I have fallen again

[SpectreOfMe]

Hi, this is actually my 1st post on a forum like this before so i'll try my best to get my message across.

I have had depression for many years now (was diagnosed at 18 am now 29) i was only on anti-depressants for the 1st year then figured i could manage on my own. i have had my ups and downs as anyone does but the past few weeks i have been having these ups and downs multiple times a day instead of every now and then.

in the past i was really depressed, approximately 7 years after i was diagnosed, i didn't leave my room, i barely even showered, i lost all my friends cause i was not putting in any effort to do anything.

about six months ago i finally got away from the place i was living and now live alone in a unit, i have not been happier in a long time, i started seeing a GP again after 10 years and got referred to a psychologist, which i see the 1st time this friday coming. i don't work cause i can't get hired (never had a job so no experience), i have no money to do anything but pay rent,bills and get food. i'm also still a virgin which gets me down at times (try not to think about it).

Now the past few weeks i have had no energy, i seem to be sleeping in where i never did before, i cry at least daily and i don't even know why sometimes, yes, i'm lonely but i was for 10 years and didn't really care then. i just feel like i am going back to that dark place i was in for so long, i'm scared that i will not ever be happy and get frustrated all the time bout constantly struggling everyday. i tell my sister and the few friends i managed to reconnect with that i'm fine but 1 of them knows i'm not and that i hate lying to my sister about it, i just don't feel comfortable discussing that stuff with her. i hope the psychologist can help me to vent a little cause i have been told that i tend to bottle things up, and i am willing to go on meds again if they help me (my old meds made me like a robot)

 i'm not sure what i am saying really, so confused about everything. feels like i'm playing mind games with myself everyday and my mind is really good at the game and keeps beating me.

just a rough few weeks and felt i had to do something and so here i am, with all you fine people. and i hope that better days will come eventually

Sean

[Mares73]

Dear Sean can I first say welcome to the forums & most importantly a huge thank you for opening up & sharing your deepest feelings which you can be assured will be sensitively responded to & you can trust in the knowledge you are not alone & others will share similar stories. Sean I'm really pleased you are open to taking medication-there are so many new types with lower side effects & it may help if you can see yourself as someone suffering from an illness just as others like diabetics-and medication is one part of your treatment plan. There is a list of GPs on this website who specialize in treating depression so that option is open to you.  You are experiencing a very difficult time & depression is as I'm sure you know such a debilitating illness. However you have found the courage & strength to reach out & that places you on the path to treatment & improved recovery. I hope you are able to see a GP ASAP to trial some medication & in the meantime this forum is a wonderful support so write as often as you need. Others will always respond.  And don't forget the 24th Beyond Blue phone counseling service which is fully staffed by mental health professionals.  Best wishes & I hope to hear how you are traveling when you feel ready & news about medication.  Kindest wishes X Mares

[geoff]

dear Sean, welcome to the site, and wish you all the best, and I'm not saying that to end the reply at all.

I too live in a flat now but was in a house before but I downsized, but all this time I lived by myself and only had my puppies.

I felt that it was a great relief to do anything when I wanted to, didn't have to answer to anyone, so I know how you feel.

Can I say this and I have always said it, that people, believe that they can actually stop their medication because they are feeling much better, but this is only because of the medication they are taking, and once they stop then their bumpy ride begins again and eventually they fall back into depression.

Can I suggest that you go back to your GP and either start the same antidepressants again or they may offer you another type.

They will only begin you on a low dose to begin with and then slowly increase.

I can see a real underlying problem here which you maybe a bit shy talking about, but this site is anonymous, no one knows who the other person is or where we live, sure you can see photos that some of us display, but that's it, so in other words none of us know who you are and this site is a trusted site.

As you are now 29 you have two problems that you are worrying about, but perhaps the main one is that you are still a virgin, then so be it, there are many bachelors around, and I know a couple of men in the country town where I live, well it's becoming more than that as it growing like crazy, who are married but never consummated it and are quite open about it, where their wife lives in another room, so I don't think it is called being married, I maybe wrong.

The other concern you have is that your not working, so I'll like to know what your interests are or your hobbies.

Please let us know how your appointment goes, and please consider seeing your GP once again. Geoff.

[SpectreOfMe]

Hi Geoff

Thanks for been cool about me not having a clue what i'm doing 🙂

Ok, my intersets and hobbies, I like to write fictional stories, generally fantasy ones and the occasional zombie story as i have an irrational fear of zombies (used to have frequent nightmares) i tend to play alot of video games but only casue i get no tv channels, honestly i resent video games as i spent ten years locked away playing them.

My appointment really opened my eyes to some things, i admit i got pretty emotional there, only when the subject of my mother came up. She left and moved to the US when i was thirteen and i never really dealt with all the feelings of abandonment and feeling like i was to blame and alot of stuff really.

Also discovered that i have very low self esteem (who would of guessed lol) and also very likely to have clinical depression as i have alot of the symptoms for it.

Basically the meeting just confirmed that i am just as much of a mess as i thought, at least now i have some idea of what is wrong and can begin taking steps towards getting better.

thanks Sean

[geoff]

dear Sean, I really appreciate your reply, because sometimes a lot of people do reply to posts but we can't get involved because there's no response, but that's their choice and we can't do anything about it.

At last you have a diagnosis or at least problems to tackle, and I'm not going to get personal in regard to the other problem, as I will only reply when you mention it. Geoff.

[depressed]

Sean

I think it is understandable your thoughts and feelings, but you must remember its not how many times you fall, its how many times you get up again. Depression is just like tripping up sometimes it just happens and you can not prevent it. Just remember everyone is here to chat if you need it or even just vent. sometimes we need to know someone is listening. we may not get back to you immediately but we will soon.

De