Living a fake life

[SallyJones]

I have been a sufferer of depression for a long time as a result from traumatic experiences as a child being bullied. Now at 28 I live a life that most wish they had. Married, daughter, built our home, well paying jobs ... That's at least what people think

I manage to struggle day to day anxiety attacks and feel depressed most of my day. I feel selfish that I hadn't put myself first and tackled this condition but I've lived my life this way forever, I'm use to it and think 'I'll try tomorrow'. Given myself no credit, constantly setting myself high expectations and always putting others before me. My family turn a blind eye, my husband try's to be supportive but he is a go getter and can't truly understand depression, I know he finds it unattractive. My friends/work have no idea how I feel but I have become very unsociable and I get the impression I'm not that fun person to be around anymore. I've been able to keep it for a secret for this long and I'm burning.. I've tried medication and I hated it, I have seen a psychologist and I'm so unstable I can't maintain my visits. Lately, I just want to sleep.. My job is stressful and I emotionally eat and in result I have gained a lot of weight which is a huge contributor to the way I feel/and see myself. How do I overcome not feeling guilty for having 'me' time, how do I even have 'me' without feeling so bored and sad and guilty from being away from my husband and daughter.

It makes me sick that my daughter has an unhealthy mother, I want to be her role model!! And I feel terrible that I'm holding my husband back from life with having such a miserable person to be around.

I need to start changes now before I continue this fake life and have no one left around me.. 

[Guest_2350]

Dear Sally, 

well done for doing the first step and reaching out here in the forum. That is very brave and I am sorry to hear you're having a hard time. 

I am a little bit older than you and have carried around burdens from my childhood and youth and live the perfect life from the outside, family, friends, successful career... But in the last few years I have first lost the energy to pretend and then my body started to fail. I had to stop and suddenly found that I felt very very lost. Suddenly I needed to take "me time". It is difficult and I wish I would have taken "me time" when everyone already pointed in that direction many years ago and when I had more energy to deal with it. But I thought I was stronger, I thought my past could not affect me, I thought the presence was more important, I thought I would never get down. I was wrong. 

I had many attempts to start talking to a professional and every time I chickened out. Until I talked to my GP earier this year. It was a tough time to start talking about it and it is tough now. But I am learning. Little by little. 

I can understand your feeling of guilt and it is something that I carry with me as well as the feeling that I don't want anyone to worry about me. But I had to let go. 

 I am not sure if you have a GP you would like to talk to or you could aso call the beyondblue helpline. They are really nice and can point you in the right direction or just listen to you. You can also email them if that is easier. 

 Good luck for your journey and stay in touch, Yggy x

[IAMTHAT_IAM]

Hi Sally

two words "be selfish" sometimes we must make that decision  trust me when you come out the other side it has improved yourself and that effects everyone around you!

The other thing is that every day these mental health issues are making ground and being understood by others but it may take time. There are still people whom don't get it, make fun of it and even refuse to make it real, my work colleague was like that until he got his first panic attack! Just understand Sally your no burden, it may take others time to catch up so be selfish and work out what works for you! Look its no quality of life until we do and then we will wonder why we didn't do it sooner.

Ok you hated medication, the truth is so did I and many others. Theres not only one type meds, nor is all psychologists the same! you need to find one that works for you! I went to one for ages paid out of my pocket really didn't feel any better but kept going coz I was having panic attacks on a weekly basis at work. Then another time I got a referral from my GP for 10 sessions under the national mental health program, had a guy Dan appointed for these sessions and he did ratings, exposer therapy and within 6 weeks was doing things I thought not possible again. So really don't think what you have is all you got! Or that paying the most gets you the best service!

Your so called "me" time is really head space time and everyone needs that, my partners a bit same and she asked me in an aggressive way once "why is it ok for you to go downstairs, sit on the beach everyday for an hour while I'm running around getting the kids ready for bed and school next day?" just like kids people and even family and loved ones can be so cruel sometimes but you need to say stuff that Im doing it for me!!! don't let it worry you, don't feel guilty, basically tell your self that you know best on this one and nothing can change that so live with it.

