Loneliness and depression

[wow_za]

Hi guys,

This is my first time posting in any kind of forum, to be honest. I've struggled with depression and intense anxiety for probably about 12 or 14 years now - since my early adolescence. Although this has really only beig apparent through retrospect. I am in quite a bad lull or hole at the moment - since around Christmas. It's having an absolutely devastating effect on my relationship, my actions, how I interact with the world. I am currently in a really bad stint - the worst in a while. I fear that I am going to make some rash decisions that I will strongly regret later on, but right now my emotions are influencing how I really feel (I think?). I am so inconsistent in what I want and how I feel that it makes it ao difficult to move any direction and I feel helplessly stagnant. My boyfriend only gets frustrated with me, lacks empathy and interprets my depression as a personal reflection of how I feel about him. I try to explain it's not a catalyst of our relationship, and that I would feep this way regardless of whether I was with him or not. Although I really am finding being with him at the moment is making things worse as my deep depression at the moment is really affecting him I think, and he doesn't know or understand how to deal with it. But hia frustration towards me really isn't helping at all. I am so scared of leaving, as over the years I have pretty much pushed all my friends (and kinda my family too) away. I'm afraid to be alone and be isolated with my depression, but I have no interest in socialising right now (thw irony is ridiculous) or doing anything quite frankly. I'm scared I will delve deeper into my depression with nothing to tie my to reality. I feel completely trapped, both by my depression and my feelings (they are constantly changing that I don't know what to believe). I think I have gone through most my adult life trying to please others at a total detriment to myself. How do I learn to love myself? I want to be able to navigate through life independently and not rely on others to keep me from feeling alone and isolated. Right now, I have no idea where to go or what to do. 

[CraftyDivaz]

Sorry for any errors, hard to type on iPhone. 
I hope moderators don't find I'm causing trouble posting so much. As desperate as I am for help/feedback I'm also desperate to be helpful to others.

Wow_za you could have explained me, I have similar experiences. Only your boyfriend had some level of paranoia perhaps that makes him convinced your depression is related to your feelings about him? Have you tried providing him with info about depression, info on other parts of this site or others might help. 

It's always good to give yourself time to reflect on any decision you want to make. Try to see if you really agree with the decision once you think on various different options before committing to any life changes.

Eg: I find it hard to make any important decisions cause I've made lots of bad decisions in my past. When I feel confused what to do I give it a few days if possible to see how I think n feel. 

If friends n family really love n want to help you they should really be understanding of your needing space some of the time. As long as you have no major issues with them, mature people should be ok with you wanting to talk some of the time when you're ready to. 

I also lived most of my life "trying 2 please others" it's hard to stop n once you do people often think "you've changed" n they can be unhappy about it. But it's better for you when you are able to find your own way to live n bad relatively happy in your own way. You don't need other people to always approve all you do, don't know if you feel you're still doing it but when you do stop don't remember that what you want/need also matters. I learnt to live without people in my life that prefer me to stay as a pleaser & spend time only with people that accept me as I am. I hope one day if not nod you can work towards similar, you should be aLlowed  to be yourself!

CraftyDivaz

[Snoopy33]

Hi Wow_Za,

Sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time right now. I also suffer from anxiety and depression and struggle to be social. I try and please everyone and act in a way that I think will suit them so much so that I have come to a point where I don't even know who I am and what I am interested in. I am very afraid of being alone too and have gotten quite clingy To my long term partners including my current partner who gets quite frustrated with me a lot. He was quite good with my depression to start with but I guess because it has been an issue for so long now he gets a bit fed up when I get upset about something. When I try and put myself in his shoes, I know it would be really hard to cope with the person you love being so unhappy and would be hard not to think it wasn't your fault in any way. Perhaps you should try and talk to your partner about depression and anxiety a bit more and give him some information on it (possibly even suggest the BB site as there are many people on the site that don't suffer from a mental illness themselves but have a loved one that does and it gets really hard for them too). As I struggle from a fear of ending up alone myself, I'm not sure on the best advice but I think it would be helpful if you talked to a Psychologist about it. If you haven't already, you can start by talking to your doctor and organizing a mental health plan. Thinking of you. Hope you start to make some progress soon.

