Hi all,
I had no clue where to post this. It covers a few bases.
I'm a 50ish male; diagnosed as manic depressive 23 years ago. Been on the usual treatment rollercoaster, but managing, generally successfully, unmedicated for a number of years now.
My major episodes are pretty much always triggered by personal losses though, and just in the last few years I've lost my sole surviving parent and three friends (two to cancer and one to suicide). My best and closest friend succumbed to cancer after a long, tough battle last year, leaving me with only my partner and one close friend, who is also bipolar, and who I've known almost a decade.
I've been in a relationship for a dozen years, but my partner and I have been 'growing apart' for some time. She's retired and living out of town, while I live and work in the suburbs during the week, and drive out to her on weekends. We're really just friends that share a roof two days a week now, and, though she's a warm and caring person, she avoids anything difficult. Like ... bipolar disorder. She jokingly describes both me and my friend as 'Flakey'.
My surviving friend has had a very, very tough year. As a result she began socially isolating several months ago, and has been completely ignoring me for a month or two at a time, but, on the (very) rare occasions that she does respond, she still tells me she's pleased to hear from me.
She keeps saying "It's not just you", when I ask her not to shut me out, but I know she's still managing to function day to day, and she's found a new boyfriend during the same period she's been 'isolating'.
She told me not too long ago that she was "Done with relationships", and I'm very worried that this one isn't going to last very long, and she's going to suffer another big setback.
I care for her a great deal, but I'm also feeling very hurt that she's pushed me away while she's obviously able to socialize with relative strangers and begin new relationships. I really want to be 'there' for her, but I also wish she was 'here' for me.
I feel so much better when she's around, and she keeps telling me "you're always a laugh". Apart from the fact she's just an adorable human being, it's so good to talk to someone I don't have to explain the BP to.
I am not a 'people person'; I don't make friends easily, but when I do bond with someone I tend to go "all in", so this is all extremely difficult and painful for me.
With everything stacking up I'm feeling extremely lost and alone.
