Loneliness, days alone, and finding someone who understands.

[Christine0912]

Let me start by saying I have never posted here before and honestly I don't know what I am trying to achieve. I guess I'm just looking for someone, anyone, who understands this misery. I am a 25 year old woman and by all appearances I have a great life. I have a good job that I love, and amazing supportive partner and family, and fantastic friends. And yet I have never felt more alone.

I have struggled with anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. However in the last couple of months I have reached levels of misery, loneliness and emptiness that I never thought were possible. I am so tired. I am so tired, and yet no amount of sleep makes the fatigue dissipate. I have reached breaking point. I have no desire to harm myself, but I don't know how much longer I can endure this hopelessness.

Both my parents have their own struggles with mental health and addiction, so I feel as though I can't talk to them because I don't want to add more stress to their already difficult lives. My partner loves me and wants me to be healthy but he doesn't know what to do. He doesn't understand why I can't just 'be happy'. I know they are just trying to help, but I am SO sick of the people in my life telling me to just 'go sit in the sunshine' or 'get out of the house' as if that is going to be some saving grace that I haven't thought of before. Don't people know how badly I want to have the energy to get myself ready and go out into the world?

On my days off, I spend my time at home staring into nothingness or sleeping. I barely have the energy to shower or feed myself. I guess I'm wondering if anyone else is feeling this way and if so what do they do to help themselves on days where the emptiness feels like it is consuming you? It took me a long time to realise that this is an illness. I am seeing a psychologist and taking medication. I am doing all the right things, so why doesn't it feel like I am ever going to get better?

[pipsy]

Hi Christine. It's fantastic you have reached out and asked for help and support. Anxiety/depression is tiresome, you will feel sometimes as though you'll never feel good again. Then you get told to 'snap out of it' or 'go for a walk'. People who say that are trying to help, but because they can't feel what you're feeling, they have no idea that what they're saying is causing more pain. It's great you are seeing a psychologist and you're taking AD's. With the AD's they may take time to kick in, you may need them adjusting till they start working. Maybe you could start writing in a journal your feelings of anger, frustration, hurt when insensitive remarks hurt. I had some pretty insensitive, hurtful remarks said to me last weekend. It took me a bit of time to work through them, but after I thought about what had been said, I decided I wasn't going to take the remarks 'on board'. I managed to tell someone, once I told this person, the pain receded. If you can talk to your psych about some of the things said to you that are non-productive, plus write down your feelings about these remarks, this seems to push the remark away from you. Rather than bottling it, you need an outlet. Keeping a journal, talking to your psych or a good close friend you trust is another way of 'getting rid' of the hurt. Also keep posting, we're pretty good at helping to take some of the pain away. You are on an emotional roller coaster. Keep John Denver's 'Some Days Are Diamonds' as a reminder when things seem to get too bad and the days seem to take forever till the night comes, song. Some days are definitely diamonds. Some days will be stones, but after a while the stones do roll. Another way of helping you feel better. Each time you achieve something, reward yourself. If you can spend time enjoying the sun, that's a reward for achieving getting out of bed, going outside. That makes that feeling a diamond, not a stone.

Lynda

[Nonny]

Hi Christine,

Welcome to the site!

I feel worried about you. It sounds like you are in a rotten space. When I am in the type of space you describe I too find the go out in the sun theory not useful never, but other things do. It's great that you are seeing a psychologist, does it help? Have you thought about going back to your GP and letting them know how absolutely rotten you feel? You may be on the wrong meds, maybe its time for a review? It may not be the depression and anxiety thats the cause but something else, a readily treatable condition that is making you feel this way. How long have you felt this way?

I've over thirty years of mental health issues and have had to change meds over that time. Once I was so low in that I could barely move, so it had nothing to do with the other meds I was taking.

You have a family history of mental illness and definitely need to let all this out and talk to someone, is your psych useful? Why can't you talk to your parents? I understand if they are going through some crises you may be reluctant, but if they are okay they may well be the best people to understand what you are going through.

It's great that you have supportive partner and friends, but they are not in your head nor can they really understand what the overwhelming tiredness feels like, but do tell them anyway so they have some idea.

Sweetie, I'm not medical person, but so wish you would find the energy to go back to your GP and if that doesn't work, get a second opinion, (Doctor's are human too and can have their own set of biases). Twenty five is far too young to feel this way. Go on pick up the phone and make an appointment.

Keep in touch, you're not alone. You won't always feel this way.

x

[Pelayn]

Hi Christine

I just wanted to let you know i too feel this way. I have a wonderful husband and two beautiful children but can feel so incredibly lonely at times.

I have just come out of a few very bad days where my husband had to take time off work to take the kids to school. All i did was cry and sleep for almost 3 days.

I am also on ADs and having therapy but find it hard to see the way out the other side. And its exhausting.

For me it was time. I let myself cry then as soon as there was a hint of 'light' in the darknesd i did something normal like a chore. I felt pround of myself for trying to move forward. Then slowly i did a few more daily tasks. I'm heading back to work tomorrow after three days off so hopefully i can face the world again.

You are definitely not alone. My husbands belief in me is helping me to keep trying to win the battle even when i don't feel like trying.

Look after yourself.

Julie