Lashing out

[Patsy8]

Hi, I'm new to this forum but need some help as I think I am losing the plot.

I have suffered from anxiety and depression for most of my life, but thankfully can usually manage it quite well.  Most days are a struggle in one way or another but I get through them and on the whole have a lot of happiness in my life now.

So why do I lose it sometimes and for no apparent reason lash out verbally at the people I love and care about most?  Does anyone else do this?  It leaves me feeling so unhappy and feeling sick to the bottom of my stomach.

Any comments to help me understand this a bit better would be most welcome, as at the moment I feel like a totally horrible person and hate myself.

Thank you in advance.

[White_Rose]

Dear Patsy

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. This is a great place to talk about your feelings and read about the experiences of others. It's also great that your depression and anxiety do not cloud your life and you are able to enjoy much happiness.

Why do you lose the plot sometimes? The smarty pants answer is, you tell me and we'll both know. I am amazed how I can snarl at people at times and for apparently little or no reason. It's more than being tired or cranky etc which we do understand. It is part of depression unfortunately.

If we were women of a certain age then folk would nod knowingly and mutter about women's things. And maybe our hormones do play a part in this at times. But it's more than that when we are depressed. I think we lash out at our friends and family because they put up with it, whereas people who do not know us well would walk away. It's as though we need to vent/scream/express frustration and we can only do it in a safe environment. i.e. with those who know us. Not a nice thought I agree.

I find myself expressing my anger and frustration to or at my psych because I know he will not take it personally. It's a safe place and he will not disown me. Well at least not yet. That does not make it acceptable I know and even more so when it is someone we care about. Hmm, I need to rethink that aspect.

I think the question is more about why we get so angry that we need to spit it out. Something has pushed the wrong button and we are off and running with it. A sort of fight or flight reflex for anger. And yes the remorse is horrible. I seem to spend much of my life apologizing. Not sure where this leaves us.

Ideally of course we would be aware of our emotions and take steps to diffuse this anger. But then we are not ideal. Oh how I wish. Please try not to beat yourself up about it. It is part of being depressed. It's hard to stop yourself exploding at the time, but afterwards can you remember how you felt before the words were out of your mouth? I find that spending a little time looking at this can help me understand what happened. I know the deed has been done but if you can pinpoint triggers, after a while you will learn to recognise them when they come up and have a better chance of managing your response.

It's not easy I know. Do you talk with a counsellor at all? If so it should be helpful to discuss this with him/her.

Please write in as often as you feel comfortable.

Mary

[Patsy8]

Thank you so much for your reply Mary.  Your words make a lot of sense.

I feel so empty and worthless at the moment.  My mum died when I was 9 and my dad died when I was 11.  That was such a long time ago, but I feel that I am never going to be 'normal'.  I spend my days worrying about everything, especially losing loved ones, and every day is a struggle in one way or another.  I am on medication to keep my anxiety under control but I know it is there all the time, lurking in the background.

Have a lovely weekend Mary.

Patsy 

[Patsy8]

I hate myself so much right now.  I am sick of feeling the way I do and struggling every day but trying to put on a brave face.

I care about my loved ones so much and worry about them all the time so why do I shout and rant at them sometimes.  My sister has a special birthday coming up which I have been busily and excitedly preparing for.  I told her I had ordered another one of her special presents and she just gives me a not very nice look and says something like 'great I'm going to have to do all this for you when it's your special birthday' - that just made me feel so low - I don't give to receive...anyway as usual I dwell on this and other things like telling me it's not about me when I have a cry about her partner being ill.  Then another look from her and I go off on one telling her not to treat me like she does etc etc...completely over the top but feeling so rubbish.

[White_Rose]

Dear Patsy

Sorry I have not replied earlier. Life has a habit of getting in the way of good intentions.

Do you have any help to manage your anxiety and anger? You said you take meds for anxiety but do you have any counselling? Do you talk to your doctor about these feelings? Medication does not 'cure' you. It only makes makes you a little less anxious. The reasons for your anxiety are still there. Are you the youngest in the family? I wonder how the death of your parents affected your siblings.

Not being parented well, and this includes losing parents at a young age, can set up all sorts of anxieties. Did you have a role model for raising children? Certainly not your mom. What happened to you after both parents died? These are important things in a child's life and I wonder if part of the reason for your actions is because you wanted someone to care for you and make you feel special. Then, when you try to be a caring mom yourself you become angry because you did not receive this care.

