im struggling with my thoughts lately

Jezzsm · ‎06-08-2017

So anyway since my first day at primary school to the end of high school. I have always been picked on having trash thrown at me, gang up on in groups of 5 or me bashed then left me laying there called me loser , creepy, dumb , worthless and poor because im ugly and due to that i have been isolated most of my life no body wants to be friends with the ugly kid. my family life isn't much better either my mum is a abusive alcoholic i have no dad and during school basically was living on and off the streets which was really hard to get good grades because as soon i was 15 i got a part time job so i could help pay mums rent, hotel, food or education school fees but most of my money i gave to my mum went to alcohol anyway. When i was 18 i moved into a share house because i couldn't stand my mum anymore i started a apprenticeship and recently finish im 23 now. i always thought it would get better when i got a roof over my head, car and a good income but i still find myself isolated and really struggling my thoughts lately. But i find it hard to reach out because i have anxiety lately i feel like there is someone in my mind always giving me negative thoughts making me feel down, worthless etc... like im a failure, your worthless, nothing is ever good is going to happen to you. i don't think help will work but has anyone out here had a similar story and had a positive outcome.

BballJ · ‎06-08-2017

Hi Jezzsm,

Firstly, welcome to the forums. Sorry to read what you have been through sounds like a very tough upbringing but huge credit to yourself for coming through this and getting out and making something of yourself.. that is a huge credit to you and something you should be proud of and also for posting your story here.

Personally I have battled anxiety due to many childhood issues, not too similar to yours as I don't want to compare but a lot of my mental health battle stem from unresolved childhood issues. I know the feeling of negative thoughts and how rampant they can run on you... have you ever gone to your GP and asked for a mental health plan and maybe considered speaking to a psychologist? They really do help and give you tips to work through your anxiety and negative thoughts. I always wished I started seeing a psychologist when I was younger to help deal with my anxiety but I finally did after a long battle and it did help a lot.

These forums are great and you are in the right place to talk, I can say with the right help, you can come through this.

Please also remember you can call the Beyond Blue helpline on 1300 22 4636 24/7 to discuss anything you are going through.

I am always happy to talk so feel free to post back as much as you like.

My best,

Jay

BballJ · ‎06-08-2017

Hi Jezzsm,

I also wanted to add you are not a failure or worthless... from what I got from your post was you are strong, resilient and a fighter. They are great qualities and help to overcome mental illness.

My best for you,

Jay

geoff · ‎07-08-2017

hello Jezzsm, you are NOT a failure or are you WORTHLESS please believe me.
I wonder whether these people at school picked on you because your mum was an abusive alcoholic, because once someone knows, then this news passes around the school so you are then teased and picked on and I'm sure that would be very unpleasant for you.
There has been so much for you to try and overcome and even though I'm not qualified to say but it seems as though your past has left a nasty mark with you, and that's why you're having negative thoughts.
These thoughts are typical when you have depression it's this illness that causes this, but before Igo on can you please google 'intrusive thoughts', there is an enormous section on this that so many people suffer from, including myself, and by doing this will enable you to know that you're not the only person struggling with this.
Would certainly love to hear back from you. Geoff.

Neil_1 · ‎07-08-2017

Hi there Jezz

Like others have posted, I too would like to say a massive “Good on you” for achieving what you’ve done so far. From what it seems, you’ve had no one to rely on, nor anyone to help you along the way, so you’ve done such a great job getting to where you are now.

You may not think that what you’ve done so far as much of an achievement, hence your feelings of worthless and I’m a failure, but you should counter those feelings/negative thoughts with comebacks like, “Well, up yours buddy, here I am, I’m 23, I’ve made it through all the shit that happened to me through school, I’ve completed an apprenticeship, I’ve got a job with a good income, a car, a roof over my head … should I bore you with more lists of things I’VE achieved?”

Something like that … have these things in your head ready to counter the next negative thoughts because you have done good, you have achieved.

May I also just ask, what hobbies, interests, sports you may like or even be involved in? Sometimes having something like this, can help out with isolation … finding something of interest to you, and there would be others with similar interests … like minded interest activities.

Would love to hear back from you.

Neil