I should be so lucky...

Voond · ‎28-06-2018

It is great to find this community as it is hard to talk about this as everyone is so caught up with their 'own stuff' that I feel I can't talk about this.

I have struggled enormously with motherhood. I was a corporate executive travelling the world and was offered my dream job when I had just had my baby. I was under the erroneous view that I could be a good mum and keep my career. Well this I found out was not the case, and due to a lot of pressure to 'be a good mum', I quit my career with the intention of returning. I really struggled to find myself and hit post natal depression in a big way as I felt a failure on all fronts - I resented my children and my family for the financial struggle and lack of purpose I felt - and then I felt a failure as all the previous career doors seemed to slam shut around me.

I am still underemployed - grabbing low paid work and working in my husband's business - which is not fulfilling me. I also do a lot of 'free' work for the local community, as no one seems to think what I do is worth being paid for (and yes I have asked!). I can't get interviews as I am either overqualified or other applicants are more attractive. As this continues, my confidence is dying. As a result I start to wish for this life to be over as it is such a mess. We have no money for anything fun or that would be fulfilling as every cent goes to keeping the business alive or a roof over our head. I look at what my potential was and I despair every day that I have been such a complete failure.

My family don't acknowledge depression. I get no encouragement or help as everyone thinks I am the person 'who had it all' and I 'should be happy'. Well I'm not and it is affecting my patience with my kids and our relationship. It is self-indulgent to want to talk about your issues when everyone 'has their thing' so I should get over it, has been the subtle and not-so-subtle message.

I don't know what to do, and I am worried that the blackness is settling in again and I won't be able to get out this time. I know the advice will be to see a GP, but taking that step scares the hell out of me for facing it as well as costs involved. Just getting this out has helped.

smallwolf · ‎28-06-2018

Tagging so I can reply later. But I am listening.

Tim

White_Rose · ‎28-06-2018

Dear Voond

Hello and welcome to the forum. Yes, this is a good place to be when you need to share your story and get help and support. It's a good idea to look at the other threads that have been posted as you can join in the conversations with those who have similar stories as yours. The Relationship forum may be a good place to look as well as this forum. Sometimes it is hard to decide where to post. It's good that you have posted here.

You are struggling with several problems which are linked and I would say are weighing you down. Caring for your child(ren?), looking for work to match your skills, having your mental and emotional states walked over and coping with ideas of others who "know" what you should do.

It is sad that you felt there was only the choice of giving up your job or being told you were neglecting your child. I rejoined the workforce when my youngest child (son) was four, the oldest (daughter) being eight with another daughter and son in between. My husband thought I should be at home and refused to do anything around the house because it was my job. Yes, I know.

It's no use saying what should have happened because that part is over. Now you are managing in a different arena. I think I would be hugely angry and upset in your position having to give up your job because of family pressure. It is not surprising you are resentful of your family. I know I seemed to work twice as hard to take the children to their various activities, help with homework, do the washing, cook meals and don't even mention vacuuming, while working full time.

I do relate to your lack of confidence. It is so hard when you remember what you can do but unable to demonstrate your skills. I am not going to suggest a doctor's visit for what is happening in your life. I imagine with one or more children you see your GP fairly regularly anyway. Build a good relationship with him/her as the time may come when you want to talk about your life.

I know I have not suggested much in this post. I wanted you to know that I care about you, that I have been in a similar position (though not a corporate executive) and I really do know how frustrating it must be.

If you want to talk to someone face to face then go to organisations such as Relationships Australia, Anglicare, Salvation Army. They all have counselling units which cost very little or nothing. If there is something local consider going and simply talking. Almost out of allowance. I will write in again.

Mary

Simms · ‎28-06-2018

Dear White Rose

I encourage you to be brave and talk to your GP. From a lifetime of depressive episodes I know I never just 'get over it'. You have a family who need you (and I'm sure love you) it's important to take all necessary steps to get well. Professional help is a positive step.

Guest_1584 · ‎28-06-2018

Think of your child and be proud of the incredible job being a good mum will make on his life forever , a solid loving foundation to take him through life, you just can't go wrong, the satisfaction that comes through as they grow , , even as a dad myself , is unbuyable or worth any job.

You can get back to that later in the meantime just do whatever you have to to get by or even start a business at home , whatever . It's a small sacrifice you will be so proud of later as your child grows,

Many dads and mus , have to lower their ideal while they buy houses and raise their kids.

Good luck.

smallwolf · ‎28-06-2018

Following Up... Sorry about the delay, but I also noticed that others replied shortly after. And now is the first chance I've had.

What each person does after the birth of a child is their own choice? In my case, the wife and I decided it best she stayed at home. For her the stress of returning to work was too great. It was tough but her emotional wellbeing was more important. However if someone else chooses to return to work that should be ok as well.

Sorry that your family does not believe in mental illnesses. From a work perspective I told them I was seeing a GP about anxiety related issues. But when I was referred to a psychologist who said I had severe anxiety and depression and suicidal, gave me the freedom to speak more openly. Possibly because the thoughts I had were validated even if they are irrational, in my case.

It is then well worth your while to at least speak with a GP about this and see what they recommend.

Mary gave some good advice on services to use. Not sure about here but in the US there are other low cost or free services. Beyond blue might have suggestions?

Is there anyone in your social group you can talk to openly about this? That can also help overcome any loneliness issues.

Can I ask what sort of work you did previously? Is there any part-time work in that area?

I have been looking for other possibilities job wise recently. I understand the problems of being over qualified. I don't really understand that part. But they think we will get bored because we are "over qualified".

Been rambling. Sorry. What I want you to get out of this is... I believe everything you have said. I think that you are probably a great mother. Even if your family don't believe you, give them a copy of the documents from beyond blue for partners and carers, asking them to read it for your sake if nothing else. But please consider seeing a GP and working forward from there.

With peace and strength,

Tim