I've always lived by the harden up rule, but it's not working anymore

[Over_It1]

Life, 

I'm not sure if it is worth the hassle to even get up just so life can kick you down again. 

No work, (dont want to anymore) bills killing me (dont answer the phone anymore) just wanna hide in this dark hole and never leave.

I just want to be happy again .... even for half a day 

[Neil_1]

Hi there Over It,

Welcome to Beyond Blue – and it really sounds like you’re struggling big time at the moment.  Can I please say “Well done to you” for coming to Beyond Blue and posting – even that can be an effort and so again, well done on this.  

It’s the vicious cycle of life isn’t it (or was it Elton John who sang that “It’s a circle of life”).  

You know though, by hiding in the dark hole and not leaving that leaves you with very little opportunity for finding that moment of happiness. 

Another solid quote that I don’t mind is:  “We’re currently walking through hell.  Do we want to stay where we currently are?  “Hell” no, so in order to get out of where we are we need to keep on walking”.  

I know I’ve kind of beaten around the bush with this post but I did have little to go on, but I sure did want to acknowledge you and let you know that there’s people out there who understand what you’re going through (well kind of, but I hope you know what I mean). 

I don’t want to go and offer a lot of opinions or advice because you may have tried them all already … but it would be great to hear back from you again.  

 Kind regards  

Neil

[Over_It1]

thanks for your welcome

honestly i didnt know where to start I did gave a huge spiel typed out but then didnt post it.

honestly I still have no idea I've always lived by the harden the **** up rule of life which has generally worked but after the continuous kicking of the last 5 or so  years and last nights kick I was ready to pack it all in if wasn't for my loving wife of 10 years today thats where I would have headed.

It just seems that every time I try to make some progress something happens and I/we are left in a much worse situation than where we began. 

I just feel totally lost and there is no way out each and every turn i take is a dead end, miss a turn or go back 3 places .... 

just rambling now my heads not clear I need sleep 

[Neil_1]

Hi there Over It,

Great that you were able to come back and post again.

The hard knocks in life we face, they're never ever easy and they happen at times when we least expect it - and then they come again when we already feel low and vulnerable, so that hurts us even more.

It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your beautiful wife - and is she aware of just what situation you are in at the moment?  I'm guessing that she is a good source of support for you?

I hope that today has found you in at least a little more rested state and with that, I hope that things seem just a little bit better today than they were??

Do you have professional support mechanisms in place?   Like a GP, psych and/or on any medications at all??

I'm guessing in your big spiel that you've already typed out, that would give the information about what professional support you've got happening?

But Over It, this is cool as well.  There is never any pressure for anyone to post here OR to provide anything that they don't wish too.

Having said that, people will be reading your post and if they find out a bit more, then they'll no doubt be chipping in with some useful advice as well.

And again, thank you for responding back.

Kind regards

Neil

[Over_It1]

Yep have very loving and understanding wife 🙂 without her I wouldn't be here. Still haven't slept much and no not medicated or seeing anyone ..... but am going to talk to my doc on Saturday.It's time.

Not even sure why I posted here to begin with maybe it was just to jump out of the hole I'm in or to see if helped with the thoughts of being useless as my wife pointed out to me that it will pass soon as it always does and then I'll be up and running again(so to speak) and I'll forget all about it. 

Wish I could type whats going on in my head but hey that isnt going to happen as it moves alot faster than I can type.

I'm sitting here thinking about ways to take that leap into happiness again maybe a change of scenery again I've never been able to stay in one place or at one job my most successful achievement in life is my marriage.

Seriously I'm just rambling and typing random stuff 

[Neil_1]

Hey there Over It,

You know what I'm finding?  That each time you come on you're actually writing a little more - each post you do is getting slightly bigger.  I really hope that's a sign that you're feeling more comfortable being here and feel you're able to express yourself just that little bit more.

I believe you came here just as you suggested, "to jump out of the hole" and for me, that's an excellent positive step (jump) forward.  You've reached the point where you are sick of this and you want to make some advances on this illness.

