I'm not sad, and I don't feel worthless, but I'm numb...

Perthgirl2015 · ‎06-10-2015

I came to BB because reading an article about a woman with depression made me realise she was describing me to a T, but I never even considered depression. Even writing this I'm not sure, that's why I'm here, I need someone else to tell me "You're crazy, what you're feeling is normal" or to tell me "You're crazy, what you're feeling is not normal."

So, the things that lead me here:

- For about this whole year (maybe longer?), I've felt numb. I don't feel happy, I don't feel sad, I don't feel anything most of the time. Reason I know this: I got engaged this year, felt almost nothing over it (even though i love my fiance). I got an amazing opportunity that allowed me to do volunteer work through my job, and I felt nothing, and came back and told the experience as if it happened to someone else. I went to America for 5 weeks and had (in a rational mind) some of the best experiences possible while there, but I feel no joy looking back and felt no excitement while I was there. My grandmother died 2 months ago, and I didn't feel anything even though we were close when I was growing up.

- I have no motivation to do anything. My work suffers because I don't care if I meet KPIs. I find out about things to do, but don't have the energy to do it. This weekend was a struggle just to get myself to go to the movies. I have things around the house that need doing, but I just can't get up and do them. I dropped out of uni this year for the same reason. I don't do anything with my fiance because my head just isn't there. There are days when I don't even have the motivation to shower, and then 2-3 days have pass before I realise.

- Lack of focus. I dropped out of uni as I couldn't even do the readings. At work, I lose focus in the middle of a conversation or task and struggle to concentrate.

- As a result, I often spend a lot of my weekends in bed. Lately I don't get up till lunch time and even if I'm up at a decent hour, I'm back in bed for a 3 hour nap by 1pm. Nights are spent on the couch mindlessly scrolling through social media.

-I have no desire for sex And it rarely happens. When there is physical intimacy, my arousal only lasts about 10minutes before it dies.

- I often have a short fuse over the smallest things. About 6 weeks ago there was a point where I got so angry, my fiance told me that I actually scared him.

If someone else told me they were like this, I wouldn't second guess the fact that they should see a doctor, so why am I second guessing myself?

Guest_2350 · ‎06-10-2015

Hello Perthgirl,

it's great that you have taken the first step and posted on bb. Welcome to the forum.

I am not a professional and can only share my own experience, and I am still at the very beginning of my own journey. If you would give yourself the advise to go and see a doctor, please go. I know how scary it was for me to say it out loud and ask for help, but I am glad I did. I have large mood swings and I am scared when I am numb and when I feel disconnected from the world. It makes a difference for me to talk to my GP and psychologist and also here on bb about my feelings or non-existing feelings.

When I first approached my GP he asked me some questions and then decided to send me to a psychologist. It was very difficult for me but he was nice and took his time. I hope you have an understanding GP as well, but you can also ring the helpline here to help you find a professional.

I wish you all the best for your journey!! Remember you have us here as well. Take care, Yggy

coolkids12 · ‎06-10-2015

I am not that far behind you....but I'm fast at catching up!! I relocated back to Sydney from Dubbo only 9 months ago with my 2 sons (12 & 20) to be with my younger sons father for what was supposed to be a happy part of my life. After being separated from him for just over 6 years he asked me to marry him! I accepted and moved back to Sydney for a life of happyness. Soon after not being able to gain employment, no public transport for my son to get school, the pressure was on. He slowly retreated away from me! I too had become numb. Could not of cared less if I witnessed a car crash!! Everything was an effort and still is. The only difference now my soul is non exsistant. I get up of a morning feeling like I've been run over by a bus, get the boy off to school, come home and sit at the dining room table and just look out at nothing - for hours. Eating is also a battle. It all tastes like crap, makes me feel like I'm going throw up. Always looking pale and extremely tired. I just don't even like the body I'm in. I would not wish this on to anybody.....but your not alone!

geoff · ‎06-10-2015

dear Perthgirl, hi and great to be able to talk with you on this difficult topic.

Whether or not you actually do have depression or not, I can't diagnose, but after struggling for so many years it's fair for us to give our opinion only from our own experience.

There are times when we feel 'flat', that is, when nothing can excite or motivate us, but with depression the range it covers is enormous, so by feeling flat could mean that it is still attached to the end of depression, or the beginning of getting it, either way it's demoralising.

Why are you second guessing, well you could be hoping that you won't be classified as being someone with depression, but that's certainly not a fault by anybody, because it's virtually impossible to stop it once it heads our way, in contrast by having a relapse, where I know personally that within a couple of days I will be OK, however I still can't stop it.

What I would suggest is that you go and see your doctor and have them diagnose you, because the symptoms you have mention indicate that you possibly could have the beginnings of this terrible illness. L Geoff. x