Keeping up spirits?

[Eagle Ray]

The past decade has been extremely stressful and I’ve had new lows in my mental and physical health I never imagined would happen. I’ve really had to struggle to survive. And then today I had news which may not necessarily be that serious, but I just felt so alone with it. Following scans I have to have a biopsy for possible breast cancer. I know it is common. I think it’s one in seven women get it now. With me I highly suspect severe stress, especially being a carer over the past decade, has really taken its toll on me. I was diagnosed with a progressive liver disease in 2020 and have had so many other debilitating health conditions over decades now, many since a child. I have Complex PTSD as well. I have no doubt my health conditions are all tied in with that which really has been with me from birth.

Today I just felt so alone. I have no family as such now. My brother does care about me to an extent but cannot express emotions or provide emotional support, even though I have cared for him when he’s been in crisis. Trying to connect with him emotionally often leads to him becoming distant or hostile. My kindest friend is a busy mother of a very young daughter and has just returned to work. The couple of extended family members I have some contact with have major care commitments of their own. I don’t tend to ask for help anyway, but even if I did I don’t feel anyone has the capacity to help much and I don’t want to burden them.

I have gone through all my health challenges alone, including investigative operations and difficult diagnoses. I’ve never had anyone there for me. I’m used to surviving everything in isolation, but it’s like I’ve hit a new wall of exhaustion. I’m on hormone medication for perimenopausal depression and anxiety and it’s been very helpful, but it’s causing severe histamine intolerance where it’s extremely hard to keep food down. I’ve had this for 7 months now and it makes eating so stressful and it’s exhausting on a daily basis. I have reduced the meds leading to breakthrough depression. But I may have to stop them all together if it turns out I have breast cancer. Prior to starting the hormone meds I was in a state of extreme suicidality relentlessly over a long period of time and I had to fight just to keep myself alive. I’m just overwhelmed, exhausted and don’t know how much more I can keep going. Sorry for long post. How do others keep up their spirits when it’s overwhelming?

[Croix]

Does a carpet of fur have a nap?

-C

[Eagle Ray]

Yes, she does look like a piece of carpet while sleeping 😂 It is very easy to not see her there as her face is often kind of buried in the fur. She can look like a fluffy cushion.

Thanks for trying to cheer me up 🙏 I'm finding it so hard as my body wretches and coughs from when I wake up in the morning and after each meal. I am so weak but trying to stay strong and positive through it all. I'm only keeping a small portion of food down and there are very few foods and drinks that don't cause a volatile reaction. I have a relentless post nasal drip for most of the day with an anaphylactic-like effect where my throat is closing and I have to clear my throat about every two seconds, often for the entire day. It was so hard both driving to the city and returning yesterday. The hormone specialist is the only one who understands this reaction to the medication, but so far she has no more ideas beyond what I've already researched and am currently doing myself. But she may have some more thoughts when I see her next week. It is a feeling of constantly choking that never stops. But reducing the med leads to really awful breakthrough depression. I am in so much constant discomfort.

Sorry to write this out. I've got no one to talk to. I'm just utterly exhausted and break down at times because I have so had enough. I just have to persevere through. I don't like having to have the biopsy either in the middle of these others symptoms. I think it's basically a local anaesthetic followed by a fine needle biopsy which is a fairly minor procedure, but everything is utterly exhausting right now, including having to get myself back to the city. I almost feel like I'm better off just staying curled up in a ball and not moving. Fluffy cat does this for long periods with her epic day sleeping. I think she is onto something.

Feeling miserable but trying not to,

ER

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Croix and anyone reading,

After a call from the doctor who ordered the biopsy this morning I felt significantly worse. I realised it was her cold, clinical manner and her complete inability to hear what I try to communicate. I've realised that I don't feel comfortable with this doctor. I felt so distressed after the phone call I just cried and felt desperate. I called The Blue Knot Foundation as I realised it is my complex trauma issues that affect so much how I feel. I've had so many experiences of having no control over what is done to my body and no say in what happens to me. I feel like I have always been invaded by others in multiple ways, and this doctor and her approach really triggers that. Putting this into words with the Blue Knot counsellor helped clarify what is happening for me.

