I hate myself and the life I have

[Unhappy Mom]

I know most people won’t understand this because I have a lot to be grateful about but I hate my life so much.

Ive always suffered from depression (I only realised this in my early 20’s) and have been on anti depressants for most of my life. I have two kids and a husband but I hate everything about my life.

I’m overweight, not obese but fat enough that I haven’t been to the beach once with my kids cause my body is awful. My husband takes them and they build amazing memories together and I sit at home and cry. I don’t see my friends anymore cause I’m embarrassed about how I look (they all tell me it doesn’t matter to them but it’s such a lie because they all gym and diet and care about how they look cause their looks are important so how can they tell me not to care about how I look?). None of my friends are fat.

I haven’t bought myself any new clothes in about 5 years because nothing looks nice on me and everything feels tight. I also never have money so I find it difficult to spend money on clothes that just make me feel awful about myself. I will go

to the shops and spend the day there and never find anything for myself.

I have two kids and a husband and they bring me absolutely no joy. They are all wonderful and love spending time together but I find spending time with them so boring and I get angry and scream often. I’m so disappointed in the mother and wife I am, I’m horrible and I know it and so do they. knowing my kids have me as a mom makes me sad cause I say very hurtful things.

I have worked in numerous jobs and failed at all of them. I’m not good at anything I do and it’s really embarrassing cause I know it and so does everyone else. I am bad at work, bad at sport, bad at sticking to diets, bad at being spontaneous and care free ect ect.

I hate myself so much you have no idea, I sleep most of the day away and only leave my house once every few weeks cause I’m so embarrassed of the failure I am. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi Unhappy Mom
We’re so sorry to hear how upset you are, and how it’s been affecting you. It’s so good that you had the bravery, openness and proactiveness to share this here. You’re not alone in the way you’re feeling, and this is a really safe space to talk things through.

We’d really recommend reaching out to the Beyond Blue counsellors to talk this through on 1300 22 4636, or via webchat here. They’re really good to talk things through with, and they’ll be able to discuss getting some further support.

We’d also really recommend reaching out to Parentline on 13 22 89 (from 8am – midnight AEDT every day). They offer confidential and anonymous counselling and support on parenting issues. Their lovely counsellors can help you work through your challenges by talking openly and honestly about your thoughts, feelings and experiences, and they’ll be able to help you if depression might be part of what you’re feeling. 
some other great resources could be; Home | Family Relationships Online or Relationships Australia | Achieving positive and respectful relationships

Thanks again for posting here. We think it’s an incredible thing to have done and could be a huge step towards feeling better. Hopefully we’ll hear from some of our lovely, understanding community members at some point today once they spot your thread. In the meantime, please feel free to share a bit more about how you’re feeling.

Kind regards,
Sophie M

[therising]

Hi Unhappy Mom

I feel so deeply for you, especially while being able to relate to some of what you say. Self hatred can be such a painful and deeply depressing experience. And the inner dialogue that comes with the weight factor can be brutal, especially after a shower while standing in front of the bathroom mirror. 'What the hell happened to you?' is the least of a lot of that upsetting dialogue. With the old angel on one shoulder, devil on the other, the devilish dialogue tends to override the divine side that sounds more like 'You are beautiful. You are incredible. That body you hate so much grew 2 human beings. That is a miracle. Your body is an amazing producer of life'. Can be so easy to tune into the wrong shoulder more times than not. Btw, my babies are 17 and 20 years old now.

While it sounds strange, I'm grateful for short periods in depression. Long term depression is just so incredibly brutal, something I felt from my late teens through 'til I was 35. With long term, there's just no break with which to make sense of things and see things from a different perspective. Long term depression's also incredibly exhausting to the point where it wears you down so much. Never thought about it 'til now but imagine someone following us around throughout all our waking hours, for years, just saying sh** to us and about us, telling us how hopeless we are and why we should hate ourselves. Would definitely get exhausting, enraging, depressing etc.

At 52, I've come to see depression as being about 3 factors which can all being happening at once. While it can relate to the mind (inner dialogue, the old belief systems we hold onto that continue to do damage, the skills we were never given in managing certain mental processing etc), it can also involve physical factors. Chemistry's a biggy. What I'm not feeling right now is the positive chemical processes that come with the chemistry involved in good sleep, the right foods, a lot of kinetic energy (aka exercise/heating up), the effects of hydro power (plenty of water) etc. Was doing well up until the last few days and it all went out the window. Really hard to keep all that stuff up on your own. Takes a lot of self discipline and a lot of positive encouraging inner dialogue. A lot of trial and error too before we find what's much easier to manage, as opposed to trying to manage what's destined to fail (what's too hard).

The last area is more about a soulful sense of life. I think, while we can be grateful for the people around us, the lack of inspiration from them at times can be depressing. It can be basic inspiration but just not enough to really feel at some soulful level. It may not be enough to raise us out of where we are. If we're someone who's a real feeler, someone who's really sensitive to what we feel (from feeling our inner dialogue to feeling the lack of energy regarding our chemistry), we're also going to feel huge amounts of inspiration when it's there. If there's not enough we'll feel that too.

Not sure if it will help but these days I try so hard to not give all my attention to depressing feelings, inner dialogue and my weight. Yep, easier said than done. I try to focus solely on creating enough energy to the point where I can feel it. With more energy, our cells vibrate faster at higher frequencies (according to quantum physicists). Getting all the cells in our body vibrating at a significantly higher frequency is to 'feel the vibe' (the effects of a higher volume of vibration). Can take some days to really get it going. The side effects can change inner dialogue, perspective, chemical processes etc. On a soulful level, we're born to feel what 'fully alive' feels like. Feeling the opposite of that can be so incredibly depressing.