Just need to get this off my chest
This is my first time ever opening up so this post probably isn't going to make much sense.
Ive been struggling with depression and anxiety for a couple years now. Im sick of thinking, its all i do. All i think about is how other perceive me and if they're talking about me behind my back. I cant let anyone in close because i just feel so vulnerable. I honestly have no clue who i am and this just makes my anxiety even worse. Everywhere i go i feel like a complete weirdo. Since my anxietys so bad i avoid engaging in conversation and when i do try im normally at a lost for words and there is just an awkward silence. I swear sometimes im not even apart of my own life im just sitting back and watching life happen around me. I barely feel any emotions anymore. I feel im just a character in a computer program just there to make up numbers. I honestly dont know what to do anymore i started following a spiritual path based on budhism but im starting to think im not going down any path ive just lost myself. I feel like im going crazy and losing touch with reality. I think my biggest issue is that i have no self confidence and always look to others for approval even though i know i shouldnt. I think if i had some self confidence i could more confident when talking to people and id stop caring what people think. But its so hard to find any sort of confidence when i dont even know who i am. I miss social contact i want to have best friends and go out with them and have a good time instead of being that boring guy my "friends" let me hang around coz they feel sorry for me.
I dont know where this post is going and i dont even know how to explain half the stuff in my head so i guess ill leave it here.
Firstly, welcome to the forums. I think your post made a lot of sense. Well done for reaching out for support, it is one of the hardest things to do when dealing with depression and anxiety. This is a safe non judgemental environment full of people who are suffering or have suffered from mental health issues.
I understand everything you are saying and sorry to read what you are going through. You said you have dealt with anxiety and depression the last couple of years, has this coincided with all the other feelings about going out and holding conversations and what not or has this been happening for quite some time? It isn't uncommon what you are going through and know you are not alone in this battle.
Have you ever spoken to your GP about how you are feeling or even a psychologist? If not, I highly recommend that as one of your next steps so you can try and get a grasp on it all. The other is maybe speaking to a friend or family member about how you are feeling because having a good support network is also key to feeling better.
Please, post back as much as you like, we are always happy to talk.
My best for you,
You post has done everything you could want. It has introduced you and given a pretty clear picture of what is happening to you. It may well have taken courage to set it all out before strangers, but you have done a pretty good job.
Straight way I can see familiar things, keeping others at arm's length, difficulty relaxing and engaging in social situations, a spectator outside your own life, Being divorced from your own emotions. All that plus feeling hopeless and a spare wheel.
I have anxiety and bouts of depression, and recognize all the above. I also had other problems that don't matter here. I kept getting worse, there was no way I could understand or bring myself out of this miserable type of life on my own. Once I started to receive the right sort of treatment - and had family support - I started to improve.
I would think you stand a very good chance of improving too. Can I suggest you go to a GP (or Headspace or Kids Help Line if under 25) and in a long consultation say all that has been happening to you - include anything in your life you think might be making things worse in the last couple of years.
If you think the words might not come then print out your post, it would do nicely. Hopefully this will lead to a much better life with identity, self-worth, confidence.
I did say family support helped too. Do you have anyone you can talk to, who cares and wants to help you?
I's also suggest reading the Anxiety and Depression sections of The Facts above as well as having a browse in this Forum to see how others in your situation have coped.
Please post some more and keep talking