I'm so lost I don't even know what to look for.

[Mr K]

I've had some great times in my life but the memories of these are so faded I can't recall them.

I'm so exhausted by life that I can't even remember what I enjoy anymore. If I have spare time I can't think of anything I'd like to do so I never seem to do anything. I seem to go through the motions trying to survive and feel totally stuck in a rut.

I'm being treated by prescription for anxiety and I've previously seen a psychologist who helped me transition through an abusive marriage and eventual separation and divorce.

I have 50% custody of my children who I love and live for but I worry that my lack of drive, will be detrimental to them.

I wish I were energetic, motivated, and excited by life. I wish I was good at small talk and could tell people about the fun times I was enjoying.

Everyone seems to have a plan, or a dream and here I am just trying to make it through another day.

😞

[Guest_1584]

Hi again.

l actually just stumbled over a thread by White Knight called relationship split, you might be interested if you can find it . He writes a lot of very very helpful and real stuff around here bc he's lived it and the intro though he talks about what you go through and some things that help, like treating yourself, a holiday away and other things but which reminded me of my time.

l did a lot of that too and even though l was usually still pretty well numb no matter what l did and l knew l would be, some things did still help in some ways for sure. l bought a new sound system and listening to this beauty took me away so often, it actually got me through. l'd also moved over to the beach after we sold our place , and so l forced myself to go out and walk every day, love sand, love water, love the beaches. lt was hard at first though and still empty, still numb and forced but in time l started to need it look forward to it enjoy it and there were even a few other regulars that l got to start talking to a bit after awhile and l'd really look forward to seeing them to.

Anyway , if you can find the thread well , take a look.

rx

[therising]

Hi Mr K

It can be a seriously tough gig when a sense of direction's lacking along with a lack of solid sense of self. Definitely 2 major elements that determine our connection to life. Personally, I never realised this until I faced a lack of both.

Two of the most powerful words: 'I AM'. How we use them can determine direction, perspective, mental health, sense of identity etc. Something else I managed to work out: You gotta be sensitive enough to get a feel for who you truly are as well as who you're not. Myself, I'm a pretty sensitive gal, which comes with pros and cons. Btw, I've found the best response to 'You're too sensitive' is 'Well how the hell else am I going to get a feel for what I'm facing or a feel for the direction I'm meant to be heading in or heading away from. I have to be able to sense that stuff'. You gotta be able to feel what oppression feels like in order to know the person you're living with is oppressive and depressing, otherwise you're left believing it's you that has the depressing nature, not them. I imagine you can relate. Gee narcissists are hard work. I live with one. They can be seriously mind altering, intensely depressing at times. Becoming emotionally detached is liberating; while you can no longer fully feel what they say or do you can still feel the urge to make sense of it all. It's an education, for sure.

If you can confidently say 'I am a seeker', do you know what kind of seeker you are? A seeker of excitement, greater self understanding, simple differences (ones you can feel), greater energy, one determined to create new memories (to share with your kids) or all of these things and more? I've found being a seeker offers a sense of purpose: You're living to find what works, while also feeling what doesn't work.

Perhaps you're a seeker of what brings joy to your kids. To witness the joy we bring them, to know they are feeling/sensing joy, is proof we're actively loving them to life, not just talking about how much we love them. I feel my kids' joy through their laughter and up-shift of energy. When they sense I'm down, they raise me. We all raise each other, to laughter, greater consciousness and so much more.

[Mr K]

Separated since the end of 2019 and now divorced with financial consent orders. The only aspect of the separation the ex participated in with interest, was the financial stuff. Our parenting plan is by mutual agreement and I had to arrange and fund the divorce even though I did not initiate the separation. I've survived my marriage but now that I have found some freedom, I can't remember who I was and don't know who I am.  I really want to thrive in life, so that I am a good influence for my kids and fun to be around. I want to be someone others would want to spend time with.

[Guest_1584]

But what about you Mr k?

lt's not only about being a good example for your kids and other people, it's gotta be about us and our happiness too , and the rest will all just follow that anyway.

ln time you'll find new direction and things you wanna do or live that make "you" , happy to.

You've been through a lot , things just started coming to me way later on personally, 3 or 4 yrs, as l slowly started feeling better.

Good luck

[ecomama]

Awww Mr K, you're already someone others want to spend time with, look at all your fans right here! 
And WE are discussing the hard stuff lol. 

