I'm really struggling

S_J_D · ‎21-04-2016

I'm sitting at work and counting down the minutes til my appointment with my therapist. All 171 of them to be precise. But I'm back to trying to get through the next 5mins. Then the next. Then the next. I can't believe I'm back here. Again. I'm overwhelmed with a feeling of hopelessness. That I'm in a situation I cannot control, I cannot change. This is years in the making and I'm stuck in my life trap that was kicked off with emotional deprivation as a child. In adulthood it has resulted in poor choices in friends and partners that started as a kid. Never putting my needs first. Only attracting or being attracted to emotional unavailable men. A 'best' friend drove me to depression last year. I broke that off, but I'm left without any close friends. I don't even know how to turn to people. I'm so closed off, but that's my safe place. Looking back, I've never had emotional support. And without going into details, a recent diagnosis, means dating is pretty much off the agenda. I have no one to talk to or turn to (other than my therapist) and now it feels like there is nothing I can do about it. I've been in therapy for some time - working on my life trap but it feels like trying re-write history. But you can't. It is what it is. I'm damaged and it cannot be undone. I'm looking down the barrel of a love-less life - getting older (I'm 43 now) - being alone forever (as both my mother is and grandmother was - and both suffer/suffered from depression). I cannot help but think why bother? And then I apologize to God for being so utterly ungrateful, knowing I have a life that is beyond the dreams of some. I'm just so done with this, the emotional roller coaster and being back down in the deep dark pit that is depression. I'm not sure I have it in me to climb out again.

Nicoc · ‎21-04-2016

Hi I'm Nic and I totally know where you're at.

If I had the chance I'd walk right into your workplace now and offer you my hand and take you away from the minute-by-minute struggle you're going through. You see, I understand totally where you're at. That's the good thing about forums such as these....the other people on here 'get it'. They 'get' the feeling of hopelessness. They 'get' feeling powerless and they 'get' the feeling of being alone. In fact, I don't believe you can show another true empathy unless you have walked a similar path. Guess what though? You just reached out. You just opened the door despite your feeling vulnerable and you've just made a friend. Unfortunately I can't take away the pain you're in. Nor can I change your past. I can't change mine either and believe me I would gladly do anything to be able to. What I can do though is chat with you and assure you that tomorrow the sun is still going to rise and hopefully with a host of new opportunities. Hope your therapy goes well. I live for mine too.

Take care.

Nic

Anahata · ‎21-04-2016

Hi SJD, I felt compelled to reply to you because everything you said I could have easily written too. Hope your appointment went well, was it a new therapist or someone you see regularly? I know what it's like just really needing someone to help. I will be 43 this year too. My last (and only) serious relationship was 17 years ago. I have major depression, chronic fatigue syndrome and schizophrenia, so dating isn't really on the agenda for me. I am usually too tired or depressed to be bothered and I worry no-one will want to be with someone with my diagnosis.

I had a very difficult childhood and adolescence too. For a long time I repeated negative patterns over and over and was well and truly in that life trap you speak of.

You say you are damaged and it cannot be undone. I know what it feels like to feel that way, but I would like to reassure you that while the past can't be changed, there is a possibility for healing yourself, and a possibility for learning ways to stop repeating negative patterns.

I have done a lot of work on myself over the years, and although I still struggle with depression, my self esteem is pretty good and I enjoy my own company. I know it can be overwhelming, but I would encourage you to be hopeful that you can heal emotionally to a great extent and you can build your self-esteem in the present, no matter what has gone on in the past.

Writing here is a great start to climbing out of the pit. You are not alone. I hope you post back and let us know how you are doing.

Mares73 · ‎22-04-2016

Dear SJD

Im glad you found your way to the BB forums because whilst we are an online community, we truly understand the darkness that can envelop our lives & you will find true friends who will support you & offer compassion & care. No judgements just genuine care.

Yes you are right in that we cannot change history or the events that led us to where we are now-but with support we can learn to live with the scars. An abusive childhood, being a people pleaser & being attracted to unemotional relationships can be seen as some of the scars life leaves us. Yet 43 is not old-you are learning more about yourself everyday & hopefully that will lead to self confidence & a belief that you deserve more in life.Depression is a terrible illness that strips our self worth. But with support you will learn that you have every right to be happy & work towards that goal.

You mention you see a psychologist. What about GP? Have you considered medication? It doesn't make you happy but it can stop the lowest feelings from overwhelming you. Please have a talk to your GP about this?

