The labels I have are Major Depressive Disorder with Anxiety Disorder (Post Traumatic Stress). There are quite a few of us walking around with these labels imprinted on us. But what do they mean?
I have spent almost three years discussing these labels and the 'feelings' in relation to them and I don't feel I am winning the battle to have myself prioritised over my condition.
Yes I have a mental illness. Yes this illness interrupts my life at various times. I have not lost my intelligence - if anything I have gained far greater emotional intelligence and sharpened my intellect through the process of recovery.
I'm not sure of the points I want to discuss here or what I really want to say but I am finding all the tools at my disposal to get through the days are not working of late. I have spent six weeks shaking, afraid of noise and light and myself, and I am exhausted. Naturally depression is now taking over.
I am still mindfully meditating, limiting my experiences that cause triggers while finely balancing this with an appropriate amount of social interaction and discussing my current state of being with those who will listen. I am exercising most days, eating well, limiting alcohol, keeping to a sleep schedule etc etc This is what I know for sure.
There are moments in every single day I feel love and happiness and contentment. I have two wonderful children who so far remain firmly focused in front of any thoughts of suicide I have. Their father is unavailable to them and my parents (who we live with) are unwilling to support us, we have no other family where we live. If I'm not around, I can't imagine where they will end up.
I just find it so exhausting to live. Every morning I wake up and immediately go into deconstruction mode. Waging a battle against the part of my mind that wants to take over and unleash the hell that is my mental illness. So once I have that a little bit under control, I go into reconstruction mode. I tell myself the thoughts I need to have and discuss with myself what part of my thinking is logical or illogical. This is for say 30-45 minutes. Then I great my children and start the day. Throughout the day and evening the whole process continues.
I can't take medication as I am unable to parent with the side effects. My psychiatrist says I'm trapped between a rock and hard place. We've tried 11 medications and I can't tolerate any of them. It's impossible to live, yet inconceivable to die. I' m scared of what is going to happen to us.