To me, you've made TWO positive steps forward.  (1) Coming to Beyond Blue and posting and revisiting again;  &  (2) that you've made an appointment with your GP.

Rambling with random stuff is good - that's one of the purposes of what these forums are for - so people can just unload and vent and rant and rave (if they wish) and to just get things off their chest - thoughts that are clogging up the mind.

Again, if you feel like doing that it might just be a beneficial experience for you ... to either write and post it here, or if you don't feel comfortable about that, then to type it into some word document or the like.  You know, I think this is something you should seriously think about doing before your upcoming GP visit.  It will kind of loosen up what's in your mind (as you mentioned it seems like there's a lot happening there) and to get it down and 'out there' might be helpful so it'll be much fresher in your mind for your GP appointment.  Just a thought.

I particularly LOVED what you wrote about being your most successful achievement being:  your marriage.  And you should feel damn proud about that because marriages aren't easy either - they can take an awful lot of work and you're a successful happily married couple for 10 years and counting.  That is really something.  I could go on with other positives that I'm sensing, but I'll leave for the moment.

Great chatting again with you OI (Over It for short);  🙂

Neil

[homer_thompson]

howdy over it,

don't be concerned about the randomness of your posts.. they make perfect sense. save the perfect chronology for your accountant or biography, putting the "whole story" together is a huge job and probably not all that important.. ramble is perfectly acceptable around these boards .

sounds like you have a great attitude and you're making some smart moves. so if it helps more, purge away.. you won't upset anyone here.

All the best mate.

[Over_It1]

Ok nearly 5 days after my 1st post, I've seen my doc for the 1st time 1st diag severe depression with manic symptoms have counseling sessions booked and Psyche  booked .... she thinks I might have bipolar ...I'm not sure but hey it would make past life experience male alot of sense. 

I'm not sure if either I'm happy of sad been drinking lots and its a huge roller coaster of emotions atm up down turn it around. 

Having huge moments right now ,,, not sure if it's because I've finally admitted to having a problem or the mind has just fallen off the edge and let down the guard that I've had surrounding myself for all these years but I just had a hugely incoherent moment in front of my family which included laughter crying anger and confusion all over 2 pieces of bread.

Life is confusing at the moment although my GP says there is light at the end of the tunnel .... mind you I cant even find the tunnel at the moment lol .... 

life is strange thoughts are strange ... hoping to start sorting this head out (laughing and crying). 

Thoughts are so different yet very similar to what hey were..... 

Thanks for allowing my very random thoughts and rants 

[Neil_1]

Hi Over It

That was a really funny comment about you not even being able to ‘find the tunnel’.  🙂

May I also ask whether you actually got to eat those two pieces of bread??  😉

I’m so pleased to hear of the positive news from your post – and that you’ve made appointments, etc.  Have anti depressants been mentioned along the way as well?

That was kind of you to post back about what you’ve accomplished of late and I hope that you can post again as long as you feel ok to do so.

Kind regards

Neil

[Over_It1]

Hey Neil.

first of all .... hmmm the bread yep my wife just went to the kitchen and got more felt completely stupid falling apart over it but it has made myself as well as my wife realize how vulnerable I am at the moment. 

Anti depressants have been spoken about although she's isnt sure they are the right thing for me incase she is right and I have bipolar and doesnt wish to send me into mania  I'm at least sleeping at night (well 5 hours anyhow) and keeping calm during the day.

All the same thoughts are going through my mind as in my original post and In more directions than you could imagine just not at such an extreme rate also still feeling ultra Hypo just cant get the motivation to anything.

I've come to the conclusion that admitting I have a problem and seeking help is the hardest thing I've done but I am afraid of not being able to finish and fail as I've never finished anything in my life. My house and life is full of half finished projects (well the ones that are left if I haven't raged and destroyed them).

Enough for now 1 hour to type this much .. time to go see the evil at centrelink I think I filled out the paperwork right lucky for them I'm in a sedated state for now.