im losing the will to fight on

[guest75]

ive had my kids the last 2 days.

it made me happy 

today my daughter hugged me and told me i was "the best dad she'd ever had" to which i replied "im the only dad youve ever had" and she says "nuh uh mummy has a new boyfriend"

i litterally felt my heart break in 2, a tear welled up in my eye and i could feel my will to keep fighting, to keep on going sliding away

she told me she was joking but its left me feeling like an empty shell and i dont know if i want to keep on fighting

add to that im currently being forced to live with my mother (i have no other options) and i just feel like a huge burden on her and my sister and really get the feeling i am not wanted

i just want to give up

[Imagine]

Hi mattyj,

I can't add much to the posts above except to ask you please not to give up.

You are you daughter's only real Dad, you cannot ever be replaced. I know you did not want your children to grow up in this situation but they are growing up with the love and support of a Dad who lives FOR them and that is precious, rare and irreplaceable.

Please keep trying, please keep fighting, you have worked so hard and that work will be rewarded, you just have to hold on tight until it does. I know these sound like hollow words, but there is truth in them, even the very pain passes if you wait long enough. As GA said so beautifully, the stars are there even when we cannot see them. (And thank you GA, I needed to hear that today too!)

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Matty,

Just was thikning about you and wondering how you were doing?

I too am a keen photographer though haven't been able to get out as much I'd like to to service my landscape addiction. What sort of photos do you like to take?

Imagine- Thankyou. Not just for the direct compliment on my wording but recently when I couldn't see the stars myself I came back here and saw your post. You helped me see my own stars, when I could not.

GA

[guest75]

Hi GA,

Thanks for checking in on me 🙂

Still feel really down, but i cant see that improving until my current situation resolves itself one way or another. At the minute i am completely confused and dont know what to think, should i be trying to make myself get over her? should i hold out hope? i just dont know

With photography, i mostly like doing local sports (football, basketball, cricket) but also used to shoot a lot of bird photos and some landscapes

[Neil_1]

Hi Matty

For the moment, the best I can advise is for you to try and get wrapped up with either your hobby of photography, catch as much cricket as you can, get stuck into work, (as of tomorrow, yeah) and try to keep as busy as possible.  Try and keep the mind working, on other things.

I know it's so much easier for me to make these suggestions, as I don't have this situation occupying me all the time.  But the longer you can occupy yourself, hopefully that will put those other thoughts to the back of your mind.

I'm thinking of you Matty and please be strong ... it's such a difficult time at the moment.  It's an awful struggle, but you are proving to be brave and strong during this time.

Cheers mate

Neil

[guest75]

Thanks Neil

I am trying to keep my mind busy to keep from thinking about stuff...But as soon as i stop doing what Im doing i start thinking about her, about the kids, what happens if i lose them...I have a bad habit of always imagining the worst, ive always done it my whole life

Im looking forward to starting new job tomorrow (despite the fact im very nervous about it) as it will keep my mind occupied for 12 hours of the day (including driving time) so then when i get back here its just sleep, shower and sleep and then back into it, i will have less time to stress

[bzb]

Dear Mattyj,

I've read the posts and I don't think I can add much more. The people who have commented are wise souls and I agree with them. 

I grew up in a single family household. My father wasn't a father and my mother made the best decision to divorce him. That was when I was 6 and I am now 34. My father chose not to be apart of my life, and it was through my depression that I finally came to terms with the fact that he would never be the father I needed. My point is that your children need you and if that's all that gets you through the days, then so be it. You sound like a wonderful father and your children adore you. You have a lot going for you. There were many instances when I needed my father, but he wasn't there. So, please, get the help you need.

I do agree with other comments, please seek professional assistance. You are a wonderful person and please know that this will pass with time and with the right support to keep you going, it can make a difference to you. Please don't give up.

Please let us know how you are going. I'll say a prayer for you and please imagine the best outcome possible for you and your family rather than the worst possible case scenario.