[White_Rose]

Dear wow_za

Hello and welcome. Great that found your way to BB. Depression is a horrible illness to have and to live with. And of course it affect other people in your life, which makes it worse. Your comments about pushing people away and your inconsistency in knowing or understanding your needs is a familiar story. Not sure if that makes you feel better or not. Many people are relieved to find they are not alone in this.

You do not mention if you are receiving any medical assistance. If not I do suggest your next step is a visit to your GP and have a good chat about your life. Also read up about depression. BB has a huge amount of information which you can access by exploring the blue tabs at the top of the page. You can download or send for hard copies. It may help your BF to understand what is happening for you.

Please continue to write in here.

Mary

[wow_za]

Hi Snoopy,

Thank you so much for your kind words. It really is amazing that for how isolating and lonely depression and anxiety are, so many people suffer and experience it. It's a bittersweet comfort knowing that there is a expansive community out there experiencing such parallel feelings.

I have opened up to my partner more in the last couple of weeks - it's true that communication really is the biggest factor when navigating through a relationship. I guess the fear, shame and anxiety that depression creates stops even the most intelligent people from sharing their vulnerabilities to the ones they love most. So thank you for your encouragement! I feel that if I can maintain being more open with him about how I'm feeling then hopefully things might be a bit less explosive.

I feel like the self-hate that so often comes with depression really contributes to the loneliness, social isolation, and insecurities in relationships. If we can't love and accept ourselves it makes us so vulnerable to problems interacting with others.

Thanks for your post - it was really heart-warming and made me feel like I wasn't alone in this 🙂

I hope you are well, and you check in 🙂

J

[White_Rose]

Hello Wow_za

I am happy for you that you have started to be more open with your partner. It's a terrific step and very brave of you. I used to hate it when someone said I was brave about something. In some ways I was scared of being brave and doing what was right for me, and scared that if I showed I could something on my own or have my own opinion that I would lose out in some other way. So people calling attention to me being brave was quite scary. I hope you understand my somewhat muddled explanation.

So congratulations on your achievement.

Self hate is so destructive. Are you having any counseling? It may well help you to get rid of this awful feeling. Do you do anything to stop hating yourself? By that I mean do you challenge yourself when you have these thoughts or feelings? For example, if you do something that you afterwards feel was silly, do you immediately tell yourself you are stupid? Instead of doing this can you step back from the action and ask if it was silly at the times? Would other people have carried out this action? Was it really silly or merely unfortunate? Are you allowed to make mistakes? Can others make mistakes?

I hope you get the process. Doing this can help to stop belittling yourself. Everyone makes mistakes and you are not expected to be perfect all the time. So when you come to the conclusion that it was not as bad as you were telling yourself, then ask what you have learned. Probably that you are as human and fallible as the rest of us. You do not have a "stupid" gene in your body. Reminding yourself of this every time you start on the "I'm no good" trail, remember to look at your emotions and reasons. Very rarely do we do things out of spite or hatred.

There are enough bad things happening to us and others to make life even worse by beating ourselves up. Trying to please everyone is, as you have discovered, a dead end approach. Been there, done that. You are entitled to your opinion no matter how incorrect it may appear to others. When you have made arrangements for yourself, it's OK to enjoy those activities and not change them because of others. Even deciding to spend the day at home pottering around is your decision. It may appear to others you are doing nothing and they can claim your time, but this is not right. Your time is a gift you give to others, not something they can demand.

Mary

[Fulminator2]

Christmas has a lot to answer for in my experience: so much expectation of twinkling eyes and dimpled smiles of blithe optimism and legions of family and friends who are trigger-happy on the hugs and the praise. The reality for most of us is pretty hard to take.

Peter.

[Snoopy33]

Hi J, I'm so happy that I could help you in some way. I like communicating with people on this site and reading posts as it reminds me that I am not alone.

I feel like the self-hate that so often comes with depression really contributes to the loneliness, social isolation, and insecurities in relationships. If we can't love and accept ourselves it makes us so vulnerable to problems interacting with others.

I can't agree more with what you wrote (above). We all really need to learn to love ourselves for who we are. I just struggle with all those negative thoughts that race through my mind and takeover the positive thoughts that try and pop in now and then. I don't even realize my thoughts are so negative until I start to feel bad! That is something that I definitely have to work on.

I hope you continue to make progress and maintain good communication with your partner. Please keep in touch:-)