So I realise I really need to take control and recognise I can make decisions in my own best interests. After managing to extract some information from the doctor I get the sense the biopsy is not absolutely necessary. The good news from that is it is likely benign. Given I am struggling to keep food down and increasingly weak and malnourished, I'm not sure I'll go ahead with it on the planned date. The doctor has no interest in the debilitating symptoms I have right now and only those that she has a clinical protocol for. I sometimes find more medical intervention makes things worse. I can feel that all my issues stem from complex trauma. It is the reason for all the autoimmune and other issues in my body. My experience is the medical profession can do little to help you with this side of things, and I can tell the GP I spoke to this morning is not interpersonally present let alone trauma-informed. The hormone specialist GP is far more aware of the impacts of trauma on the body and also my vulnerability in relation to medical procedures. She will be a far better person to consult and engage with.

So I feel like I have regained some control and I'm not just at the mercy of what other people dictate. My whole life has felt like out-of-control things happening to me, but also to family members who went through horrendous medical negligence. The medical world to me = trauma. I have had more than enough and I will keep working on finding my own answers and only consulting with people with insight and empathy. I am in pain and exhausted but actually feel better. At the end of the day, I am the only one who can heal myself and that includes being in environments and contexts that actually support that. I wanted to write a positive post after the miserable one above.

Hugs,

ER

[Croix]

Dear ER (with a wave to Paws)~

Yes you have succeeded and written a more positive post. You can now lean back with  the  satisfaction of knowing a job well done:)

I can see what you say about cities, anonymity and no expectations does seem appealing however you still do need the country too, a difficult thing to reconcile. From what you have said in the past  I suspect times alone in the country letting it creep into you are more significant in your life.

I hope you do not end up too far away from your hormone specialist, as understanding competent clinicians are not too thick on the ground. Like Blue Knot she is an asset.

You certainly have it within you to take charge of your medical procedures. You already take charge of your feelings and give yourself the remedies you need. It is not much of a stretch to pick and choose doctors and the offerings they recommend. I abandoned two psychologists for making me worse, similar with a physiotherapist (I seriously thought of  calling an ambulance after that one had 'practiced' on me. When asked by the receptionist for payment I simply gave here one of Sumo Cats 'displeased' looks full strength and no more was said). They had their own routines, and regarded patients as interchangeable and if they don't improve it is their fault, not the procedures.

Having said that I've landed on good ones.

You realise I (unintentionally) made a pun before, not only does fabric (fur or otherwise) have a 'nap' but so do certain fluffy cats.

you might find other YouTube Kenny Everett clips to your taste, in fact his book is called "In the best possible taste".

Croix

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you Croix for your kind response,

I always wanted to live in the country from when I was a child and now I am there and experiencing a feeling of dislocation in the town I'm in. There was another town I considered that I liked after a short time visiting (which is not really long enough to actually tell). But not long after that I read an article about a young woman who went to live there after a series of traumas in her life, and she said it was the most supportive place and has become family for her. So sometimes it is a matter of finding the right place. What the city has is many more opportunities for meeting people and doing social activities in areas of interest. It is a positive sign I actually want to do more activities and be among more people again. I'm just still in search of where that might be and how I would achieve it.

I agree that good health practitioners are invaluable. I'm so sorry you had those awful experiences with the two psychologists and physiotherapist. I'm really glad you've found good practitioners now. The first counsellor I saw was a psychotherapist, not a psychologist. It ended up ultimately doing be enormous harm. It involved inappropriate boundary transgressions and bullying and literally replicated patterns of childhood trauma I'd been through. It absolutely messed with my capacity for trust. After trying a few other people I eventually found the psychologist I have now who is on the same page and I'm now able to do the therapy work I want to do and that is actually helping me.

I will go and look at some YouTube Kenny Everett clips. I have this vague memory of his show being on the tv when we were visiting relatives in Adelaide when I was only 6 years old. I was a bit too young to take it in then, but I would be more able to now. A positive thing I've looked at recently is the Reasons to be Cheerful website. This was a project started by David Byrne (formerly of Talking Heads) to run new stories that are positive about constructive solutions and initiatives. It is meant to be an antidote to the often depressing main news we see. David Byrne is one of my favourite people in the world in terms of his creativity and the positive way he orients to the many different things he is interested in. I enjoyed reading his book The Bicycle Diaries a few years ago about his travels around the world on his fold-up bicycle.

Thanks again for your support Croix. I am feeling more positive and like I have some control back over my situation, that I am not totally at the mercy of chaotic forces.

May you sleep well and also find many more humorous videos to watch!

Hugs,

ER