Take care,

bzb

[guest75]

Thanks for the reply bzb

I am getting help - I am on anti depressants and seeing a psychologist

I just want to point out, that when i say im losing the will to fight on, im not talking about suicide. I am talking about taking all my money out of my bank, putting my phone on the table and just walking away, going somewhere that nobody knows me, just disappearing - it feels as though at the minute most people would be happy if i did that.  As much as i dont want to be here, as much as i feel like everyone would be happy if i did, i would never choose suicide, i wouldnt want my kids blaming themselves for the rest of the lives for my choice.  But disappearing, going off the grid and never having to deal with anything anymore, that is what i want. my wife wouldnt need the IVO, she wouldnt need to worry about letting me have the kids, i wouldnt annoy my mum and sister anymore by having to stay with them. i wouldnt bring down everyone on this forum by my complaining. everyday it just seems like a better idea

[Neil_1]

Matty ... let's get one thing straight.  If we're going to be mates on this forum, I never ever want to hear you say that you're bringing people down on this forum!  EVER.  Got it!   That sounded harsh, I guess, but I mean it ... there is NO WAY in the world that you are bringing anyone down on this website.

As for your other thoughts ... yes, that's an option ... but mate, honestly, how would you be if you did that, to possibly never see your beloved children again?  How would they be to find out that their dad just vanished, no sign, no note, just gawn?

I think it'd rip them apart ... I think it'd rip you apart.

Bzb came in with a brilliant comment by saying if the ONLY thing that gets you through this next little period is knowing that your children need a father, then so be it;  then that's what's to happen.  But you know, you've got so many other things on the horizon as well.

Work for one thing ... and sure you're nervous about it ... you wouldn't be human if you weren't nervous about turning up for a new job.  But I am here wishing you all the best with that.

You've also got all those other factors that you've outlined in earlier posts that you've sought out.  And you know what, come the time of the 21st, when 'whoever is the official in charge' will be looking at this ... they will see that (a) you have invested so much of yourself to try and get better all for the sake of your family AND (b) they will also note that you haven't done anything illegal by contacting your family when you weren't supposed too (and I hang my head in shame for suggesting you do the letter thing - I'm so glad you set me straight with that).  You've crossed the t's and dotted the i's for this whole entire time.

No one would be better off if you left ...

Also, can you please let us know how you get on after your first day at the new job.  I really hope that it goes really well for you.

Cheers

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Matty,

Good to hear bac from you.

New job can be scary but it could be just waht you need to distract you from this situation. At the very least you will feel like you achieve sometihng in a day and that can only do good things for your self esteem. The money you earn can go towards your kids aswell. So as scary as it will be, I can see only good things coming from that.

I'm not the best to advise on fatherhood and childern, so I'll leave that to others. I can however wish you all the best of luck with the new job and say that I am still listening if you would like to talk.

GA
 

[Keir]

Matty, I totally get where you're at, brother. My ex-wife and I have two wonderful daughters, and they are without doubt the catalyst for my survival. It was only thoughts of them that kept me from suicide. I'm sure you understand.

Shortly after my wife divorced me, my girls told me she had a boyfriend who was moving in with them. Man, that put me so close to the edge. But it was my girls who once again kept me from going over that edge. They loved me, and they let me know it. I lived with the horror of another man being there to see my children first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I lived with the devastation of my wife marrying that man and my children have a step-father. I lived with it all and so much more, just as you are finding yourself having to do.

I remember calling my girls once and their step-father answering the phone, telling me that my youngest didn't want to talk to me (she was 8 at the time). I then heard her screaming out: "You're a liar. I DO want to speak to my daddy. Liar! Liar!" He hung up on me before she could snatch the phone. He and my ex-wife used my depression against me, and I didn't see my girls for a full year. I can't begin to tell you the number of times that suicide seemed a wonderful alternative. 

Matty, throughout that ordeal, though, I committed to holding fast and *trusting* my girls (now 14 and 17). Despite everything, their love for me never diminished, and we are now closer than ever, speaking at least once on the phone every day. I quite literally shudder every time I recall how close I was to suicide, thinking how much I would have missed - the love, the silly phone calls, sitting on the banks of the Yarra on New Years Eve with my girls, the hugs and the knowledge that they DO have only one father - ME.

Matty, it matters not one damn bit who else comes into the lives of your children. You and you alone are their father. You are that one single person who, throughout their lives, they will come to for advice and support. In return, my brother, they will give you what they will give no-one else - a child's love for their father. Do not miss out on that Matty. It is a wonderful and beautiful thing!