Seeking guidance..

[rg725]

Hi there,

Im posting mainly to free how I feel (hopefully). And seek some advice on what I can do to help myself before it's too late.
I have been suffering mental breakdowns especially over the last two months. I wake up and cry and dread going to work or doing anything really. I dont sleep well. I have nightmares like there is no tomorrow. I cant get my happiness and mojo back. I know there is something wrong with me, especially cause i know what it feels like to be happy and right now im completly the opposite.
I currently work as a cop, and the job is demanding. The things I have experienced keep replaying on me and have changed me as a person. I feel like I cant help anyone, and when I do it gets thrown back in my face. i've tried to help and i get death threats towards me and my family. I hate it when people automatically assume im mean, just because im a cop. I am the most kind hearted lady anyone will meet, and always try to have a smile on my face and i believe communication is key when dealign with people not violence. people treat me differntly, im not even sure if they mean to but they do. people just assume thats what ive turned into, which i havent. I am still myself, and i do the job because its a job. and i genuenly wanted to help people. i just need a break. But if you seek help in my job, you get classified as "unfit for duty" so you literally have to bottle everything up. they dont care about you at all.

Im stressing cause of money. I have to support my parents because they have no money and I dont want them to lose their home. they live 5 hours from me, and i stress each day that they will be ok. i need the job so i can give them money and pay my bills too. Ive applied for so many jobs, and i honestly think its because of my profession now no one will hire me. havent even had an interview. previous i did marketing and sales for radio, which was the best thing ever. I feel like ive made the biggest mistake joining law enforcement and its so hard to get out. I cant just quit cause i need an income, and they make it so hard to leave. I just hate the fact that everything i used to love to do, i now dont enjoy. and i am miserable all the time, and it effects my partner and i's relationship. I know it sounds trivial and i should be more grateful to even have a job but really cant keep living on like this. I just need some help i think, but i am not sure where to start. anything would be helpful... please and thankyou.

[HA1]

Hi rg,

So sad to hear that you are feeling so stressed out. It sounds like there is a combination of professional and personal issues involved here. Have you sought out any professional support to tease out what the underlying issues are? I personally know that any combination of work related stress and stress over your family responsibilities can become overbearing. Please continue talking!

K

[Ooverit]

Hi rg. New here, about to sleep after setting up account but just read your post..

That's really terrible that u get labelled 'unfit for duty' gosh sounds like maybe they need some education on mental illness in the dept and that it can happen to anyone.

Wondering if you have any time up so you could have a bit of a 'holiday' and see your gp and go from there. Sounds like you may have post traumatic stress disorder.

So sorry to hear that you get treated differently away from the force, i.m sure u ARE a lovely lady. I hope you are able to have a break sweetheart and/or get some help xo

[Ooverit]

It certainly isn't trivial either rg. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate and big responsibilities.. x

[rg725]

Hi hideaway, thanks for replying.. no i havent sought it, i have that underlying feeling they may find out and then i will lose my job. it surely can be overwhelming. i appreciate you replying, sometimes its just nice to hear people care x

[rg725]

Hi ooverit, thanks so much for replying. sometimes all you need is someone to reach and care. i appreciate it. thank you.

[rg725]

also i am seeking to take time off.. just easier said than done sometimes.

[HA1]

Hi rg - thanks for getting back!

Yes it is often a catch 22 situation - and that is why it is difficult to deal with. I too have been in a profession where any sign of weakness (read: mental health issues) would isolate and alienate you like a leper. So who do you share your feelings with and can you trust them! So more often than not the default position is that you don't share and end up bottling it up. Seeking help is the most difficult decision that you will make. When I finally sought help, I ended up crying for a long time - me, a person who would never allow anyone to see my emotions. But it was a reflection of the relief that I felt that I had finally let it out.

Apologies if that sounded a bit like a ramble - but hoping that you will keep talking - it helps.

Ken