I’m just so lost and afraid

[vulnerable]

Context, I’m nearing my 50th birthday and have nobody I can honestly say is more than a close acquaintance. From 2004 to 2020 I was in an abusive relationship with a toxically narcissist wife the ending of that of course cost me my home and half of my life with my two kids. In trying to rebuild I met a wonderful lady whom I fell very much in love with. A strong and independent single mother who unlike me has very much got her life together. For almost 4 years she has been something of a rock for me but unfortunately it looks like my inability to make plans is now more than she is willing to deal with and it seems like this relationship too is going to end. I’m unable to express just how sad this is making me feel, at times it’s just my kids that keep me from ending it all. I’ve known I’ve got anxiety quite badly and to some extent I’m being treated for that with regular medication. Though I hate to admit it I’m now quite convinced I also have significant depression too and probably have had for many many years. I don’t know who I am anymore, I lack energy, motivation or any lasting moment of happiness. I don’t ever know what I would like to do and even former hobbies from my better days just feel like ghosts of my past. I feel trapped by myself in this endless cycle of misery, heartbreak and dreams that never come true. I don’t know what to do, where to turn to or how to break the cycle. As I said before if I didn’t love my children as much as I do I’d just wish my life over to end the misery. I was able to talk about this with my mother but unfortunately she lost her battle with cancer last year so she too is lost to me. I know I’m not a bad person I’m loyal, generous, romantic in ways and kind hearted. I just don’t seem to be able to break out of this depression and it is destroying me. 

[indigo22]

Hi vulnerable,

Thank you for having the courage to reach out and tell us a little about yourself. I am able to relate to a number of things you are going through and I am so sorry you are in such a low state at the moment. You have been dealing with a lot and it sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed by your circumstances right now.

Firstly, have you spoken to any of the help lines (Beyond Blue or others) to get some support and advice, or perhaps spoken with your GP about how you are feeling? We cannot diagnose on the forums but the symptoms you have described sound very much like depression and I think it would be in your best interest to look into it further. We can definitely support you on the forums but we cannot give you the counselling that I feel you are need of to work through the experiences that have led you to feeling so low. I have been dealing with depression since I was young (now in my 60s) but I was not diagnosed until I was in my 40s, by that time much damage was already done and I am still working through much of it. I have also dealt with a narcissist sister and I know how much damage they can do to your sense of well-being. So my advice to you is to get some help now rather than leaving it to get any worse. If you would like some advice on reading material, I can suggest some authors that may help you better understand yourself and what you are going through. I am here if you would like to continue this conversation and will do my best to support you in whatever way you feel you need.

Take care,

indigo22

[Mr K]

Hello Indigo22, thank you so very much for responding to my message. I did speak to a lovely person at Beyond Blue in the evening after I made this post. I’m actually going today to see my doctor and ask for a mental health care plan with the intention of obtaining the counseling I need to work through this. As positive as these steps are I still believe that I’m going to have to deal with another heartbreak again soon and with that I will again loose friendships and a major part of my current support network.  I’d love any advice and support you can offer. I’m putting myself first for once and my motivation to heal is so I can be the man I’d want for my daughters. Thanks again for being the kind soul who cared. 

[indigo22]

I am so pleased that you got some advice on the help line and seeing your GP for a care plan, they are indeed very positive steps. Putting yourself first is important because you can't give to others when you are an empty vessel. It's like the analogy on aeroplanes of first putting on your mask, so you are then able to help others put theirs on. There is nothing selfish about it, and it is also an important example for your daughters because you have allowed yourself to be vulnerable and to reach out for help, that tells them that is ok to do the same should they ever feel the need. Have you had a conversation with your partner about the fact that you are taking these steps, is there a chance that things might turn around again?

As you work with your counselling, you will probably need some extra support during the time between visits, so please feel free to continue our conversation, it's why I joined the forums, to be that support when someone is in crisis. You should also make use of the help line whenever you feel you are not coping, it is only a temporary fix, but it does take some of the pressure off. I will post again soon with some books, I have something that needs my attention at this moment.

Take care,

indigo

[randomxx]

Hi there op and l'm very sorry about how your feeling.

