I'm trying to be better but today got the better of me.

[itsjustaj]

So today was hard.

Work was stressful but I asked for help instead of trying to deal with everything myself. 

I had an anxiety attack, but spoke with my manager and let her know so I could take a walk and deal with it. 

So.. all good right?

Until I got home and my husband and I had a fight. 

I HATE conflict. I will usually back off and not say how I am feeling. 

This time I didn't back off. I told my husband not to swear at me or talk down to me. He just couldn't see my side of things. 

I don't want to get into the fight. That isn't the point of this post. 

But after he left to go his friends place I got so angry! 

I was walking into our bedroom and I picked up our wedding photo and threw it. The glass smashed and the moment I did it, I felt like an absolute idiot. 

Now I am sitting here crying over broken freaking glass and feeling like I ruined everything. I want to text my husband and beg him to forgive me and tell him it's all my fault and just make it all go away. 

This is what happens whenever I stand up for myself, nothing changes and I just end up feeling like crap. 

I just want to give up some days because no matter what I do, I am always the arsehole. 

That's what my stupid brain is telling me right now

Trying so hard not to spiral.

I hope one day I can come to these forums and say that I am doing better  

[ABC01]

Dear itsjustaj,

I am so sorry today was so hard.

This reminds me of a fight I had with my brother just a few weeks ago.

Neither of us had our pov understood as we'd both have liked.

But we did eventually sit down and talk over our fight together.

I took accountability for my part and he did too.

Hopefully when the aftereffect feelings come down a bit you can talk to your husband too.

You have a right to stand up for yourself and have your feelings be valid.

Sometimes it takes a bit of time to come down to a level where you can have a level-headed conversation with one another.

You are not stupid. You aren't an arsehole either. You are just having a bad day.

Hope you can feel better soon,

ABC01

[therising]

Hi itsjustaj

I think one of the most challenging things in life can involve gradually discovering who we naturally are. In some cases, we could spend what feels like a lifetime of managing being someone else, such as a constant people pleaser or someone who doesn't rock the boat, only to eventually find out that it can serve us well to please our self occasionally.

Would you say you'd reached a breaking point with your husband, which includes breaking the glass? As a gal who's been married for 22 years, it took me a long time to figure out that my serious breaking points were typically breakthroughs. When inner dialogue starts to sound a little like 'What the hell are you doing tolerating this sh**?!!! Are you completely insane?', such breakthroughs become wake up calls. Alarming situations can wake us up to the question 'What have I been asleep to all this time?'. Major revelations can come in tow. 

I tend to believe we're multifaceted creatures. There are so many different facets that go toward making up the whole of who we are. The intolerant part of us can suddenly come to life in some upstanding way, leading us to tell it how it is in no uncertain terms, 'You're a complete a*****le who never listens to a single thing I say. You completely disregard my feelings in order to serve yourself'. Then, when the people pleaser in us comes back to life (no longer taking a back seat), the inner dialogue tends to sound more like 'What have you done? You need to apologise. You need to make things right'. I smile when I say the intolerant cow in me can tend to be a little arrogant at times. On occasion, when I like to channel it, it may insist 'Nothing wrong with giving that person a bit of a psychological slap (not physical of course), as a bit of a wake up call. They just not as conscious as you need them to be'. 😁🐮