Whether you believe it or not you are a wonderful special person who deserves every chance to be happy-regardless of what's happened to you.

Please think about talking to a GP & it would be great to hear back from you.

Thinking of you

Mares x

goblues · ‎22-04-2016

This is an enormously supportive and thoughtful post. I'm curious -- do you think your depression led to schizophrenia?

Thanks for your insight, go blues

goblues · ‎22-04-2016

You are so courageous for hanging tough. Please try to cling onto and go with any positives that are happening to you. Be well, go blues

S_J_D · ‎26-04-2016

Nic - thank you SO much for taking the time to reply. Your reply made me tear up, but in a good way. I know others are going through a similar thing, but hearing it is so, so different. It takes the edge of that feeling quite so alone. Even reading some of the other posts people have put up helps. It's not about fixing the the problem, it's about seeing you're not alone - as you say, if you haven't been through it, you cannot truly get it or fully understand. And then getting a reply like yours to feel the empathy is even better, and that visual of being offered your helping hand was beautiful...I needed that.

The session with my therapist as always helped, she's brilliant. It broke the 'catastrophising' I was doing and stopped me going even deeper into the pit. Now I feel I've leveled out. Then in time I'll climb back out of the pit. Crazy as it sounds, I want to just sit here for a while. Even though it can be a dark place, there's a safety to it as well. No getting knocked back down. I know all my defenses and shields are up...though the fact that I'm on here, maybe not totally.

I hope you had a nice weekend and the sun was shining for you Nic.

Thank you again...your words meant a lot.

Sarah

S_J_D · ‎26-04-2016

Anahata - thank you to you for your reply. Like Nic's and the others here it has really helped me, taken the edge of the loneliness. Even writing the post helped. I write a journal but it was kind of different to write here - I think the chance that someone might read it who gets it makes the difference. And to have the replies, you taking the time to reply means so much.

What really resonated was your comment on healing. I've been working on changing my beliefs, but it's hard hey? I'm someone who's done a lot of endurance events that mean a tonne of training and events that have tested me to the limit. But it's a breeze compared to the self-work...it's tough. And the in someways the more you progress the harder it can get - you're working towards a finish line that doesn't really exist. You just keep chugging away... Saying that, even though there isn't that clear end point, the rewards are far greater than crossing that finish line. I'm just feeling a bit battle wearie now and need to edge a bit further out of this darkness to start back. The therapist is a woman I started seeing last year during my last bought of depression. One of her specialties is dealing with life traps / schema therapy. Understanding where it all comes from has helped massively. Over the years I've learnt to like myself and I have always enjoyed my own compaby - I'm an only child from a single parent family and have always been happy alone and with the way things have been, it's my safe place. So it can be to my detriment - when being with others is what I should do, I retreat to be alone. I'm aware of that though and this weekend forced myself to get out, which was good.

Thank you again for your kind words - while I wouldn't wish this on anyone - hearing that others like you are going through it makes the world of difference. The replies here are so helpful. And you have most definitely helped me and given me the friendly nudge to keep chipping away at all and that it's possible to heal.

I hope the sun is shining on you today and always,

Sarah

S_J_D · ‎26-04-2016

Mares - thank you for your reply - like the others it meant a lot and I've really got something out of each one. You said that there is genuine care here - and it really feels like it. Feeling as hopeless and alone as I am, feeling that there is care and compassion helps. And it's care and interest from people like you who understand. There's no having to explain it - so hard when someone hasn't been through it.

I have tried medication before, twice and it didn't work for me. What emotions I had, they sucked out of me and made me even more tired and put on weight. I also have a bit of a battle with disordered eating and body image issues, so stacking on the kilos doesn't help! Saying that there are a lot of different medications, so maybe it's time to try something else. My preference, if possible, is to do it with therapy and self care if I can. But if I get really dark again, then yes, I'll chat to the GP.

And thank you for what you said about deserving the right to be happy, regardless of what's happened in the past. It's good to hear that, thank you. And that's what's really struck me with the forum and the comments - people getting it and say things that resonate, help and it all so clearly comes from a place of true understanding and care. So thank you Mares, I really, really appreciate your kind words and advice.

Sarah

Beachhut · ‎24-03-2018

Nic -thank you for your nice words and kind thoughts - i m.also struggling some bully issue at work - would like to have a chst with you ! Ps we are all.important with beautiful soul :