I just don't know what to do any more

[DazedNConfused]

I'm feeling like I've exhausted all my resources and that there is nowhere to turn any more. 

I suffer from depression (fact) and anxiety (questionable, but possible). I have been to see several GPs, a psychiatrist, been through 7 different psychologists (in 3 years), seen a naturopath, a personal trainer and nutritionist. I have tried 12 different medications/combination of medications, all of which have made me significantly worse, incredibly ill, or unable to function as a mother. I have spent close to tens of thousands of dollars on these things in desperation over the last 3ish years, and as a single mum on welfare, that is a HUGE dint in my income. I justified spending the money by telling myself that you can't put a price on health. I would pay any amount of money to not feel like this. Of course, now the cash has all but dried up and the monetary side of things has added to my stresses.

I just don't know what to do. I don't know where to turn. I feel like I'm "un-helpable" and the thought of being this way forever is simply horrifying. Is there a resource I have missed? I'm now a shell of a human being. I look in the mirror and don't see anyone I recognise. I'm skin and bones. I have sores all over my face from breakouts that have scabbed up from picking because it is "my own little version of self harm", according to my current psych. They don't heal properly because my immune system is so shot (according to my current GP). I don't even know that I'm doing it. I look like a meth addict according to my ex (although I've never touched an illegal drug in my life). If I don't get better, I feel I will have to pass my daughter on to her father. She deserves more than this. I've tried to be strong for too long. I just don't know how much longer I can hang on to this existence.

[Mbuna]

Hi Dazed,

I'm sorry to see you feeling so bad. I find there is sometimes a very fine line between depression and anxiety. Most people with Depression get anxious. I have GAD but I have had chronic depression as well. Nobody is beyond help. You are a single mum on welfare so I understand that money problems are probably contributing to your worries. There is a lot that you can do that's costs nothing or very little. You say you have tried a personal trainer. Did the exercise help you at all? I find it very helpful. The theory behind exercise is that it is supposed to release endorphins in the brain and this is supposed to help. I found that it meant i got out of the house. For me it was about keeping my mind active. That way I was not sitting on my bum at home feeling sorry for myself. You don't have to spend money on a personal trainer. You just need to keep your body and mind active. You don't have to smash yourself into the ground. Go for a walk. Play with your daughter in the park. When i was at my worst, I completely disconnected from my daughters. When I finally decided that I was sick of being a tired sorry angry man, i started doing things with my kids. I had forgotten how rewarding it was. I found that when i started to eat better, I also started to feel better.You say you are all skin and bones. That tells me your diet is not good. I know its hard to eat when you are depressed but if you are not giving the body what it needs then you are on the back foot straight away.

I also get the thing with the sores. I'm not a medical professional but i would be questioning your GP on his self harm diagnosis. Depressed people tend to worry. Worried people often have a tendency to show OCD like symptoms. Picking sores is no different to kids biting lips and twirling hair. Its a habit that forms. I was a sore picker as well. It had nothing to do with self harm. It was just a bad habit I picked up because i was worried all the time. I did not realized I was doing it either. I am also a nail biter and at one stage I had a small bald spot on the top of my head where i had picked at it so much. The sore picking was not an easy habit to break. I found that putting moisturizer on the sores helped. For some reason it stopped me picking them. I think the fact that i was identifying each sore and putting stuff on it made me more aware that they were there. Maybe your could try that. I also found the age old trick of putting a rubber band around my wrist helped. I would flick at the band and it kept the fingers away from my face.

I know what its like to feel like sh*t all the time. It really gets you down. You are right when you say that your daughter deserves better but so so you. I don't have a magic solution and it sounds like a number of other professionals have not been that helpful for you either. When you get yourself into that hole its really hard to drag yourself out of it. Telling someone with depression to snap out of it is like telling someone with no hands to get a grip. Start with your health and appearance. Concentrate on eating decent meals and trying to beat the sore picking habit. Try to get out more and spend some quality time with your daughter (i know its not easy). When you eat you will feel better. When you are active you tend to sleep better. When the sores start to disappear you will also look better. None of this stuff costs money. Once you can get your body and mind in a bit better shape, then you may want to give the counselors another go. A lot of services can be obtained for nothing via bulk billing. Therapists are OK if you are in a frame of mind where you want to listen to them. If going to see a therapist becomes another chore then you are less likely to get anything from it. The worst thing you can do is just give up. Start with small steps. Forget about what has not worked in the past. Draw a line in the sand and work from there. I know this all sounds great in theory and I know in the real world its not always that easy. What we have is a mental illness and more often than not it requires a mental approach. If you can develop a positive frame of mind, then you are well on your way to getting better.