My mind is a crazy racer and I took some time out and studied the law of attraction where you need to keep your moods positive most of the time to attract what you want but I couldn't get control of my own mind so I started making up games, one such game was called swipe it right! a worry or negative thought ur my mind simply swipe it right like on a phone and its gone never given a second of my time. This really works cool and I can fill my thoughts with more meaningful positive thoughts!

hope something helps but hey...........be selfish!

Kind regards Aaron

[SallyJones]

I have never found myself a great GP, one that truly has the knowledge and experience in assisting people with deep depression. I once thought I found a female doctor but I left again with another prescription for medication which this time I tried and after 6months I decided to stop as I couldn't feel a thing.. emotionally..

After my psychologist visits, I would often think to myself 'ok you're not crazy and that was so ridiculous of you, you're strong and far from depressed' then.. my life takes a turn or something happens to trigger my rejection in life and bam!!! I'm a mess.. 'You weak piece of shit, no one likes you, how the hell am I going to get out of this one?' 

It's an ugly cycle.. 

Maybe the answer is to be selfish and take control of my thoughts and life! !

How do I reprogram my brain to think opposite thoughts and to NOT feel so bad for having fun on my own?? 

I'm so paranoid people are talking about me 😞 

I like the swipe it right technique - I will defiantly try it!

My most challenging part of the week is my job and dealing with young people in care who have also experienced traumatic backgrounds and in result have bevahioural issues. I do 10 hour days some days and I am so emotionally drained hence the no time for myself.. I was once strong in my industry but since my recent deep depression I am not coping. 

Change of job? Career? It devastates me that I'm giving up on these kids, I felt a life obligation to show them better things in life but now I'm suffering and I'm too embarrassed to talk to my work and friends. 

Thank you for your replies, I didn't think I would get a response.. It's nice to know there are supportive people out there with advise from their own experiences.

Sal

[IAMTHAT_IAM]

Hi Sally

yes the doctor or GP thing is hard to find as they tend to prescribe something as you stated, I once went to one after dozens whom put the computer aside and focused in on talking to me and asking questions. I felt like someone was actually listening to me and understood something about depression, anxiety and he was empathetic in a genuine way. He didn't offer drugs or change in medication he actually said talk with someone who deals with all the time and has experience in medications also + it was a mental health referral and 10 sessions for no cost to me so I was sceptical but Dan the Psychiatrist was awesome, i got my meds at a great level, he did excursuses and only focussed on the problems in daily life I presented to him and after years of a scary cycle I have had 3 years with no panic attacks, no delusional states from being overwhelmed and whilst I haven't been 100% just taking that part away has given me some relief. You know as well as I there are many different factors and things involved but its a good base to grow from.

Your work seems so rewarding and purposeful and I commend you on that, it takes a really special type of person with impeccable values to do that kind of work so give yourself a lot of credit for that!! But remember to always debrief or shed as I was told when I worked with other youth with these backgrounds as our very human nature always even if not conscious seems to take others problems onboard, we can't help it we care!

Ok for the reprogramming the brain, its possible! yah! no seriously some triggers are just plain baffling the way our inner self determines what will effect us and why!

I understand about work & friends Im too scared to tell anyone because the stigma in society and what Ive seen says you will never be looked at in the same way again, sad really but no one really understands this unless they have gone through it and thats why I stick to GP, therapist and you atm anyway.

Who do you get paranoid about talking behind your back?

Aaron

[Guest_2350]

Dear Sally,

 thank you for sharing your thoughts, you are not alone, there are many that struggle like us.

My GP at first wanted to give me medication, but I told him straight out that I don't like the idea and after some research on the internet I told him I would not take it. He accepted that. Over the months our relationship got better, he helped me through some tough times with the psych and eventually I felt like I needed to give the meds a try - but I needed to make that decision myself. I don't know how much experience my GP had with depression, I don't know how much work he has put in to understand how to help me, but it is good to know he is there for me. I see him every two weeks and I am glad I have that support. But it meant from my side as well to open up and to disagree, to try new things and to voice my opinion. Someone on the forum here told me, that this is my journey, that I need to be comfortable with what is happening and that was a great piece of advise.

