't help but wonder whether your 10yo son is sensitive enough to be able to easily sense your struggles. While it can be a challenge in a number of ways, having a sensitive child, it also comes with plenty of bonuses. Both my 19yo son and 21yo daughter are both sensitives. They can both always sense when there's something up with me, especially if I'm heading into a depression. I smile when I say while my daughter was somewhat of a challenging little kid and a tad on the disobedient side, her nature has come to serve me incredibly well. When she says 'Okay, what's up? I can feel where you're at and you need to talk about it', quite often my response is 'I don't want to talk about it'. Her typical response to that is 'We're going to talk about and we're going to talk about it right now! You're not going anywhere 'til we sort this out'. By the time she's disobeyed my wishes and gained a greater sense of what's wrong with me and what I need, I can feel myself being fast tracked by her. She's an amazing person. My son has an incredible ability to channel the sage in himself. I could ask him just about any question, in regard to my struggles, and he'll tap into wisdom and come out with some zen master kind of guidance. There are also times where he is the only person on the face of the earth who can lead me to laughter when I'm down. It would be interesting to know your son's nature, whether he's an old soul kind of kid who has some answers or some sense of guidance for you. You could always try asking him what he senses that you need to know. 

I think we're always going to meet with depressing self entitled ignorant people now and then and it's hard not to take their nature personally. My gosh, imagine living with such a person. Best they pass us by on a bicycle, never to be seen again😊. 1) that cyclist was in no way uplifting or inspiring, 2) he felt fully entitled to speak his mind, whether his opinion was invited or not and 3) while you gained knowledge of the bike path laws which allow you to roller blade (good for you, btw, you go girl!), he may choose to remain ignorant of the facts because it suits him. While we can feel people's nature, it can be challenging to not become depressed or brought down by it. While it took me literally decades to finally give myself the freedom to express how I feel, others can find it challenging when I announce what I can feel them doing. For a degrading depressing person, I may say 'I can feel your arrogance. I can feel your nature bringing me down. You really need to do something about that'😅. On the other hand, I love nothing more than to tell someone 'I can feel you raising me. I can feel how inspiring and truly beautiful you are'. Wondering whether you and your son are 2 deeply feeling peas in pod, very much alike in a number of ways.

[Dana J]

Hi Grandy,

Thanks so much for writing and sharing your kind words with me. I was volunteering for a while there but I ended up quitting because I felt I wasn't coping very well (I'm embarrassed to admit that but here we are). I do think I should try and look into something like that again. It's just a matter of giving myself permission to trust people again and I will say that the two very kind comments I've received on here from yourself and @therising has reminded me that there are good and selfless people out there, I just need to remove my brown coloured goggles and keep trying.  Dana J