Motive check

[Scared]

Im not doing well.

My meds are not working and Im at times worried i am going out of my mind.  I pathetically check beyond blue forums all day waiting for a notification.  Anything to stop the madness in my head.

I was replying to a serious post and then deleted it because I felt Im using their pain as a way to stop my own.  I suddenly felt dirty when I thought of the Authors post and the seriousness of what they are going thru. I realised I had nothing new to add to help this particular person so I deleted and made a new post.

Posts on here are not written for my distraction but for serious input to which I had none.  Thats how I feel.  I dont know how to get better

Im glad there is some decency left in me because there isnt much else.

[therising]

Hi Scared

The mind is an interesting thing. I can recall some years back being led to wonder exactly what the mind is. One definition or interpretation I found was 'The brain at work'. I thought 'Okay, that makes sense. I'll go with that definition'. I suppose, in one way, it helps explain why the mind changes in the many ways that it does under different circumstances.

• There can be the analytical mind and the non analytical mind or 'being in 2 minds at once'. Some may term this as 'the battle between head and heart' in some cases
• There can be 'losing our mind', where we can lose pretty much every belief system we've ever had (for one reason or another), before gaining a whole new state of mind. It's said that if our ego has nothing to identify with, no familiar belief systems or sense of identity to relate to, it kind of freaks out a bit. So, the things we may be experiencing are a natural but sometimes scary part of 'the non ego state'. The last time we were in that state was probably when we were toddlers (when we had no sense of gender, age, social status etc). We were just our natural self without any definition or identity
• There can be 'out of our mind' where there is no thinking, just pure feeling
• An open mind is fertile ground when compared with a closed mind full of limitation

and the list of mind related states goes on.

I'm actually reading a book at the moment called 'Am I Going Mad: The Unsettling Phenomena of Spiritual Evolution', by Marlyse Carroll. I bought the book many years back and felt compelled to pick it up again recently. It's a fascinating book that offers many unique perspectives when it comes to the mind and things relating to altered states of consciousness.

If you are in 2 minds about coming to the forums, come from the heart. You can simply tell the truth, that you feel for the person you are responding to and you can feel some of their emotional struggle and you wish you could make the difference they're looking for. Sometimes such a simple truth can make a difference in a person's day, with them knowing someone feels deeply for them. There's nothing wrong with altering our state of consciousness, from being conscious of our own pain to becoming conscious of someone else's need to feel heard and supported. I know it may be easier said than done but don't doubt you're a good person with a kind heart who is struggling themself. ❤️

[Scared]

This depression is like a nightmare I cant wake from.   

[Scared]

Replying to posts at first was automatic with no particular motive accept to offer some assistance . Then my selfesteem somehow got involved in which my reply had to be the only one that mattered.,  Fortunately I got over that motive quick smart..   Then I just settled in to being one of many other replies to which I was happy being but more importantly essential to a rounded response because its not all about me and I dont have all the answers so there is a good motive for me to shut up .So Im evolving and ordinarily people dont analyse their inner journey of motives about a simple thing as writing in a forum.  But I was led today in thinking about my motives when I wrote a reply to really help myself and the original post that Im replying to came a second place..   This came to me as a surprise and a marker for how really sick I am becoming.   Im now living in the forum and my intelligence says this cant be good..  Thank god there are people checking my posts.  These replies ought to come from a place of wanting to help and share experiences not for my need for light from the dark windowless eerily quiet sickness which is my life.

Please I hope god or my pysc helps me soon because i am out of my mind with pain.  I cant take much more of this agony.  Every second of every day im aware of pain.  Its a slow cruel death .

I know the truth they cant fix me and the cavalry arent coming.  Twenty years of this and im done.

[therising]

Hi Scared

I think one of the hardest journeys to take in life would have to be the one that entails self consciousness. It can be especially tough when doing it largely alone. While it's a bonus to have a really good psychologist or counsel of some type, how do we manage all the days in between seeing them, days that can definitely feel like a form of torture at times?

I've found self consciousness or self awareness can take us on many different paths and some of those paths can be incredibly dark and depressing in certain sections. While 'ignorance is bliss', what happens when we begin to wake up to certain things? It can become a matter of 'I can no longer ignore...'. For example

• I can no longer ignore the pain I have caused others because now I can feel their pain and it is excruciating
• I can no longer ignore my self focus. Why am I so self focused?
• I can no longer ignore the lack of meaningful relationships in my life, based on me now feeling the lack so deeply
• I can no longer ignore the lack of enlightenment in my life, based on me feeling the true intensity of the darkness I face and feel

Whether we choose to call this an existential crisis or a 'dark night of the soul', it can get incredibly dark at times. It can feel like the cruelest part of waking up. It can be about waking up to something with no great light being shed upon what we're waking up to. So, there we are, in the dark with no answers, no revelations to move forward through, no light or enlightenment to stop the suffering and eliminate the darkness. It's a truly horrible place to be, semi awake in the dark.

I've found that self consciousness or self awareness can have psychological elements, physical elements and even soulful elements to it. It's quite the mind/body/spirit rabbit hole, with a heck of a lot of twists and turns and intersecting points. It's extensive, I think because there's so much to wake up to. We are incredibly complex and truly fascinating creatures, indeed. I've found having guides in that rabbit hole makes a big difference, those who can shed light on things while offering the best direction.