[DazedNConfused]

Thank you for taking the time to respond, Mbuna. 

I understand what you're saying about anxiety and depression going hand-in-hand, however I question that particular diagnosis because... actually I really don't know why I question it. I just do.

I don't have any particular triggers and my symptoms last all day, every day, and even when I'm not "feeling" anxious. I don't deny the fact that I have depression at all. That's a given really considering my circumstances.

I did have a personal trainer for a year. I started because I knew about the whole endorphins thing supposedly making you feel better and due to my depression felt that I needed that little bit of a push because if I didn't have to keep appointments because I had paid up front, my depression would keep me at home in bed. I had it all planned out.

However, I hated every second of it. Not because I particularly hated the exercise (I've been sporty my whole life), but because I would always spend the whole session fighting intense nausea and fatigue - Even before I walked in the door.

Some days I would be so bad that my trainer would just take me for a walk around the block of the gym - Not strenuous by any stretch of the imagination, but I would still have to sit in the car for half an hour afterwards waiting for the trembling to stop and trying to talk myself out of passing out (Not that I think I would have, it just felt like it). It was horrible, and after sticking it out for a year, hoping it was going to get better or at least make a little bit of a difference, I gave it up.

To this day I still can't even drive past the gym without feeling an intense wave of nausea (Writing that, I realise there is an air of anxiety right there...)

Nutrition wise, my diet is far from great. I was seeing a nutritionist whilst going to the gym, but I could only manage to keep down one small meal a day. Anything else I tried to force down came straight back up again. I eat better now (as in, none of my food comes back up again), but I have no interest in food. Never hungry, and often forget to eat (That's the depression) 😕

As for my daughter, I am so far disconnected from her, it's not even funny. We still do things together, but we don't have the relationship I had always wanted with my child. I didn't bond with her when she was a baby due to post natal depression and an abusive relationship with her father, and now she has behavioural issues that frankly, I can't handle.

Whenever we start something it always ends up with me wanting to be as far away from her as possible. Don't get me wrong, I love her to bits, but I just really struggle with her. She's with me 24/6 and I beat myself up all the time because I can't be the mother she needs, or the mother I want to be - Not right now anyway. 

When my psych said I was "self harming" by picking my sores, I don't think she meant "OMG, this is a terrible thing and you must stop immediately". I think she meant it more in the sense that it's somewhat of a way to feel pain other than emotionally. I do the same thing with bruises. If I have one I will poke it, just because it hurts. No other reason.

I don't think I'll seek out another psychologist at this stage. After being through 7 already, each time I start with a new one it's like starting everything all over again. Like taking 10 steps backwards only to find out after another couple of sessions that they were not right for you anyway. It get's sooooooooo frustrating. If I had a dollar for every time I had to tell my story in the last 3 years (including psychs, doctors, cops, nurses, the works), I would be a rich woman, and we quite possibly wouldn't be having this conversation lol.

[Neil_1]

Hi Dazed  

It’s awful to hear how you’re travelling and for all the attempts to try and make things right that you’ve done over the years.  It is an exhaustive experience and even more so when at the end of it, you find that little has changed.  

Wow, you received such a brilliant post from Mbuna, with lots of good suggestions and advice.  This is the great thing about this site … getting on here with like-minded people, who have been through hell and for the most part, are still living in this hell.  

The other thing to take into consideration (especially at this time of year – due to the heat) is to make sure you try and take in lots of water each day.  Our bodies are so reliant on water and it’s amazing how better you feel when you are adequately hydrated … it also helps out with your skin massively as well.  I do know that a lot of people find it difficult to drink water … suggestion here is to either add perhaps some lemon or lime into it OR to get alternative water … you know the sparkly bubbly style of water (personally I can’t drink that, but hey, each to their own).  

You’ve also mentioned about a resource that you may have missed.  How about from this website, there’s a spot where you can go to, to check out practitioners who operate in your local area.  These people would be fully equipped to help anyone with our illness and at the same time, you may be able to run past them the different medications that you’ve had over the years.  They may be able to suggest something different for you?  

I hope that something that either myself or Mbuna has mentioned may have produced a spark for you or a trigger that you might just be able to take on.  We are thinking of you and also of your daughter as well.  I personally think that you need each other and that also is a strong reason for doing all that you can to try and make a little positive progress.  And that’s all we’re after … just small signs of positive.  

Baby steps …  

Cheers, and please keep us posted with how you’re going  

Neil