One man's struggle

[Stormy]

I sit here typing this, the quietness of the house is causing ringing in my ears so I had to put the television on to break the silence, the feeling of being alone is all too real. The false side of me today has past. I am exhausted playing a charade. The positive side that I project to others, the motivating me,the up beat me, the confident me, is now asleep. I am alone with my thoughts, and the internal struggles that lay within. I need sleep, yet too scared to go to sleep, and too scared to stay awake. 

Tomorrow is another day, another sunrise, another charade to present to those around me. If only they knew what was going on inside, then again, I wonder if they would even care. It's been years since I have felt any real value. I always try and find something positive in each and every day. The sunshine of my little boys smile, his laughter still bouncing around in my mind's picture. If only I could see him, but alas I have to wait another week for my one day of togetherness, only to have my heart ripped out when I take him back. What a roller coaster my life is. 

My own childhood memories always come flooding back in these quiet times and I often dread the coming of the night. The thoughts of when I was homeless at 14 years old, being assaulted by those you have trusted, living in a park and in the back of a station wagon in a friends back yard, and still finding something, a little anything to keep going. I have always been so good at portraying that positive happy person, even in my darkest hour, hoping that one day I may even convince myself. 

I have sought professional help, even undertaking clinical hypnotherapy over a 12 month period and that seemed to only bring the memories forward and yet provide no real answers. I only seem to get solace when I write poetry and work on my autobiography. I find writing is very therapeutic for me but I have to focus to do it. I can't always focus and that frustrates me. I am hoping by writing on this forum it will allow me refocus and find the will to keep writing.  

I have recently retired from work due to illness, a brand new set of struggles, struggles that I determined to overcome or at least give it my best shot. We get into dark places at times but with each sunrise there is a brand new beginning, and what we chose to do with that beginning is entirely up to us. It is by no means an easy task when depression sets in but we still need to find a way to keep pushing on.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Stormy

I took a lot of good things out of your post – I think you express yourself very well and your writing it to be commended.  I can see good things ahead with you for your poetry and your writing of your autobiography.  I too, have typed up my own autobiography – and it’s a hell of a read and a journey.  Even if it goes no where in the general population, I know I’ve done it and I have that as something to pass on to my children way ahead in their future lives.

It must be very difficult to only see your son for shortened timings – I wonder if there’s any chance in the future of that being perhaps, extended in some way?

I too find writing therapeutic;  and I’m just wondering whether if you might consider spending even a bit more time on this site;  to possibly throw out your support to others who may be in need?  To give your thoughts and experience to different folk in need – I know this helps me on a personal level in being able to do this.

Having our depression deep ingrained in us is the most difficult of things – and that’s where we can send ourselves ‘spare’ when trying to find different avenues in order to help ourselves.  It’s a constant vicious cycle.

Neil

[Stormi71]

Hi Stormy, nice user name!

Please keep writing, you have a gift. I know it's hard to focus and keep motivated, but the rewards will be great. I'm actually very moved by what you wrote. I think the key to staying motivated is to think about the end product, and how satisfied and happy you'll feel when you reach that goal, whether it's writing your autobiography or something else. I am about to start a Diploma of Mental Health and I am focusing on the end result - helping others with mental health issues. Otherwise I will panic if I think too much about how hard it will be for me to achieve this goal. People say take things a day at a time, but sometimes you need to think about the future to get through the days.

I understand about the self you project to others, too. I recently "came out" on Facebook about my depression, because I was in a bad place for a few days. I then had so many people say "I had no idea you suffered with depression". I said I have learnt to hide it well in public. A lot of us do that, have the fake persona where we laugh and smile and pretend to be happy doing whatever we are doing, yet inside you just want to go home and hide from the world. 

I'd love to read some if your poetry. I think there is a thread on here somewhere for poetry? Maybe in the Other/Off Topic forum. 

[Stormy]

Hello Neil and Stormi,

Thank you both so much for your kind words. The sun is shining today and I have forced myself to get out into the yard to get the mowing done. I now find myself watching the clock, the dark veil of the night will soon be here. What will happen ? Where will my mind take me tonight ?  

I will try and call on memories a little later on to put into my autobiography. My autobiography is destined to be read by my son and all being well I will present it to him on his 21st birthday, bound, and with love. It is a warts and all look at my life, violent stepfather,my natural father unknown, I am not going to hold back, my son will know the good and the bad of my life. I will finish each chapter with an original poem about that chapter.

I will take your advice on board Neil and see if I have something to contribute to other people. I have never really thought that I had anything of value to add. I have always thought my words were just the ramblings of an enigma.As for my little man, my ex does everything she can to push him away from me, I am not strong enough to battle for time through the legal system. I can't afford it emotionally,financially and I will not subject my son to the point he begins to feel like a piece of baggage being tossed to and fro. I would rather take the pain,I am use to it, and pray that in years to come he will speak with his own voice.

Stormi, I wish you all the very best with your Diploma. What an amazing and well earned achievement when its completed. It would be extremely satisfying knowing that you are able to help people at that level. I have been writing poetry off and on since I was 6 years old and have rarely shown anyone. I made an attempt to show an ex girlfriend many years ago and she laughed and ridiculed me, from then on she called me a failed Shakespeare. It hurt a lot to expose my heart like that only to have it trampled into the ground. I still write but rarely do I show my words. That may change when I get confidence. Poetry is always open to interpretation, it's a view of life from one person's perspective. 

Stormy

[Neil_1]

Hi there stormy

Interesting that in this short little thread, we’ve had two Storm cells power into it.  If I was a different person I could feel somewhat intimidated – or at least be reaching for a raincoat.  Oh boy, raincoats – those are olden time items – showing my age now.  Raincoats and gumboots out on the farm;  a staple clothing item for wintry wet days.

And look at me digressing.

What a terrific idea that is for your son – just out of interest, I don’t know if you’ve heard of a book package called blurb, but if you google that, it’s a company, I believe in the USA, where you can do up a book ‘on-line’ via their application/package.  You then submit it to them and about 5-6 weeks later, hey presto, the book arrives in “book format”.  Or the format that you wanted.  We do it with our holiday photos and you then choose what size, how many photos per page etc.

I did one for my Mum, back a while ago now.  I was typing up my Dad’s life-story, unfortunately he only got to the part where he’d met Mum, when he became too ill to write anymore.  So I got onto the Blurb application and from there, you can choose pages with predominately text (or only text, in perhaps what you might be thinking of);  I also added a few pictures along the way.

I then presented it to Mum for Christmas a few years ago, in hard cover format and yes, like your son will find, it will be something to cherish.

I believe that pretty much all of us would have value to add on this site and to others – because of the plain fact that we are living with these same conditions that are affecting us all – and so who better to comment to another, but someone who is living with it.  Someone who’s got experience with their own battles and how they are doing their best to manage – suggestions like this can be of benefit to so many;  not just to the original poster, but to the many others who come to this site, perhaps just to read.

I’m also very glad to hear that girlfriend has that word EX in front of her title – what a horrible thing to do.

I look forward to hearing from you again – either on this thread or to see your name around the traps in other parts of this site.

Kind regards

Neil

[Stormy]

Hi Neil,

Thank you for the reply and the information about "Blurb", I will look a little deeper into it, it sounds like it may be quite useful to me.

I am slowly working my way through postings on the various threads and hoping that I may have something to contribute.

I am off to the doctor's tomorrow for tests so that is taking a few of my thoughts today. 

Stormy