My level of accepting that I am sick and that I need professional support, medical intervention and letting go in my private life took a serious turn when I realised that I would literally kill myself in the process if I did not change my attitude. Since that dark weekend I have talked to my husband and a friend, I cooperate better with my new psych, I am not afraid to call the helpline here when I feel the downward spiral... I decided that nothing is worth me losing my life. And this includes all aspects of life, work, family, friends... I just need to look after myself now. I will benefit no one if I just disappear one day. 

The emotional drain has improved since that day, I still have pretty bad days and very rare days when I feel happy or "normal" but I think I have taken a turn in the right direction. 

I hope that you will take "me time" and I hope that you will ask and accept help. It sounds like you are doing a very good job helping people and you have a little family - there is so much to live for. 

Stay in touch and take care, Yggy x

[Ellie05]

Hi Sally,

First of all, there's no shame in putting yourself first and giving yourself a little 'me' time. No one is the perfect wife, mother or employee, but it can be hard not to feel guilty when experiencing depression. I'm constantly apologising to the friends and family members who have supported me recently and they keep having to remind me that I'm not a burden, that having me in their life is still enriching despite my struggles. 

At the end of the day we all have to support our loved ones through tough times and struggles - depression is one of those struggles. Trying reminding your husband that even if he can't make you better, his support means to the world to you.

I'm currently reading the book 'Change Your Thinking', by Sarah Edelman and I've found this quite helpful. Calling a helpline like Beyond Blue or Lifeline can also be good if you feel you're in a dark hole that you can't pull yourself out of.

[ci]

Hi SallyJones 

Read your post and had to reply I can relate so much to your situation I find that from the outside my life looks great and it is I have everything I ever wanted more than I thought I'd achieve in my life wonderful husband who finally supports my illness and is there for me 3 amazing children who I love more than anything a beautiful home not perfect but pretty close for me. Seems so crazy that I'm falling apart I have depression panic disorder and ocd. Not medicated I'm scared to take it. I can't do anything for myself the guilt is huge can't even buy myself a coffee down the street feels like waste of money to spend on me don't feel like I'm worth putting time into. I seem to think that my life is not worth as much as others I feel guilty I'm not doing something for someone. I hateit

You would never know if you met me though I've hidden it well until lately. My advice is to get some help before you explode I think my ocd is out of control and got to this point as a result of not treating my depression and just hiding it. If I would have got help earlier taken time for myself I wouldn't be at the point I'm at now life is impossible simple things like cooking with ocd can be the most traumatic thing. 

I not functioning at all I've lost all my friendships cause I've pushed everyone away in a last ditch effort to hide my problems I lost all energy to keep hiding them. 

I hope your feeling OK today and find the time and energy to put yourself first. That saying is definitely true if you don't look after yourself first you can't take care of anyone else. Maybe take small time away from work if you can I know you worried about letting the kids you help down but if you think about it taking a month away getting some treatment you will be back as a much better functioning person ready to help those kids. I'm not sue of your situation I'm just assuming this is possible for you to take time of?

[SallyJones]

Unfortunately due to financial commitments etc there is little room for having time off. I called in sick yesterday for the first time, in a long time. And honestly, I slept, and watched movies allllllll day!! felt guilty and naughty but I've been so over it lately, I needed it. Not sure if I feel better or worse. 

Back at work today and pretending I'm strong as ever.. 

Trying to change my way of thinking..

ci- no one would know I feel like this, we do sound very similar.. It's nice to know there are other women out there that are experiencing the same.

I think during my next explosion I will certainly reach out the the helpline if I feel it is unmanageable. 

I must allocate time to myself everyday to recollect my POSITIVE thoughts in order to get through the next day.. (Cause singing like a crazy lady in the car on way home apparently hasn't been enough) 

You are all wonderful and I appreciate your time in responding. Sometimes it just takes a non judgmental conversation between strangers that can uplift you. 

Sal

[IAMTHAT_IAM]

Hi Sally

It won't be long before we get sick pay and a few mental health days per year! I love what you are starting to do for yourself keep up the great work!

and keep singing in the car!

Cheers Aaron