It feels easier to push people away and hide, than try and explain how bad I feel.

[Anna_Banana]

I find I'm becoming increasingly reclusive as | get older.  Whilst I know that people with depression are discouraged from isolating themselves socially, I just find life is easier for me this way.   I mainly only associate with fellow sufferers because nobody else understands and they say stupid stuff like, "just think positive" or "but you have a lovely house/son/husband/life etc", and all the usual stuff we all hear.   And as I approach the outskirts of 50, I just can't be bothered trying to explain myself to people who don't understand and never will.  Is it really that bad to protect myself from these well meaning but totally clueless people?   I mean, even people in my own family haven't got a clue what my life is like!   I recently told my brother about my life long battle and he has stopped talking to me!!!!  Luckily I have a very supportive husband, as he has PTSD and totally understands what this disease is really like.   Does anyone else push people away?  And, is it really that bad to be semi-reclusive, if that's where I feel safest?   I don't mind my own company to be honest and I have 5 lovely pets who love me regardless of my mood.  So what if I live like a hermit!!!    Shouldn't we all do what makes us feel most comfortable?    

[geoff]

dear Anna, this is an interesting comment, and I say this because the work that BB has done to make depression more aware in the community has been a great effort by them, but by making it more known is a bit different than to getting those who aren't depressed and therefore getting them to understand how a depressed person feels and thinks.

This is a major concern because we want people with depression to get the help that they need, but we also want those sitting on the fence, so to speak, to not frown upon someone going through a difficult time in their life, and understand that people suffering from this illness has no choice to be able to change overnight, and to show them that our life has just caved in.

To answer your question is a yes for me, as I rarely go to any functions or parties, but by having OCD could be part of the reason, as I have a timetable which I always stick to, plus all the medication I have to take.

When someone asks how have you been and you then tell them that you had a breakdown, an iron curtain closes down, as they aren't at all interested and start talking about what they have been doing, don't care what you have had to cope with, and don't want to know, totally oblivious to the struggle that we have had to try and deal with.

To be able to educate people to realise how strong depression is, will never be an easy job. L Geoff. x

[Cherpieus]

Hi Anna Banana.

I can totally relate to what you're saying. If you have a few people who understand you, including your husband, I don't think it's a problem to be somewhat reclusive with others - unless it bothers your husband or you beat yourself up about it. 

The problem with some people doing this, including myself is I end up not having anyone to talk to. My husband is not supportive at all and does not understand or even believe in Depression. So I become reclusive and 'fake' on the outside which I know is not good for me. But as you said I do this to be safe and not judged.

L Geoff has a very good point about using our mental illness for good - to educate others.  This is a very hard thing to do and I admire people who can. I haven't been able to so successfully.

[Anna_Banana]

Hi Geoff,   Thank you for your reply, and I think a change in attitude from the general public is happening, albeit very slowly.  Whenever a celebrity or elite sports person has the courage to come out and say they suffer from a mental health condition, it makes things just that little bit easier for the rest of us who are suffering.  Although, there will always be those people for whom ignorance is truly bliss.   In the meantime, I'll stay in my cave, where I feel safe and accepted.

[Anna_Banana]

I'm sorry to hear that your husband is not supportive of your condition.  That must be tough to handle.  I hope you have some supportive friends or family.   I also admire people who come out and openly admit their struggles.  Although, I've only been totally open with a handful of trusted people so far.   But, I feel safe in my "cave" and I don't have to explain myself to my pets, so here I shall stay.  

[geoff]

dear Anna Banana, thanks for your reply and totally understand how you feel, and please never feel ashamed in how you feel, because 'our cave' goes without saying it's our safe place, however please don't let this stop you from posting, because once you have posted you can then go back into your safe place, you are safe with us, as I at least have been through what you are, and I'm sure many other people have as well.  L Geoff. x

[Neil_1]

Hi there Anna

Thank you for coming to Beyond Blue and for providing your excellent post.

It’s great to see that my good friend, Geoff has replied to you.  He commented about the excellent work that Beyond Blue is doing to make depression and mental illness/health issues be more known in the community and even, in the past couple of years, this has happened a whole lot more.   But his last line about the making aware of the community and the education of them about how debilitating this illness is, is still going to be tough and take a helluva lot of effort.

Hence why you’ve come here and put forward about ‘well meaning’ people saying their ‘well meaning’ comments, but in the greater scheme of things, these comments are for the most part, pretty null and void.

