I think I really need help...

[Missy14]

I'm really not sure where to start, all I know is I feel so alone, I have no one to talk to let alone anyone who understands even a miniscule amount of what it feels like to be stuck inside my head. I've had some form of depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember, even during my childhood. It feels overwhelming now, to the point I don't want to live like this anymore. I believe I may suffer from high functioning depression along with anxiety which means I have the ability to pretend I'm ok, really well. As I type this I'm sitting at work, at a job I hate so much that coming here each day makes me miserable but still, I put on the fake smile and get on with the day because I know it's what is expected of me and I also need to support my family financially. Underneath all of the fake-ness I'm screaming, my thoughts never stop and I have constant heart palpitations (anxiety caused I'm sure). I feel like a failure of a person, wife and mother even though I know I'm trying my best to hide the constant internal battle. The few times that it has surfaced has been met with confusion, judgement and such lack of support that it makes me feel worse. I have tried medications and therapy but nothing helps for very long and I always end up back in this deep pit of despair. I honestly don't know what to do anymore, I'm so lost...

[james1]

Hi Missy14,

Welcome to the forums. You're not alone here. There are many wonderful and caring people here.

You mentioned you'd already tried medication and therapy before. Can I ask if you have been to a doctor recently about this? It sounds like you're really overwhelmed and, as someone who also bottles everything at the desk during the day at work, I know what it can feel like to be just be constantly on edge and trapped in your mind.

Don't forget you can also call the BeyondBlue team a call on 1300 22 4636 just to talk through some of your thoughts and feelings. We're here for you. Do you know what you'll be doing for the rest of the day after work?

James

[Missy14]

Hi James1,

Thank you kindly for your response. To be brutally honest I've been refreshing the forums page hoping someone would respond just so I would have someone to talk to as I tried messaging my husband in regards to how I'm feeling only to have him respond with a shopping list...

My plan was to call once I finish work, I'm just trying to distract myself in the meantime.

I was on medication which helped for a short time but once it stopped helping I stopped taking it. I was also seeing a therapist privately who placated me for weeks only to turn everything around on me in front of my husband (long story). What I want to do and what I'll actually do after work today is very conflicting. I'm supposed to leave work and go home as I also work from home after hours and on weekends plus my husband is home and would not take kindly if I didn't go straight home. For some time now I've had an increasing urge to run away, like a child, and never come back but I can't, I have three kids at home and a never ending list of problems to sort out so I just continue on, all the while feeling worse and worse. I'm so scared to seek help because the few people that I've confided in treat me as though I'm lying, I really must be better at hiding things than even I realised, and I worry what people will think of me. Being the way I am is causing major strain on my marriage and I feel like it's all my fault.

Thank you for providing an outlet, it means a lot to have a space where someone understands what it's like.

[Pennywise]

Hi Missy14.

Well done on posting your troubles on here. Thats a great first step and asking for help is very brave too. And yes you're not alone. Every situation and person is different but I suffer from anxiety too.

Can I ask how long have you done therapy for? That is whats the longest length of time that you've seen a psychologist for? I ask this cos sometimes you need ongoing support but also I have been told by my own psychologist that talk therapy doesnt work for everybody and if you've tried for a long time then thats ok.

Have you tried breathing exercises and mindfulness? A book called "Overcoming anxiety for dummies" is a very thorough book for anxiety. I encourage you to perhaps look into it. Also I meditate everyday for 10mins to clear my head. Sometimes just focusing on your breathing slows the mind down. It might take some practice but it might help you get through the day. I use an app called "Calm". Pretty awesome app. Meditation doesnt involve alot of "ommms" or anything, just reconnecting with the here and now. Just remember the only certainty in life is impermanence. Although this sounds scary take comfort in the fact that as long as you're trying you wont feel like this forever, its only temporary.

Do you have a supportive partner? If so maybe you should ask him/her to visit the Dr with you. You shouldnt be met with judgement when you're struggling however it can be confusing for other people to understand.

I cant imagine what you're going through but I hope the support from here can help you through somehow.

Stay in touch x

[Missy14]

Hi Pennywise,

Thank you very much for your response, I'm hoping by talking with people who can relate and understand might help. I've also responded to James above but there seems to be a delay (I think I read that all posts are checked by moderators?) so I apologise if I repeat anything in my replies.

My stint with therapy lasted for around 6 months and was only last year; I was prescribed medication at the time as well. I'm fairly sure I just chose the wrong therapist as she ended up causing more damage and now I'm scared to give it another go, even if with someone new. I'm also sure that talking therapy is not the greatest for me, I can talk non-stop but continue rehashing and going around in circles like there's no resolve. I've not tried proper meditation because I convince myself it won't work (another thing I need to work on but don't know how) due to my mind always racing. Once the thoughts start they just keep going and going, almost like my typings here that I feel, make no sense after a while.

I want to say that my husband is not supportive but I'm sure he tries his best, he just doesn't understand. I messaged him earlier that I'm not doing so well and that I feel like a failure, he tells me I'm not and expects a switch to flick and I'll be ok (I honestly wish it worked!) , when that doesn't happen he gets very frustrated with me and we end up fighting because my mood is bringing him down. I have a few people that are more so "associates", we go out to dinners etc and again, I put on the fake ness and pretend that everything is fine. I have no real friends and no family (besides my own kids) so I must put an awful amount of pressure on my husband to be there for me which fills me with such guilt.