I'm begining to sound like a counsellor and I assure you I am not. But I believe it would help you a great deal to talk to a psychologist about these things. Your GP can arrange for you to have a mental health plan which includes ten free visits to a psychologist. Alternatively you can make an appointment with an agency such as Relationships Australia, Anglicare, Salvation Army or Lifeline. All of these organisations offer free or low cost counselling. If you do use one of these agencies I suggest you keep your GP informed.

Talking to someone who has no connection with you can be immensely helpful. You don't need to worry about upsetting them and they will not bite.

I get the impression your sister is older than you and does not fully understand how much the loss of your parents meant to you. Hence her impatience with you. You probably appear needy, wanting reassurance and acceptance, and this is something others cannot cope with very successfully. There is nothing wrong with being in need. The problem arises when you do not receive this care. But because we are human we feel we should be perfect all the time, put on a brave face, or a mask as it is usually described. And we try hard to give ourselves comfort by helping others.

That's OK but sometimes we go a bit overboard and get upset when our love and care seems to be rejected. And it doesn't heal the ache in our hearts. You need to learn how to heal. It's a difficult thing to do which is why it's good to have some help.

Mary

[Stormi71]

Hi Patsy,

I think when we are depressed, we tend to take innocent remarks the wrong way sometimes. Sometimes an attempt at humorous sarcasm can be misconstrued as a personal attack, and in return we lash out. I do it a lot, and I also get really snappy at my children over little things, as all the little things seem to add up and become a big thing, so then we react to the next little thing, when we are in fact lashing out about all of it. I understand how you feel, because it's like the words just spill out of our mouths, then we feel remorse for behaving like that. 

Like the others said, we tend to lash out at the ones we love, as they are the ones we spend most of our time with, and I guess our subconscious mind tells us that that is okay, because they love us too and will forgive us. 

[Patsy8]

Hi Mary

Thanks for your reply.  I only have one sister who is a year older than me.  After our mum died we went to live with one of my dad's sisters, but after a year my dad moved us because he didn't like living there.  So we then lived with his other sister and her husband who we didn't know very well.  The three of us lived there for a year together and then dad died the day before I started secondary school.  My aunt thought it was best to get on with life as normal and we had to go to school the next day.  She wasn't one to grieve openly and we weren't allowed to go to his funeral, nor did we go to mums.  In fact we only found out where mum was buried when I was 18.

At a young age I developed many strange rituals (ocds) and if I didn't do them I thought something bad would happen to my sister.  I think she got really annoyed with me sometimes, because one of the things I always did was ask her if she was ok a million times a day and when we were eating a meal I had to mirror her actions.  Weirdo hey 🙂

I wonder why I was ever born really...surely it wasn't to spend my life being scared and unhappy and making others unhappy.  What's my purpose? 

[White_Rose]

Dear Patsy

You were born to be a wonderful and fulfilled person, just like the rest of us. Unfortunately, many things get in the way of this and we have battle through the hard times and rejoice in the good times.

You had a difficult life as a child and the effect of this is still controlling your life. It was thought to be bad for a child to go to a funeral. My grandparents died when I was 12 but I was not allowed to go to their funerals. This is even harder when it is the funeral of your parents as you cannot say goodbye. My mom died 15 years ago and I still miss her very much. There are times when I want to be held and comforted like a child but there is no one to do this and I get both sad and angry.

One thing that children often do is blame themselves for something that has gone wrong. In this instance the death of your parents. I wonder if this is what happened with you. You were so young (even though you no doubt thought you were quite grown up) and the people who were supposed to guide you through these years left you. So maybe this is why you developed your rituals and fear about your sister. To lose your remaining family member would have been horrendous.

I can imagine your sister getting annoyed with her younger sister constantly asking if she was OK. No matter what you had asked her, if was a million times a day siblings are the most likely people to tell you to stop it. Brothers and sisters never believe they should be polite to to each other, at least until they grow up, and not even then sometimes.

I am guessing that you have so many issues relating to the deaths of your parents which have been resolved. The pain of this has followed you through life and caused the fear you feel about the potential loss of your sister, partner and children. The "what ifs" are a huge problem in your life.

You have not said if you receive any counselling. If this is not happening I really urge you to talk to your GP about this. As I said above somewhere, medication does not take away the pain. It only relieves it a little so that you can function better and engage in other ways of recovery. Find the best psychologist you can, meet with him/her regularly and talk about your life. Cry, laugh, be angry or any other emotion you feel and talk until you can manage alone. Keep in touch.

Mary