Just a little bit off the path at the moment

[highhopes]

Hey all,

I'm in my early 30s and i've managed to make a mess of the finances for me and my Fiancee, i've always suffered from Depression since I was young about various things (bullying, not liking going to school, feeling left out). 

When I have an idea though, I am extremely passionate and will see it through, even if it makes me mentally sick. Yet at the same time I have no appreciation for anything I have achieved and feel more of a burden on people than a benefit.

Yet, people that have met me have always said how nice and polite I am, people always seem to remember me and often speak only good things about me. I am the sort of person that would say "thank you" for everything, because I am extremely grateful for time that people have for me. I would do anything for anyone, i've lent money to friends, and even people I didn't know that well but had a good feeling about it. One friend ran off with some money I lent him but i'm glad they are not involved in my life in any way.

I've managed to have 22 cars in 14 years, part of this is my ability to be indecisive but part of it was also for my passion of cars and setting big projects (the fun of fixing up cars), a few of these cars I got sick of rather quickly and sold them at a great loss.

To give you an idea, I lost around 20k buying/selling the last 4 cars (each car was purchased under 10k each to give you an idea).

As of April the 1st 2015, we had owed 36k which was separated on 2 credit cards and 1 personal loan (all maxed). Me and my fiancee have been miserable working so hard and not seeing a penny of it 3-4 years into full time work. 

The exact feelings I feel right now are regret (wishing I didn't waste so much money), and utter disappointment in myself that I could get us in this situation. I still feel useless, even though I have the most supportive fiancee in the world, I wish I had saved that money for a house deposit since we are renting.

We took a chance last month and put everything I could think of on the market (sold expensive car for a cheap one etc). We managed to lower the debt from 35k down to 17k in just on one month, sounds like a big achievement but I still feel miserable and useless.

Just looking at understanding my feelings. I wish I didn't have such hate for myself even though the situation is getting better. I feel there is still sadness inside even after debts paid off.

Thanks for your time. I really honestly do appreciate it

[white knight]

Hi highhopes, welcome here

Boy, are we similar. Or I was. Briefly.

I joined the Air froce in 1973 at 17yo. I had 15 cars and 5 motorbikes while in the RAAF in 3 years. When I left I thought my behaviour was over alas it wasnt. Every car/bike I purchased was "the last one as it was perfect for me". Not so. I was implusive and no one picked up there was something wrong with me.

By the time I was 25yo I'd owned a further 30 cars and 10 motorbikes and my debts got so high I couldnt pay for the payments. I went bankrupt. The judge recognised my good efforts to pay and allowed me to not pay payments towards the collective debt.

I thought my compulsive stuff was over- not yet.

I married and rather than buy a Toyota reliable car I bought vintage cars and restored them at great cost only to sell them as long as they were out of my life and they were replaced with a better car(in my eyes). By 2000 I had owned 90 cars and 10 motorbikes.

You get the picture. I did have some luck. I was entitled to a defence home loan and started to have a house built. So at 59yo I have got our home.

But it was 2003, 30 years since joining the RAAF that I was diagnosed with bipolars and depression, dysthymia and anxiety. Mania was present.

So, I would urge you to seek professional help here. Your condition is not your fault nor that of your spouse. You need to read my account to her so she knows your issues are in the least problematic enough to need assistance.

The good news is- that aging helps a lot. I've wondered why this is so. Perhaps cognitively we are immature and we perform like a kid in a lollyshop, wanting another matchbox toy that we havent owned before. Our impulsivity is out of whack,

Hope this helps.   Tony WK

[highhopes]

white knight - Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I must admit the impulsivity is just one of those things. My mind is so convinced, its not the first time though that others have tried to intervene saying "but you already have a nice car", which while it is correct I always manage to find a way to convince them (and myself) otherwise.

I have spent a good 6 months trying to subdue it. I ended up buying a $1000 run around car and let the car passion side of things dissipate into just a mode of transport. 

 I had basically jumped from interest to interest in the past (i've had probably 8-9 interests)
I've gone from:
Cars, Home Theater, dvd collecting, stamp collecting (when I was a kid), racing game simulators,, hifi music, remote control car racing, remote control planes, pocket motor bikes. The list goes on. All of which I have got into very extensively (invested a lot of time and money into them). My closest friend always said I got into things too fast, and exhausted them. But I always felt I wanted to give it the best shot at enjoying it thoroughly. 

 I always felt guilty for having more than one interest (that my money was caught up into too many things) that I very rarely enjoyed 2 interests at a time (in the same time period in life) so that meant selling that interest, moving funds to new interest and starting fresh.Strangely enough I have built around 6-7 home theatres in the past, each one was sold and then repurchased slightly different.

When I was a kid I always had that "another matchbox toy" mentality. Pretty sure dad used to always tell me I used to make tantrums at the shopping centre as I used to use the whole "But i've always wanted one" mentality. Could have been just because I was a kid, but at the same time I do find my justification methods even today not too different. I am always finding every possible way to justify a purchase by saying "its ok I can sell this instead and it will balance out". 

I am really particular and anxious about certain things. If I have found a dent/ pre-existing damage repairs on something I bought that I overlooked, i've been known to sell it and buy something else. I've done it with cars (part of the reason I bought and sold so many). I'm a perfectionist with the stuff I have now, I could tell you where every mark/dent is on my current car and home theater speakers off by memory.

[highhopes]

I am also extremely particular with personal cleanliness, if someone touches my desk at work or touches my arms that I don't know well (even work acquaintances) I will wash my hands. Sometimes I'll even wash my hands after washing them if I can't remember if I washed them.

When it comes to leaving home for work it takes me a while to leave, I will check that the heaters are not only turned off but also unplugged. And even though I know in the back of my mind i have checked it (I will literally be staring at the powerpoint), I actually had to ask my fiancee to make sure she was seeing the same thing as me for reassurance.

I will often check around the house 3-4 times, I tried battling this lately by counting in my head, there is 7 things to check in the house. Each time I check something (going around the house in a circular pattern and stopping at the front door) I count up out loud.

[highhopes]

Is it normal for our dreams to put things into perspective (like self healing)?

I was feeling probably the worst I have before yesterday (just disapointed in myself), but after a really vivid dream last night things seem to look like they are more into perspective.

I had a dream I was on a day trip with my fiancee (we haven't gone for one in quite a while), and we were exploring a train station when we found this open door. She ventured in to explore and I noticed someone who was watching us, I went to call out to her to get her attention but she was too far away. All of a sudden I saw someone on the top of the station building and he was pushing people off who had trespassed (strange I know), all of a sudden I saw my fiancee up there and quickly ran where she would have fallen. I held my hands open and caught her. I remember holding her hand and running with her (I was leading) All of a sudden we were being chased but she couldn't run fast enough (like she had hurt her legs from the fall even though I caught her). We looked behind us to see dogs running after us. I have a really bad fear of dogs, and in my dreams they always give me nightmares, normally they bite me. Once a dog bit me on the leg when I was a kid and they have always scared me since.

As we approached the fence I could see she was slowing down, so I helped her up first while I stayed at the ground. All I remember is she got onto the fence and I was on the ground with the dogs. 

I woke up proud of my "dream self" for catching her and for letting her up the fence first. I battled my fear of dogs even though ultimately in the dream they had "attacked me", but its like I didn't mind I just wanted her to be safe.

I know it was only a dream, but considering the biggest fear of my life is disappointing my Fiancee, its like my mind created a scenario to prove that even in a dream (that your not always in control) I would do anything for her (which is true in real world) and it made 99% of my insecurities of feeling "useless" disappear.

Its like my mind gave me the one thing I needed the most.