Yeah ain't the whole Family Law / divorce gig arduous? SNAP, the ONLY thing ex from here was interested in was the money from the second he met me! 
Now I see any monetary losses as.. yep, that's what I had to pay to secure my future - whatever that'll look like! 

I thought of you when I read a few things this morning in my fancy new book by Brene Brown "Atlas of the Heart; Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience". 

After a horrific personal event, she felt despair and in her case also anguish. She writes.. "for months (afterwards) it was a dance of desperate attempts to fix, change, and help, followed by (more of the same feelings). Then ultimately I got help."
She then writes about herself a decade later.. when I think of that time, it still evokes the same feelings "and I am not the same. I'm still me at my core, but it took time and help and processing for the bones to come back, and they're slightly different than they were before."

Mr K, you've been through a life changing event, one way to put it. We cannot turn back the clock and BE who we were before... we just aren't that person any more. 
You're a dad now for one. 

This is your new found freedom but we can feel bound by the past. If we ask for and receive help and PUT those things into practice for a decent amount of time (not 10 mins once lol), we will develop the capacity to create HOW we want to live, love and engage with everyone and everything around us. 
We are different now. Older, WISER lol, more experienced from lessons learnt if we reflect "enough". 

Now is your time to heal. 
Now is your time to create. 

That's ONE spec from her book, 
Love EM

[Mr K]

You are all so lovely, I am grateful for your support. One of the most limiting factors for me is that I am so very time poor. I seem to be able to account for every moment of my day so finding time to discover me again seems like an impossible task. What are some of the kinds of things that people have tried in the same circumstances?

[geoff]

Hello Mr K, are you able to write down what your usual day/s involve, there will things that you normally would do, so which items can you stop and by saying this, don't think about what may or may not happen because you have stopped, because if you do this, then you won't be able to stop.

There may be items you naturally do but you may not necessarily have to,  this will save you time and every little second can mount up to giving you time to do something else, that may be more constructive. 

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Mr K]

Hi Geoff, 

As a single Dad without other family support my days with my kids involves preparing breakfast and getting us all out for work and school, full-time work, collecting kids from afterschool care, preparing the evening meal, homework, preparing next days lunches, bedtime routine then just too worn out to do anything else. I try hard to maximise my time with my kids so I spend the time when they are not with me catching up with the general housework, laundry, and grocery shopping. I used to go to the gym every morning before the family was awake but I don't have the energy anymore. I desperately need either a proper break or some sort of serious inspiration. Thanks for writing, 

[ecomama]

Mr K, you're already "discovering you". You are alive and living your life. 
In your reply to Geoff, you describe 50/50 single parenting. 
You describe some depressive tones, do you think you're feeling depressed? 
It could be that this "new landscape" of your life is rather bewildering atm. 

I have my kids 100% & work FT. Although I've been doing this for around 30y, mostly as a SP.
My daughter ("Alexa" on BB) has 50/50 with her kids, so I'll list how she does things. Alexa works FT hours, is doing her Honours in Psych, pays for all the kids' sports etc..
~ minimise trips for groceries. I plan 3 days' food ahead at least. Buy bulk loo paper etc. 
~ I do laundry every day, 2-3 loads. Alexa does it all at once before the kids come / after they go. I have a basket for each child. They put their own stuff away. Our kids sort their clothes in the laundry. 
~ I have frozen meals / a simple meal of eggs or leftovers when I eat alone. Alexa has a Meal delivery service. 
~ I do floors once a week, mop up spills in between (lol every day). Alexa does hers before the kids come. 

We both set aside time each day to meditate / do Yoga at home. 10 mins per session. I revolve my life around the kids' needs / events etc. 
I do things I love eg gardening, painting my Buddha at home, renovating so I can be here. 

Single parenting is a tough gig! Takes TONS of energy. It may take some getting used to. Neither Alexa or I drink alcohol, we don't have the energy to lose! 

Best wishes

EM

[Mr K]

Depressed? I think so yes, compared to many other single dads who have been partners of toxic narssacistics I've managed to achieve a lot without losing more custody of my kids or them being unnecessarily affected by the change in their world. I should be in a better headspace but I just can't get there. I'm already being medicated for anxiety so another pill probably isn't the answer for me here but I do wish it were that simple.