I need help.

[misssanonymous]

Hi, 

I've been living in a deep depression for the last 8 years. I've struggled with self harm and attempted suicide numerous times, and I can't remember the last time I actually felt anything other than anger or sadness. I'm only 18, and the first time I attempted to take my life, I was 11. I'm on here because I want to know things that have helped others break out of their slump. I've tried therapy years ago, but quickly stopped when my parents yelled at me because my mental health was costing them, and they weren't seeing fast enough results. I've tried so many different things to break out of my slump, but genuinely cannot find the motivation to seek new ideas or keep them up. I'm unmotivated in life, I have zero interest in the things that used to make me feel like me, and even though I pretend I'm doing better, I'm getting worse. 

Nobody in my family listens or asks me questions. The only time anything was brought up was when my mum, out of the blue, asked if I was over harming myself. Every time I try to bring up how I'm feeling I'm told it's just hormones and 'we were dramatic teenagers once too'. I'm pushed away, ignored and left to try and change in a home environment that isn't doing anything to change either. My feelings are invalidated to the point where I feel shit for crying or not pretending to be the 'happy, grateful' daughter I should be in a family that treats me like I'm a burden and a disappointment. If I'm not angry or sad I genuinely feel nothing. It feels like my chest and brain are hollow and I'm a mannequin forced to watch everyone else live their lives. I have felt this way for so long, 8 god damn years and I fear it will never change. 

I'm scared if something doesn't change, ie.my mindset or habits, or even just the way I look at the meaning of life, I'll resort back to self harm, something I was told by parents was a selfish habit. How do I re-find myself? And how can I work up the courage to stand up to my family and seek out help?

[therising]

Hi missanonymous

I'm so glad you came here, a place where everyone's feelings are acknowledged as being valid and incredibly important. My heart goes out to you as you face the really tough and incredibly tormenting ones.

Being a sensitive or deeply feeling person's definitely not easy, that's for sure. With such sensitivity, you can sense the nature and behaviour of others. You can sense their enraging or depressing level of dismissiveness, their anxiety inducing level of neglect (as they can leave you alone to work through a lot of stressful challenges),  their questionable comments that leave you scratching your head in utter disbelief and there's so much more to sense when it comes to human nature.

I've found, over the years, how I can be feeling at any given time can involve a fair bit of detective work. It's so easy for people to go straight for the usual suspects such as hormonal imbalances, 'a challenging age' and all those other suspects. The unusual suspects often aren't given a lot of consideration in some cases. Just a few of the unusual ones that we can really feel at times

• Being left to wonder alone about why we're struggling so much, instead of having a bunch of wonderful (wonder filled) brainstormers around us all coming to brilliant and inspiring conclusions that can help us move forward. Pure inspiration definitely holds an energetic charge
• Chemical imbalances or deficiencies we feel the effects of. A depressing level of iron deficiency, B12 deficiency etc. A lack of good quality sleep, diet, sun exposure (vitamin D), water (hydro power for every cell in our body) etc. All those relate to chemistry/chemical reactions and deficiencies we can really feel in the way of energy and overall well being. Chemical energy plays a huge role in how we feel life and being alive
• Can be related to dozens and dozens of really constructive mental programs never put into our head. Each mental program holds some skill or ability. The skill or ability that comes with being demanding can mean we don't settle for anything less than helpful advice. For this ability to develop, there's definitely a need to get rid of the mental program that dictates 'Don't upset or challenge anyone. They won't like you if you do'. To be upstanding for our self can take skill, a skill that doesn't always make us popular. Some skills and abilities can be energising

So, 3 very different suspects when it comes to depression: Soul based (in the way of friendship and inspiration), physical (chemical and biological reasons) and mental (the way we think and process things). All 3 can be happening at once sometimes. Not all as simple as some believe. What they believe can be so enraging and depressing at times.

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

I'm really sorry to hear about the pain you've been experiencing for such a long time. It takes a tremendous amount of strength to keep going despite the challenges you've faced, especially in a space where you might find support. Remember that you are not alone, and there is hope for change and healing.

I am also saddened how your parents reacts when the results were not coming "quick enough". Some times just take time.

On finding yourself ... It might be helpful to reach out to someone outside of your family, such as a trusted friend, teacher, or counselor, who can provide a listening ear and offer support. They may be able to help you explore options for therapy or other professional help that can guide you towards a path of recovery. I understand you had previously tried therapy.

Your feelings and experiences are valid, and it's important to prioritize your mental health and well-being. You deserve support and understanding.

Take small steps towards seeking help and focus on self-care. You are worth it, and there are people who can and want to help you through this difficult time. Hold on to the hope that change is possible, and keep reaching out for the support you need.

What things do you like to do? Anything bring you any happiness?