I'm finding it hard to keep going.

[Chars2004]

Hi, my pronouns are she/her. I'm 20 years old

 I'm really struggling to keep going with life and especially the how. 

In primary school I struggled a lot to regulate my emotions because of at the time- undiagnosed autism. There were also a few kids who bullied me for my differences. Anyway long story short after primary school I started to school refuse, And from 14 I never went back to an in person school,  I tried to finish high school online a few times but I always freaked out and cancelled it. Anyway I'v been depressed for a long time and have really struggled with pure o ocd and social anxiety as well. 

Tonight I felt so depressed.  It's hard too put into words but I just feel like I failed at life. I have no friends haven't for years. I barley leave my  family's  home to go out anywhere. I keep trying to find something too study so I can move forward get a job ect. But I feel like I have no passion for anything career wise. I tried to start a photography course and then realize photography was never for me anyway. So then I think about just getting a job but most unskilled ones need you to socialize  and customer service and I start panicking around people my age I don't know its so hard . So I feel stuck really stuck. Because I do want to move out and have my own space and eventually have friends and a girlfriend. And find other people to talk to who are also in the LGBTQIA+ community (I'm a lesbian). 

But it all feels so hard to just be able to do normal things like get a job. I've tried so much therapy but its not working. And just feel like  I'm a  failure and stuck. The only things besides my family that make me feel anything other then either numb or anxious is my passion for  queer  stories especially wlw stories, books shows, games etc. When i'm in a story I feel free. But I cant turn that into a job.

So I just don't know what to do.

If anyone here is/has been in a similar situation  and has any advice and/or suggestions it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you

( and sorry for the bad grammar never fully learnt it  but I'm trying to teah myself)

[Croix]

Dear Chars2004~

I'd like to give you a warm welcome here to the Forum. You do not need to have finished school to write well, your account paints a pretty good picture of your life and the problems you face.

I guess worrying about not having qualifications to get a job is natural, however after being bullied if you found out you were not cut out for scholl then going back might have done more harm than good. Study is not for everyone, and to be with a crowd that do find it ok would only lead you to think you were not as good -which is simply untrue.

I expect you will find a partner in time, you are a thoughtful person and have a lot to offer. As for occupation you enjoy wlw fiction, why not go further? There are a lot of sites that display fanfic, stories written by amateurs about characters that appear in TV shows or movies.

It has the advantage you can make them any sexual orientation you like and can get them to have any adventures you wish. If you get good enough at it you could start to turn professional.

The author of the Harry Potter series was bullied as school, had OCD and wrote adult novels (that were never published) before Harry Potter took over.

Please do not be too downhearted about academic qualifications, I'm sure you will find you niche.

We are always here if you would like to talk

Croix

P.S. I forgot to mention that there is a website - you may have seen it already - called QLIFE, which has people to talk/webchat  with and lots of resources for people in the LGBTIQA+ communities. It can make one feel less alone as well as seeing how others have handled matters.