Learning to forgive myself

[girl_interrupted]

I've never shared this with any of my friends. When I was a young, naive teenager I feel pregnant to the type of guy you wouldn't bring home to meet the parents. Being so young, I struggled greatly with coming to terms with the gravity of being responsible for another human being, but also felt the overwhelming excitement of creating a little person and being a mum. All those maternal instincts kicking in and so many hormones and emotions going on for me all at once. After much counseling and consideration I decided to terminate the pregnancy. The pain of carrying to full term and then giving up the child for adoption was too great for me, and I was not fit to raise a child on my own. Looking back, I felt a lot of pressure from my family and the counselor in my decision but I knew it was the right thing to do at the time, for many reasons. It kind of felt like the easy way out. But I agonized over my decision, and I've spent most of my life hating myself and regretting it. I never forgave myself. I had nightmares for years and still now I get a deep pang of guilt and shame when I think about it. I do wonder how different my life would be if I had chosen a different path. I feel like such a selfish, horrible human being. I had a choice and maybe it was the wrong choice, but at the time I was not able to make those decisions for myself. I guess we all make poor choices in life and have to learn from them. Trying hard to let go. I'm learning to forgive myself. It's hard tho.

[Starwolf]

Hi Girl_Interrupted,

Kudos to you for taking this brave plunge. I'm glad you found it in you to share this burden.

Reading your post, I feel certain that the decision made was the right one for all concerned. I have been a single mother, but at a much older age...it was very difficult though my life was settled at the time.

You were aware that bringing the pregnancy to term and giving up your baby was beyond what you could bear. It shows that even at a young age, you had good insight into your inner resources. The difficult choice was made after careful consideration and soul searching.

You also knew that your circumstances were not favorable to bringing up a child. It is indeed a huge responsibility that cannot be taken lightly. One must be 100% ready to assume it and our life situation must be right.

Your state of mind is proof that it was definitely NOT the easy way out. There was never much of a choice...only a responsible decision. Those around you at the time saw it for what it was. Going the other way could have seen you sink in the depths of despair or condemn a child to a less than adequate upbringing.

As for allowing pregnancy to happen in the first place, we all make mistakes. It is unfortunately the way we clever humans learn. Youth is no favorable head space for wisdom...Not repeating mistakes is the best we can do. Learning from them turns negativity into its opposite.

Please Girl_Interrupted, give yourself the break you so much deserve...You've been confronted with a tough lot at a very young age. You have done the very best you could and it took a lot of courage. I respect and admire you for it.

[dottie]

Hi girl_interrupted

I too had a child at a young age and she was also adopted - not my choice but one that had to be made for her wellbeing and future. Its like a weight lifted off your shoulders once it has been verbalized. Dont feel guilty. I felt guilty well into my 60's and I now realise that my family are the ones with the issues not me. I know I made the right decision, no matter how painful it was. It isnt easy to move on but with one step at a time it can be done. It is time now to REALLY forgive yourself and move on. Be gentle with your self, hold your head high and remember that there isnt one person in this world who hasnt made a mistake of some sort. You dont have to tell anyone if you dont want to but dont let yourself think that anyone else is better than you, because you dont know what secrets they are holding back. Go forward, be brave, and I wish you all the best for your future. You are a wonderful person.

[girl_interrupted]

Thank you so much for your post. Your kind words and support mean a lot. You're right, I didn't really have much of a choice and I suppose I did have some small insight, despite being so young, that it was the right thing to do. I so desperately wanted to have a child but I wasn't ready or capable, being a child myself. Then I never really found the opportunity or met the right person to consider raising a family of my own. I need to be kinder to myself. I think it's been a while now that I am coming to terms with the fact that I will never have my own children. Not that I am or ever will be ready to raise a child, but when that choice is taken away from you, it feels like such a huge loss. Thanks again for your reply x

[girl_interrupted]

Hi dottie. Thank you so much for your post. It must have been so hard for you to give up your child, but as you say, you know you made the right choice for the child at the time. I can't imagine what that must have been like for you, to carry all that for so long. Have you ever tried to find your child or has that been something that's too painful or difficult to face? Families can be so difficult. I hope you find some peace and can be with people who love and care for you this Christmas x

[nowhereman]

Hi. First of all.no one ever has the right to judge you. You have suffered enough. You sound like a caring person. You would have heaps of good qualities. I always walked the ocean shores when i felt bad or confused.often wild dolfins would swim in and greet me. some animals are good at picking up things in us.and comforting us. Do you have a pet dog?? Max

[girl_interrupted]

Thanks NWman, I do like the beach and being close to water. It's very calming. Yeah I do have a dog but we don't venture out much, coz of my anxiety and his social discard lol he probably gets it from me. I should make more effort to get there but it's a long drive from where I live and doing shift work just makes it harder. Thanks for your kind words. Do you have any pets?