I’m so numb that I lash out at those around me just to feel something

[cfalz]

I’m struggling to cope with this feeling of complete hollowness. I’ve had this deep sadness in me for years and it just won’t go away. I used to be able to cry, but I can’t even do that anymore.
I’m so so tired and I just want to sleep to stop thinking. I’m so numb that the only thing I can feel other than this unmoving sadness is when I’m lashing out at others. I snap and say terrible things to those around me just so I can feel something. I hate myself for it and I just want to stop it all. I just want it to stop. I hate myself for doing this but I just can’t stop
I don’t want to do this anymore. Please

[Quercus]

Hi Cfalz,

First off... I know you're not ok right now. But are you physically safe? The end of your post sounds very distressed and I'm worried about you.

These forums aren't immediate ok so if you are at risk do you think you might be able to phone the suicide call back service on 1300659467? They also have an online chat option if you're like me and the words get stuck over the phone.

Lashing out is ok sometimes. Many of us who have been in a similar place understand so the forums aren't judgemental.

I know for myself sometimes I lash out in desperation wanting someone to notice I need help. Do you feel like that or is it different for you?

My psychiatrist reminds me often that anger can be a symptom of depression and it usually is a sign I need to reassess my self care and to ask for medical support.

Another thing about lashing out for myself anyway is I use it to push people away from me when I am very low. The more isolated you are the more at risk you are. I think that is where it is important to go the professional route. You pay them so you can speak your mind to a larger extent without the risk of offending someone close to you. Do you have a GP or a therapist?

I really hope you feel able to keep writing. Even a quick reply knowing you are safe would be most appreciated. But no pressure ok. Self care comes first.

Nat

[geoff]

Hello Cfalz, feeling hollow means that no one can connect with you or no one wants to help you, and the only way for them to take notice is by lashing out at them, obviously, some will disappear, but then some will wake up and realise you need a friend.

It's just like being in a car by yourself and you come to set of lights where the traffic is heavy, then all of a sudden you break down and bawl your eyes out, then you look at the two cars either side of you expecting they will get out and comfort you, but no they just drive off leaving you alone.

I can remember that happening years ago, it was lonely.

Quercus has given you some excellent advice and if you do get any feedback be good to yourself because these people want to begin to try and understand what you're suffering from.

My best.

Geoff.

[cfalz]

Thank you so much for responding.

I don’t how to talk about this to somebody. I just know that they’ll think I’m a terrible person, and I just can’t face that.
I can’t even apologise.

I don’t know why I lash out. Maybe it’s because I want somebody to take notice of what’s going in me. I don’t know.

I find it so impossible to say sorry to those I’ve hurt and it’s not because I’m not sorry because I really am and the guilt’s killing me but I just can’t bring myself to say sorry. People keep telling me that I think I’m perfect, that I can never admit my faults, but I’m not perfect! I’m not a good person and I don’t have redeeming qualities but they still think that I think I’m perfect because I can’t bring my stupid self to say sorry. I’m just so tired of this but my brain won’t give me a break. I’m sorry for ranting. Thanks.

[cfalz]

Thank you for your reply.

You’re right, it is lonely. That analogy about the traffic is so true about how I feel.