Chronic Depression

[Jazz1959]

Seven years ago I underwent an Operation on my Thyroid. Shortly, afterwards I was found wandering around in an incoherent manner. I was admitted to hospital & underwent many tests over the following 2 weeks. After no results I was sent to Cramond Clinic @ the QEH.

I was given a cocktail of many different anti depressants. Then finally after a month sent home. A week later I attempted suicide. I was rushed back to the QEH where I stayed again at Cramond Clinic for a month then sent to a rehab facility.

I began a series of six Shock Treatments over a 4 week period. This was a VERY stressful time. 18 months later my Pychiatrist finally prescribed the right mix of drugs & I finally started feeling like myself. 

I had been to hell & back.

For 5 years my life resumed & I stayed depression free. Then last August I relasped into a 3 week depressive state.

Thankfully, due to family & friends I came through this time. Then 4 weekend ago in early May, through a series of stressful events, The Black Dog reared it's ugly head again. I went to a very dark place & fortunately  due to the love & care of my husband, I pulled through. I lost 5.5 kg in 3 weeks!! I stayed in bed most days & only wanted to curl up into a fetal position. It was horrid. 

Only one week ago I stated feeling better.

I have booked into a Beyond Bluue course & see my Dr regularly.

I now realise that sadly depression does not go away, but can reoccur.

[therising]

Hi Jazz

My heart goes out to you so much while having faced so many torturous and deeply depressing experiences. In my opinion, it is always something to be so incredibly proud of, making it through each period where a depression is so deep and so overwhelming that it leads one to suffer so much while they question everything including their reason for being here.

I used to think 'What's wrong with me?' every time I'd enter into a depression until one day waking up to the fact 'I will naturally feel everything that is deeply depressing'. While there can be dozens and dozens of different causes for depression, to personally feel a number of the causes can resemble hell on earth at times. For people to tell us 'You are simply prone to depression and you'll experience it on and off for the rest of your life' is in itself depressing. I believe it's more accurate to say to someone 'You will feel what's deeply depressing when something is legitimately deeply depressing'. In other words, you have the ability to feel it.

While shifting gears to see it as an ability, the question can become 'What is this feeling telling me?'. Seeing it as a telling feeling means there's little room for self doubt and self blame. If we can say 'This is my ability and not my fault', it can change the way we see our self. For example

• It's not my fault I can actually feel the depressing side effects of the thyroid surgery
• It's not my fault I can actually feel the side effects of a number of depressing challenges all happening at once. Feeling our self managing them alone also has a distinct feel to it
• It's not my fault I can actually feel the side effects of a chemical deficiency from depressing B12 levels and depressing levels of sleep apnea (a bit of personal experience there)
• It's not my fault I can actually feel the people around me depressing me
• It's not my fault I can actually feel the darker side of human nature at times, especially when I tune into the news

The list goes on.

'I am a feeler and therefor I will feel or sense what's there' means acknowledging a sensitivity that relates to an inner compass that can tell us when things are definitely heading south.

Btw, just read an article on the serious mental side effects of thyroid removal (where depression and psychosis were mentioned). Sounds like you may have been one of those rare cases for the books.