Just signed up, new to this, could use some help and support

[GuyIncognito]

Hi all,

I've had depression and panic/anxiety for 25 years. It comes and goes in intensity but at the moment it has returned with a vengeance. I feel down, detached from reality and times, finding myself just zoning out. My old friends, palpitations and "missed" heart beats are also back. I take an antidepressant and have just started taking a small amount of a benzodiazepene each day. This episode seems worse than most, I can't see a recovery any time soon. I thought I'd turn to the Beyond Blue community for advice, to know that I'm not alone in this, that others feel this way. I don't really talk about it, even with my wife and friends and perhaps that's where the problem lies. I am seeing a very good therapist so I am seeking professional help. Thanks for listening.

[Neil_1]

Hi there guyIncognito,

Firstly welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and providing your post.

Secondly, I’ve gotta say that I love the name you’ve provided – clever stuff. :)

Oh boy, that IS a long time to be suffering; and that is fortunate that it comes and goes in intensity – so many of us know about that; it’s the daily grind of how and having to manage it, that does become a grind.

Ok, so you’ve had it for a long long time and have mentioned that you’re on an anti-depressant, only this time your symptoms seem worse – may I ask how long you’ve been on your medication for? And if for a long time, perhaps it might be time for a review of them by your treating professional – be that your GP or your psychiatrist?

You are certainly not alone with this – please be assured of that, and coming here, there are 100’s and 100’s of fellow strugglers and fighters who are all dealing with their own demons on a daily basis. So you’re amongst good company here – people who know, people who understand (I think this is one of the most important, whereas the general population just doesn’t “get” depression and related illnesses).

Your wife obviously knows about things with you, as you say you see a therapist, so I’m guessing she knows about this, yes?

Perhaps it might be time to open up a little more with your wife, if you feel she’d be a good recipient and be able to provide support for you.

Would love to hear back from you.

Neil

[GuyIncognito]

Hi Neil,

Thanks for the reply and supportive words. I stole the name from a friend who used it in amateur drama playing a French spy! I'll have to find an appropriate picture. I have been on the antidepressant for many years so it may well be at the end of its usefulness. I might need to review with my GP when I next see her. I talk to my wife about it and she is a rock and of great support but something holds me back from opening up fully. My other issue is that don't seem to have a release valve. I seem to be physically incapable of crying. The last time it happened was nine years ago when my daughter was born. I want to be the best Dad and husband I can and this is holding me back. My therapist visit is long overdue so I suspect that a lot will come out then. In the meantime, I will be using the support of the Beyond Blue network to help me through.

Kindest regards and thanks.

GI

[White_Rose]

Dear Guy Incognito

Hello, welcome to Beyond Blue. I suppose if other illnesses, such as diabetes, are with us for life, why not depression. The difference is, of course, once diabetes is under control it stays there while depression goes up and down. Seems a bit unfair but then who said life was fair? Now I have exhausted my philosophy I can put on the practical hat.

Neil, as usual, has made great suggestions. Many people have commented that their antidepressant seems to lose its oomph after a while. So getting a review could be the answer. I have to say I tried many ADs, (usually SSRI but a couple of SNRI) over time and invariably they had horrid side effects. So my GP tried me on Tricyclic meds which are far better for me. Just one side effect and I can live with that. And the drug itself seems to work better. Never felt so well on any of the others.

As I understand it, therapy is great for a while and then it tapers off. When we have a bad period it's useful to go back for a few more visits. It's hard work managing all the coping techniques, and even when they are fairly automatic I find they sometimes slip. It's useful to touch base with someone like a therapist now and then.

Have you discussed with your therapist the reasons you cannot fully be open with your wife. No need to tell us. I thought your therapist may be able to help you shed light on this and possibly the tears. Having added the tears I have to say I no longer cry as much as I used to. I put this down to being so much better, but maybe the mechanism turns off after a while.

I find it helpful to talk to others as you have commented above. How do you feel about talking to some of the people who post here? There are a number of forums so you can avoid any topic that pushes your buttons. If you look at the last forum Community Board you will find a number of threads you may like to join. There is the BB cafe where you can eat and drink whatever you fancy, join in some of the word games, talk about your hobbies, post your poetry, and many more. It's a section where you can relax with friends who understand where you come from.

Mary

[Neil_1]

Hi there GI

Yes, perhaps a review of medication could be a useful thing.

That is so awesome to hear of the support that you receive from your wife; that is brilliant. As you say, you do talk to her about it – maybe just on occasions, perhaps just open up a little more and discuss something a bit further that you may not have done before – especially if she is as supportive as you say.

Oh boy, the old pressure valve of being able to cry. I’ve had that in the past as well. It’s like you have a bucket load of tears inside, but they just won’t come. I did try different movies that in the past I’ve found to be emotional and really, they did have a bit of an effect for me. Don’t peel onions though, those are the kind of tears you want.

Back to serious though, and I’ve not long ago lost both of my parents and now, having teary times do come way more often. Though the reason this happens is due to something that I never wanted to happen.

But you mention about being the best possible Dad you can be – and that this is holding you back? Are you meaning the emotional side of you and being able to cry? Your daughter is 9yo and I would think that you’ve been an awesome Dad for the whole time – just picking up on this through how you write and express things; so am just wanting to say that having the crying ability, isn’t necessarily needed to be a good Dad. I hope I read your thread correct in what I’ve just posed to you.

Kind regards

Neil