Apologies in advance if this post is just a nonsensical rant.

[james1]

Hi Missy,

I know where you're coming from. I'm on these forums basically the entire time at work because I'm just so distracted by my thoughts. The worst thing is when my thoughts start to conflict and make no sense to me either, then I just shut down completely.

Anyway.

If you're not feeling comfortable going back to the doctor because you're not sure it'll work, perhaps you can start by telling us what it is that you want? I hate that question myself, but I think it's worth asking. What aspects of your life do you want to improve?

When I answered "everything, yet nothing because I don't want to get better", my psychologist put it this way: what does your "healthy adult" part of you say would be nice to improve? just a few aspects to start, and the others can come later.

For me, it was to be able to get to work on time, to be able to get through a day without feeling like I was going to throw up. And sleep properly.

Keep talking to us Missy. I think we've all got a lot to share and we can support each other through this and hopefully, you'll feel comfortable or at least safer going to a professional.

Here's another idea: would you consider going to the professional, not for the purpose of getting better, but actually to bring your husband up to speed on how you're feeling? It sounds like he doesn't quite understand, and sometimes a professional saying things can seem more real.

James

[Pennywise]

How frustrating for you. I know from my own experience when I was trying to support my partner through his depression I often got frustrated only because I felt nothing I did was helping him. I agree with James. I think taking your husband with you to the Dr and another psychologist will help. However, talk therapy wont work until you find the "right" psychologist. By that I mean someone you feel you can trust and a psychologist is not supposed to throw around blame or judge you. Im sorry it has been a bad experience for you cos I too try not to relive the last few months of traumatic events over and over. I can understand totally what that feels like. Be patient with yourself though, you will find one. I wish we were able to recomment a psychologist on here if I knew what are you were in but I dont think thats allowed. I really liked the psychologist I was seeing and she really made a difference.

Maybe try scheduling a short sit down with your husband to talk. Make it clear though that you just want him to listen and need his help. Make a list of points youd like to talk about in case you get off track.

[Missy14]

Thanks James and Pennywise,

I also hate being asked what I want, my husband does this a lot. I guess what I want, more than anything, is to stop overthinking, over analyzing, feeling overwhelmed and stressed and miserable more often than not. I have my good days and my bad days but upon reflection even the good days really aren't that good, they're just not as bad as the really bad days, if that makes sense? I want all of the thoughts to stop and I want to stop hating my life. I tried to rationalize this recently, my life is the way it is because of the choices I made but all that did was make me think it's all my fault. I want to stop feeling paranoid and always fearful that people are going to hurt me so much so, that I read so much into a situation and run away with my thoughts.

Therapy went in such a way that most of my complaints were about my husband not understanding me, to the point she asked for me to bring him in to a session. Now up until this point she had been good at listening and supportive, the plan was to get my husband on the same page and shed some light into what I'm going through, what eventuated was her listening and her telling me that my husband is the way he is and that I need to accept that. Maybe I felt so bad because it wasn't what I wanted to hear? He tells me that I'm like that at times. But I was just so taken aback that I was being completely disregarded after all her and I had spoken about.

I'm feeling guilty for being so preoccupied with myself, I'm sorry guys. I haven't even asked either of you how you are let alone anything else and that's selfish of me.

[geoff]

dear Missy, tnere is no way you can just switch off, you maybe able to pretend to be good, but as time progress's this only becomes exhausting and finally you can't put on a fake happy face anymore.
There is a big difference when you are with other people to where you are by yourself, because that's when you break down, cry and feel miserble as well as horrible.
Can I say that any posts except for us Champions are not posted straight away, they have to be checked by the Moderators, that's how the site operates for safety reasons, so please I hope you aren't upset by this.
When you are at work and have the fake face on then it's so hard for you to be able to work or concentrate, but the worst mistake is to believe that you are a failure, that word doesn't exist on this site, you have a mental illness and that could mean depression, anxiety or any other disorder, and don't worry I had it as well as most of the people on this site.
You know the longer you hide this illness the worse it will get, but you seem to have a problem in that your husband doesn't recognise the fact that you are in desperate need for help, not a shopping list.
If you find a psychologist and feel that they are sarcastic towards you about what you saying get up and walk out, they are only doing more damage, and by saying that I would last one session and then if it happens again in the second session that's when you walk out.
It is now possible to try and start once again and if you feel as though you need to find another doctor who can then send you to another psychologist then click onto 'Get Support' there is a link to 'find a professional'.
I would also ask your doctor if they can put you on a 'mental health plan' which entitles you to 10 free visits which you can get every year.
You need help and you know you do so lets try and get you that. Geoff. x

[Wilma1]

Hi Missy and welcome. I haven't been here for long and find it really helpful just to connect with someone. I just want to say you are not hopeless, you are a valuable human being. Life is hard right now for you and I just want to let you know that I hear you. I too put on that smile and scream inside. Push on for some help. I had to try a few different therapists and have found one now. They are out there. Wishful.