I’m very similar to yourself, though I’m just on the ‘other side’ of 50, but I too have a lovely house, an awesome son and awesome daughter, um, I don’t have a husband, but I am defacto’d to my partner and try as she might, it’s also very hard for her to fully understand just what goes on in my mind.

But I too think that for people who aren’t directly affected by mental illness, then it’s so difficult for them to get a feel for what it’s like – sure they can read stuff and be told, but to live with this and to know about it, it’s bloody hard for us.  I guess that’s why it’s bloody hard for the ‘well meaning’ folk and for them to know what to say.

As far as being a recluse, this is obviously an extremely personal decision and I guess it’s a matter of thinking through how badly can these comments affect you – if they are water off a ducks back, then living as ‘usual’ could be ok;   but if it gets to be more than that and it does cause you stress and other feelings of anxiety etc, then to remove yourself from that environment I think can only be a beneficial thing for you.

I have my own set routines and if they alter in any way, it causes me major stress and anxiety and in my own way, though I don’t use the term ‘recluse’, I have my 'sanctuary' and and that is at home.  So if you feel this way as well, then perhaps for this current phase or time, it may be beneficial for you to do something similar – as long as you’re able too, that is.  Ie:  you don’t have to go to work or are relied upon to be at other places, etc.

I hope I’ve made some small semblance of sense with this reply.

Would be great to hear from you again.

Neil

[Binksy]

Hi Anna banana I enjoyed reading your post and think it is ok to be reclusive as you have an understanding husband and your pets to keep you company. I spend a lot of time on my own with only my dog for company it is just easier as I find socializing difficult. Yes I am lonely have been for a long time but just get use to it.  I don't have any advice it is just nice to know their are others that feel the same.  

Stay well. Binksy.

[nocturnus]

my partner of 30 years is an EN with tafe training for a few months to become dual medical and mental health registered. I picked her up one night, she had a busy and demanding shift. She started telling me how some of these people should get up off the arse and make more of an effort. Well, I am a sufferer of bouts of deep depression, and this all went out the window. I was shocked and even offended at these ignorant statements. This is the view of many out there in the world who have no patience for people claiming depression. Sadly even from those working in the field. In another situation a young doctor in a big hospital was overheard by a student nurse mocking a patient who has mental issues combined with drug abuse. He snuck out to have a smoke and shot some heroin. That doctor said pity he didn't top himself and do us all a favour. This is a true story.

[janazantar]

Your story resonates with me this evening as I lie in bed sobbing and knowing sleep won't come. Instead of wearing myself out crying I thought I'd get up and get on BB. I desperately want to cut all ties with everyone I know other than my parents and one friend at the moment. Get off facebook, delete everyones phone number, hide out at my parents. I don't want to go back to work since I've become aware some people have been talking about my behaviour but I don't know who or the circumstances that were so bad these two people thought it would hurt my career if the wrong people knew. It's caused me so much stress tonight as I rack my brain trying to think what it was and of course think the worse, did someone see my cry, was I short with someone, did I have the mask on that often looks like anger cause I'm trying to keep these confusing and hurtful emotions inside but its cracked through a few too many times over the last couple of weeks. The last few days have been filled with confusion and remorse cause I know its all me. I feel ashamed and too exhausted to face anyone. I hate that depression makes me question every little word or action and that I both fear and hate my vulnerability and overwhelming need to know. I question if people are my friends or if they are just being nice but ultimately its a useless question cause my negative thinking means it can only be bad and I'm just waiting on the evidence to confirm that they see me as weak and unstable and theres no way back to being seen as 'normal'. So tonight all I can think of is how can I resign so I'll never have to go back and see any of them. I'd have to get another job which seems futile since i'll still make all the same old mistakes and the thought of trying to get another job is just another avenue for my mind to tell me how useless I am cause lets face it - I am unstable. I don't know what I can do that wouldn't involve pressure but pays the mortgage and doctors bills. I've endured depression for over 20 years the whole time on medication and working with a couple of great psychologists and GP. I was doing so well and worked so hard to get better and I really was until this latest regression back to this state. Its lonely, my usual distractions aren't working and even if I took time off to try and get better you don't get a holiday out of your own head. I'm sad, angry and needy. I'm crying every other day and on the inside I'm screaming at the top of my lungs. Chocolate isn't even helping.