Im so lost and need help.

[Dw1969]

Hi my name's David, Im 44yo and my partner and I were both diagnosed Hiv positive about 3 years ago now. At the time we were both quite ill, my health has improved greatly with the help of the anti viral meds, however my partner is still quite ill, he has cirrhosis of the liver which is  taking it's toll on him and his doctors recently found some lesions on his spleen which could possibly be lymphoma, so now we are waiting on test results. He has been sick for so long now and has enough problems of his own that I don't want him to have to worry about me as well, so I have been putting on this front that everything is ok with me when it's not the case, I'm so lost and need help, I don't know what to do anymore or who to turn to, I have no friends and no close family to talk to.

I've been depressed for about 12 months now, maybe longer, I can't remember the last time I felt good about myself or anything else, I've tried talking to both my Hiv specialist and my local GP a few times now and they just don't seem to listen to me or understand how I feel. The last month or so things have gotten worse, I started a new job 10 weeks ago, but haven't been to work for nearly 3 weeks now, I just get all nervous and anxious and can't bring myself to go in. Out of desperation I've lied to my boss telling her there was a death in the family and I had to go interstate, now I'm just ignoring her phone calls. I've been lying to my partner as well, telling him that they cut my shifts down to 1 shift per week and just going and sitting in the park when he thinks I'm at work, this last week I told him I had no shifts at all. I feel so awful, I've really reached a low, I don't know what to do, I'm so close to losing it completely, I've got no interest in anything anymore, everything is just too much of an effort. I keep digging myself into a deeper and deeper hole and can't see any way out, I've never felt this bad before I need to get help and don't know where to go.

How do I find  a good GP in the Parramatta area that might be able to help.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear David,

It's wonderful that you are so supportive of your partner.  But............you probably could support even better if you were a bit more proactive about your own depression and health.   The line that stood out for me was 'He has been sick for so long now and has enough problems on his own that I don't want him to have to worry about me as well".

You know the logic there is astounding.  Why not communicate ?  With your situation too ?  With your partner about your work situation ?  How many work phonecalls can you ignore ?   There is great concern about you but you are just shutting the world out.  Why ?  Where is your self worth ?  Your sense of belonging ?  Your needs to meet your needs ?   No wonder you also say "I'm so close to losing it completely".  

Is this your way of subconscioiusly empathising with your partner's lymphoma - that you can also die too ?  Because a bit more honest communication might break you out of all this shutting out and give your some positive power over your life.   If you really want to put yourself in the corner and not take steps to look after your own health how is this gonna help your partner and any treatment he has to go through ?  You want to be there for each other not almost there for each other.

I'm sure Parramatta has a Medical Centre with GPs and copies of Good Housekeeping and Readers Digest.  Mention your depression and social anxiety and your partners serious condition and the fact that killing off Patrick on the tv series Offspring last week was very similar to the traits of the Black Widow spider.   You sound like a lovely guy and very concerned.  But if I was your partner and suffering I would really prefer honesty and the chance to also support you rather than hanging up on people and coping by not coping.

Otherwise, without a connection, I'd have to seriously question what was the point of the HIV treatment and the fact that "my health has improved greatly" ?   You are still breathing but you seem a little emotionally dead.  Just for now.  Be a man for your man.    Try turning this baby around.    Village People would.

Adios, David.

PS   I am straight up today - I had a friend die of cancer last year who never told anyone !   You're kind of skipping the communication too.  Sorry if I come across like a shopping list.    My teenage daughter is pushing all my buttons...... 

[Bec_Tompkins]

Hey David.
The David above is right in saying the comment you made 'He has been sick for so long now and has enough problems on his own that I don't want him to have to worry about me as well".
In personal experiences i've realised people with depression tend to make assumptions based on things rather than actually asking and communicating to find the real reason. Maybe his reaction is bad but you need to take that step in asking. Step outside what you're used to because you might just like what happens.
Lying will only dig deeper holes and people won't understand. You need to let others know what you're going through. Keeping your illness in the dark will only make it harder for you to return to the way things were. Let your boss know and try to negotiate something between you so you are both at peace with things and you are getting what you need to stay OK. 
You should try speaking to a psychiatrist or psychologist. One that will really dig deep enough to find the roots of your illness and bring out things you may not have even known were affecting you,
I'm sorry for what you and your partner are going through and my heart is with you both.
Stay strong.
Take care of you. - Bec

[giggles]

Dear DW1069

The energy you have to make up all those lies and avoidance can simply be turned to energy for speaking about how you are feeling to someone, I can not offer assistance to finding someone to talk too but there is alot of help so you may benefit from calling the help line.

What have you got to lose at the moment your awareness is acute to that you can not go on like this what would you expect your partner to do..It is ok to be scared especially with what you are going through and what you have.

To have a job is wonderful I would like to know what is terrifying you about going as this can be a possible outlet for you especially if you can actually perform there.

So there you go break it down stop the lying and face up to the reality and prepare yourself for the future events thats all anyone can do or anyone can ask of you and ask of yourself. Why lie anyway do you get away with it too easily?

I have death at my door everyday because of my health issues but I will deal with that when it comes allbeit slowly or quickly I do not wish to know how this is going to happen and the Drs certainly do not know either in fact no one can tell us exactly until we have the situation in front of us so I am not going to  fear it into my life.

Our spirit is always trying to get through let it in it never dies imagine it sitting on your shoulder annoyed because you are not letting it work properly and if it leaves well then you really are dead because your body will not be here will it.

Maybe its all the human things that are happening around you are taking its toll.

Our bodies are not perfect and they can only do what they are capable of but accepting them and working with what you can do and feeling ok about it is all we can do,

All the best and let us know if you contact someone everyone here is here to help because they obviously care and have something to offer in helping you but I would like to know what is going to work for you personally only you can answer.

Giggles

[geoff]

dear David, all the above replies are very good, and I hope that they have had an impact on you.

As your partner is suffering from a great deal of physical problems such as cirrhosis, lesions on his spleen,and HIV, he must be concerned about you and what you are going through.

He would know that you love him and what you are going to do when his time approaches, so he would feel sorry for what may happen to you, so you can't pretend that everything is OK, because it isn't.

So your love for each other really should be re-connected verbally.

Your had a relationship for a long time and to say 'don't want him to have to worry about me', isn't that the great part of  true love, love that till exists, 'in sickness and in health, till death do us part', well it didn't happen to me and she was catholic.

And as Beth says ' Lying will only dig deeper holes and people won't understand', how true this is the greater you lie the worse it gets, because you can't cover yourself and you always get tongue tied.

Put yourself in his shoes and you would definitely want to know how your partner is coping, and you know that he wouldn't be. Geoff.