Few things , firstly you have been seeing your kids right through though right?

ln Australia men have every right to their children , 50 50 in fact.l only hope that you discovered this yrs ago and have been with your kids and still the best dad you've been able to be.l know if l don't see my daughter for any length of time l go into depression just from that alone.

With the new lady ,unfortunately l can say l'm also going through very similar right now and sadly it is probably lost. She does have a point though bc 5yrs and l still haven't been able to make any solid commitment .l have my reasons for that though and l'm wondering if maybe you do too and so that being why you haven't been able to so far. Are there reason you can't go further with things and with her ?

Almost 4 yrs you must have met her v soon out of your marriage yeah , or ? Are you not sure about your feelings , no matter how wonderful she is , or just not game after one divorce already , or something else ?

All the best anyway .

rxx

[indigo22]

I so sorry I had to cut that last post short. I wanted to let you know just how much I do understand what you are going through. I too have been in that black hole where you just want out and I came very close about 12 years ago until my nephew made me promise not to take that path, in his words, "we have already lost enough people".

I have lost 3 members of my family to cancer, one to an accident and the only one left now is the narcissist sister. I moved a long way away a few years ago and didn't bother to tell her where I was going, it's such a relief not having to deal with her toxic energy any more. I also lost 2 of my very close friends and one of the few that are left has cancer so there is a chance I may lose another one. I am free of it now, but I have also had cancer myself. Some of us have chosen a difficult path in this life, but I believe that was because we knew we were strong enough to see it through.

I wanted to ask you if you are taking care of yourself in respect to your diet? Diet plays a big part in how we function on all levels including mental health.

There are a number of books that could be helpful for you, but I think the ones that would be most helpful at the moment are:

When The Body Says No by Gabor Mate

The Myth of Normal by Gabor Mate

Anchored by Deb Dana

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessell Van Der Kolk

In an Unspoken Voice by Peter A. Levine

They are all available on Audio, ebook and paperback depending on your preference. They may also be available through your library. They are not what you would call light reading but they are enlightening 🙂

Please let me know if there is anything else I can help you with and keep the communication coming whenever you wish, you are not alone.

indigo

[Mr K]

Positives, I've been to my GP and been given a mental health care plan. I've also been to my initial counseling session which was really grounding and helpful. However, I took a week off work to spend with my kids and during the last few days I received some emails from my boss. There really wasn't anything sinister about the emails but just looking at them brought me out in a cold sweat and got my heart rate going, I mean verging on panic attack stuff. I don't know if I should disclose the mental health issue or not but now I'm afraid it will manifest at sometime beyond my control.

[indigo22]

Hello again,

I am so glad you have got your support in place and you are finding it helpful. The situation with your boss is a delicate one. I can understand both your hesitation and your wish to be transparent. How well do you communicate with each other? Is he/she likely to be understanding? I think it would be wise to talk this through with your counsellor before making a decision.

If you have taken time off, I don't really understand why your boss feels the need to interrupt that time with emails, regardless of content. To me this seems a bit inconsiderate on his/her part.

I don't know how familiar you are with triggers so if you already know what I am about to talk about, please forgive me. We have automatic programs from our past that run, we can be totally unaware of them, and they were put in place by our past experience as a form of protection. When something happens that reminds us of a negative experience from the past, the automatic program kicks in because the mind and body says "this is how we handled this situation in the past". That automatic program may have been appropriate when we were younger, but may no longer be the appropriate response. So the trigger is the situation that is reminding us of something in the past, the body then responds with a cascade of chemicals which it believes is appropriate for the current situation and your body starts to react differently to what you would expect. Your nervous system goes into the fight, flight, or freeze mode, hence the feeling of anxiety and panic. As I said this is automatic, it is not something you have control over in the moment. Ideally, the chemical response fades and your nervous system returns to a normal state. This is something you can talk through with your counsellor. Describe what you were feeling and see if the two of you can work out what incident in the past may have been the trigger and work out what tools you need to use to resolve it. Two of the books I mentioned are about this subject, they are 'Anchored' (which is about Polyvagal Theory) and 'In An Unspoken Voice' (which is about Somatic Experiencing).

If you have questions about this, I will do my best to answer them.

I hope this is of some help to you today,

indigo