Hating myself and feeling worthless

[LuLu_]

I feel bad for posting again. I have posted a couple of times and I have been okay. So now I feel like to post would be attention seeking and selfish as my mood is inconsistent it feels like i am faking it.

i stay up late in order to force dark thoughts. I know it’s unhelpful but I do it anyway.

I am struggling with coming to terms with my Identity. Recently I’ve been talking with my psychologist about my biological father who I don’t remember. I just don’t know who I am. I lost myself a few years ago when I sunk into depression.

I feel worthless. I feel a lot of hate towards myself. I don’t deserve the life I’ve been given and the people in my life. I kind of want to disappear. I keep thinking about driving away. But I know it would hurt the people around me. It would worry them. But in a sick way I want them to worry. I feel awful for thinking that.

I guess I am lost, lonely and unsure.

Perhaps I just want someone to listen. Tomorrow I will wake up and I will be fine. So maybe it’s all in my head. Maybe i am just making it all up.

[Just Sara]

Hi Lulu;

You sound really confused atm. One thing's in your favour though; you had enough courage and insight to post. That's a plus in my book.

Coming on here as you've done is a sign you 'want' to get better. Call it intuition or plain experience if you will, but I can tell when someone's crying out for help.

I've been where you are now; no idea of who I was or what I was supposed to be doing. It's part and parcel of a confused and overwhelmed mind. But it's also from challenging old outdated beliefs and behaviours.

The child that still lives inside you hasn't been taught how to be a functional adult. Recovery means facing this truth. It's hard for sure, and a long journey of self discovery, one tiny step at a time.

By writing down your thoughts on here you've invited people like me to share previous experience and knowledge to support this journey of yours. So...here I am.

It might be productive if you could ask me a question and I'll endeavour to answer it as best as I can. If I can't then someone else might help.

Looking forward to chatting..

Sez

[geoff]

hi LuLu, I think this is your OCD kicking in, if I remember you also have, if I'm wrong then I'm very sorry, and I say this by your comment 'in a sick way I want them to worry' as this is part of your 'intrusive thoughts'.
It doesn't matter how many times you decide to post, if you're hurting then you must do so, otherwise you won't get the help you need. Geoff.

[LuLu_]

Hi Sez

thank you for your reply. I am struggling with the thought of getting better. At this point i am feeling really numb that is why I intentionally try to make myself feel bad because I want to feel so desperately. A big part of me doesn’t want to get better. Without depression I don’t know who I am. I can’t go back to the person I was before so it means I have to become a new person. Which scares me so much.

I can see i am getting better and so does my psychologist but then I have these moments which are so low I feel like perhaps i am not as okay as I seem. Perhaps i am distracted from my thoughts but they are all still there waiting for me to give them attention.

I am not really sure what to ask you. So I suppose i will start simple. How are you at the moment? Are you or have you been in recovery? How did it feel?

Thank you again

[LuLu_]

Hi Geoff

i don’t have OCD but I do overthink and overthink. I think intensely about everything. I analyse and question myself constantly.

I am recovering from severe depression and moderate anxiety.

I constantly feel guilty because people have it so much worse. At the moment there is no reason for me to feel so ungrateful for my life. It’s like I’m invisible at times. There is a constant feeling of being out of place.

Thank you for replying

[Just Sara]

Morning Lulu;

To answer your question, I'm pretty clagged. Been up all night on here trying to make a difference. My eyes are half closed and my anti anxiety med's are kicking in thank goodness. Aren't you glad you asked? Ha! What a sorry arsed response. 😛

I do however like your response. You're one of the honest and open types that tell it like it is. Makes me relieved actually. I know who I'm dealing with and don't really mind any surprises. Seen it all before. 🙂

Re your fear of change; I so get it! That's why change has to start small. Miniscule for some. It's like learning to walk as a toddler. Roll onto their bellies and become really good at it until they realise their knees and hands come in handy. The rest is downhill from there.

When my brain broke, I never thought I'd feel calm or peace ever again. I was on survival mode for months until my first breakthru. That one act of mindfulness gave a little hope.

It paved the way to creating other moments just like that one. When I got better at it, another ah-ha moment came so I practiced it too.

What I'm getting at hun, is that it takes a long time to graduate Kindy. Once this happens, you're ready for primary school. It's a bit like maths you see. Start with addition and subtraction, leading to multiplication then division. You can't move on until you've mastered each one.

And yes, I'm in recovery so I have heaps to pass on. I've experienced a multitude of trauma which created really dysfunctional beliefs and behaviour. Analysing? Hey...I'm the queen!

I told you previously you have guts, insight and determination, otherwise you wouldn't be here right? It's the truth. Our subconscious; when it's acknowledged, prepares us for challenges that may scare the bejesus out of us. But what's better to learn from?

I think you're a great candidate for recovery; no doubt in my mind. You're bright, have self knowledge and willing to challenge yourself. My kinda gal!

So sit back, put your feet up, have a coffee on me and give me just one thing for today before I fall into my bed. A beautiful smile...:-D See...one tiny step towards your goal. I love this peer support stuff!

So do your homework and let me know how you do ok?

Loved chatting...

Sez x

[LuLu_]

The power of being anonymous is quite amazing. In reality I am a private person. I keep my feelings locked up. I don't share my thoughts until i am overwhelmed and ready to give up. I allow myself to cry its not that I don't want to be vulnerable. I just don't deal so well with questions. Perhaps I am worried if people really knew what I thought they would bail and I would be even more alone. Maybe its because my Mum is quite similar in that she doesn't share her troubles until they are overwhelming.

Each small step towards recovery is like a warning. I tell myself that I need to take two steps back so that i am not in danger territory so I do not get stuck in the unknown.

I like that you told me the truth. I try to help other on here as well. But then I think perhaps I shouldn't because i am not living life of rainbows and sunshines.

When I am down like I am today the thought of a smile sort of breaks me. Smiles are what people want to see. I don't tend to give people what they want. But I will try for you. Thank you for your kind effort to uplift my spirits. I am very thankful.

[jc2000]

Hi Lulu,

You have been helping me so much lately, i think it's time i at least try and help you.

I've put myself in similar situations before when i feel nothing and almost force myself to feel upset and angry just to feel something, anything. I'd stay up in my room at night recounting all of the bad things that've happened to me before, force myself to think about the people who have hurt me and I go through each situation individually trying to drag out the pain. I force myself to bring back painful memories just so i can feel something. And even though i know it's not good for my mental health, i do it anyways.

I also feel this need to do something, anything, for someone to notice that I'm not okay. I think about doing things just so someone could see the hurt rather than just have me try to explain it. i know the conflict of wanting someone to worry about you but also not wanting to feel attention seeking.

With your comment about not being able to go back to being the person you were before; maybe it's time to evolve? take the strength that you've gained from the past few years and continue on your journey? I know you said it's scary, but this frightening step is going to be one that will benefit you in the future.

I know those urges where you want to ruin every good step you've taken forward towards being in a better frame of mind, but Lulu it's time to stop trying to tear down the progress you've made.

you said that you feel guilty feeling the way that you do, but you need to remember that saying you can't be sad because someone else may have it worse is just like saying someone can't be happy because someone else may have it better. Lulu, you are entitled to feel the way that you feel, you are entitled to seek help when you need it, it doesn't matter if someone feels worse, if you need someone to talk to then you need someone to talk to. We are all here.

Hope to hear from you soon,

Julia

[Sophie_M]

Hi everyone, this thread is a double-up and will be locked.

Please continue your discussion in the thread below: I have everything yet I am deeply unhappy