My outlook

Keira · ‎20-03-2018

My name is Keira. I'm thirteen years old and I have had depression for two years now. A lot has happened to me over this time, too much that I can write in one entry (I tried yesterday). I came to beyond blue because there is a lot going on in my head and I think I need to get some of it out. I wrote a lot yesterday. I wrote about my heartbreak, my hospital visits, and my feelings. But in the end of all my draft entries I came to the same conclusion. I'm fine with my life. I'm not looking for an answer to cure depression because there isn't one. Everybody has a different situation, everyone has different feelings. I used to be angry, upset and confused. Now I'm just numb. I find peace in the small things, the little moments that I look forward to give me something to live for even when I'm on the edge. Most people would say I don't know what depression is, I'm only thirteen, I don't know pain. But I know heartbreak. It's the thing I obsessed over for months, the thing I spent sleepless nights crying over, the thing that made me scream and bang my head against the wall and self harm to drown the voices in my head. I know what pain is. Not all kinds of pain. But I know heartbreak whether you believe it or not. I like it at my new school, here I'm invisible. Everybody thinks I'm quiet. They don't know about anything going in my head. They don't know my past or the things people said at my first high school. I would cry in every lesson when I was there. Before I had depression I was the happiest girl in the whole school. I was popular and bubbly and I was friends with everyone. I had plans to be famous, to write books, to travel and play my guitar. Now I have no clue what I'm going to do when I leave school. I don't even see myself living past 15. I left my past behind and it still haunts my mind and it still hurts me. It shattered me. But now I feel nothing. I still think about the memories every day, but I don't have the energy to feel. I just want to sleep. But its hard to sleep when you have insomnia. Even when you're on medication. I'm just too anxious to sleep, I feel too alert. It's like I can't stand to have my eyes closed. I've lost al my emotions. I just think now. I always felt like I was different. I guess that's a coping mechanism for my failed dream of being an actress. At least I'll always be the main character in my life. No one can take that away. I've learned to be friends with the demon in my head. In a way, its a good thing they came.

white knight · ‎20-03-2018

Hi Keira,

I got a great deal of pleasure reading your post. Only 13! wow, you can write so well. If you put your story into 3 or 4 paragraphs it would be perfect.

I just wrote a thread called "The grass is greener" syndrome a few minutes ago. You can look for it. I write these threads to assist people to get through life. It gives me great satisfaction when someone read them and replies with gratitude. It gives me purpose. I'm not saying your should do that but it gives you an example of how you can get pleasure out of life.

I believe you have experienced sadness and struggling. You don't need to be 61yo like me to know what it is.

However we often bounce off each other on this site to improve ourselves and learn because we are mostly alone with similar feelings and challenges that others don't understand. So if I said that life can be sooo wonderful, things that have happened to me that will never erase from my mind like- the birth of my kids, wow, travelling, flying inside RAAF planes and helping out when cyclone Tracy came along at Darwin in 1974, building my own house, building cubby houses and even built a train using my ride on mower lol, restoring an old car, saving injured animals, poetry and while reading it to an old man he cried with joy!!...etc. This is the meaning of life, the great things that inspire us to be better people....this is why we live.

Currently however you are at school age and these things are beyond your reach. But you can plan them. A plan might need to include a rough idea of your profession so you can get regular income then study acting after hours. That would be a good start. Why not study acting? It might end up just a hobby, or the sky is the limit. The friends you'll make- another benefit of a passion.

This alertness I'm familiar with. I have bipolar, depression etc and manic depression gives you highs and lows. Medication in my experience will only quell that not eliminate it as you said, so other ideas to help are- relaxation, physical exercise, and exhaustion. Going to bed and not sleeping is worse than staying up late and getting 4-6 hours sleep when you are tired.

Here are a few threads to read. Just read the first post if you like. use google

Topic: depression and the benefits of physical exhaustion- beyondblue

Topic: seeking value in life- beyondblue

topic: depression, is there any positive?- beyondblue

Topic: the balance of your life- beyondblue

All the best, I'll see you around here I reckon.

tony WK

Keira · ‎20-03-2018

Thank you Tony. I found your post helpful. It's great that I have found someone who also appreciates the little things in life and I agree with your suggestion to make a plan for my future. I have a rough plan laid out. What I really enjoy to do is write. I think it is the most creative way to get your feelings out. In my stories I can make anything happen, I can hide meaning in my characters personalities. I often put my own experiences and feelings in my stories so that if they ever get published, people who feel the same won't feel alone. I will make sure to read some of your threads. Thank you for your support. I hope you are doing okay - Keira

white knight · ‎20-03-2018

Thankyou for replying Keira

We also have a poets corner here. Use search.

Writing is expression and when we make an impact its very satisfying. You have a gift.

Tony WK

ALC · ‎23-03-2018

Hi Keira,

I just thought I’d jump in here because so much of what you have said resonates with me. I too struggled with depression, anxiety and also an eating disorder since my early teens. I’m 23 now, but for most of my time in school I felt like I was just fumbling my way through and I didn’t see a future for myself. I’m still not in a great place, but things somehow have a way of falling into place and now I find myself with a university degree and a great job. You seem like such an intuitive and intelligent young woman- I encourage you to reconnect with your emotions and with the world, because I think it will have much to reward you with in return!

Blessings,

A

ALC · ‎23-03-2018

Hi Keira,

I just thought I’d jump in here because so much of what you have said resonates with me. I too struggled with depression, anxiety and also an eating disorder since my early teens. I’m 23 now, but for most of my time in school I felt like I was just fumbling my way through and I didn’t see a future for myself. I’m still not in a great place, but things somehow have a way of falling into place and now I find myself with a university degree and a great job. You seem like such an intuitive and intelligent young woman- I encourage you to reconnect with your emotions and with the world, because I think it will have much to reward you with in return!

Blessings,

A

ALC · ‎23-03-2018

Hi Keira,

I just thought I’d jump in here because so much of what you have said resonates with me. I too struggled with depression, anxiety and also an eating disorder since my early teens. I’m 23 now, but for most of my time in school I felt like I was just fumbling my way through and I didn’t see a future for myself. I’m still not in a great place, but things somehow have a way of falling into place and now I find myself with a university degree and a great job. You seem like such an intuitive and intelligent young woman- I encourage you to reconnect with your emotions and with the world, because I think it will have much to reward you with in return!

Blessings,

A