I feel that I've wasted my life

[ann_s]

Hi All,

I do not know what my official diagnosis is but I suspect depression of some kind and maybe anxiety. I can get out of bed (just) but at the moment all I want to do is lay on the couch and watch TV. EVERYTHING seems to take a huge amount of effort. I used to love playing computer games but at the moment they seem to require far too much effort. I believe I've suffered from depression for most of my life with multiple depressive episodes, however this time, something that I previously used as distraction (uni studies) now became incredibly difficult. It's like my brain is just refusing to work. My memory is also becoming very bad and I'm even worse than usual at making decisions.

Three weeks ago I decided I had had enough and this wasn't normal and talked to my GP, I started crying as soon as I sat down, she immediately gave me a prescription for

antidepressants. The first week I had some scary side effects - waking up with a racing heart in particular but that has now reduced significantly and I'm now mostly getting muscle tics. I saw my GP today and she reckons I should be feeling better by now but everything else I've read says it is more likely 4-6 weeks before things improve.

I took time off work last week because I'm casual and I feel bad being here and being paid for sitting around doing nothing. I have told my team leader what is going on because I'd rather he know then just think I'm being lazy. Thankfully he has been really supportive.

Basically I believe what causes me to feel like this most of the time, especially now, is that I feel that I've wasted my life. I have had a number of people say to me that I should be doing more because I'm intelligent, and the frustrating thing is that I know I CAN do more with my life. I've had opportunities, new jobs, ideas etc on things I could do to improve my life but just can't be bothered pursuing them. Once upon a time even when I felt depressed I at least had the motivation to go after things that I thought would make life better. For example there's my dream job advertised recently but I can't even be bothered applying. I think maybe I've got to the point where I've given up. That if I chase these things, they will be just something else that I get bored of so why bother at all? I'm also not sure if chasing new things and ideas are necessarily helping or just temporarily making things better.

So my questions are - did anyone else notice that in the past they were able to find distractions to make themselves feel better but then it was almost like all of a sudden their brain stopped working and couldn't even do simple things? I struggled just to put some words together to send a text message to my mother this morning. I don't feel suicidal, I mainly feel overwhelmed and have a severe lack of motivation.

Also, is just under three weeks too early for medication to be working? I will definitely hang in there, just a bit uncertain about whether my GP has given me accurate information. I'm booked in for a psychologist on 5th June which is in a couple of weeks so hoping things will improve once I can talk to someone.

Thanks for listening.

[JessF]

Hello ann, in my experience medication can be a very useful tool from the toolbox for getting out of depression but there are many different types so it can be hit and miss, different ones work differently for different people, plus in my own experience I have found talking to someone has actually been the greatest help over the long term, so it is good to hear you have booked in to see a psych.

Depression can seem like it comes out of nowhere, but often when we have time to sit and think as you have done, we recognise that it can be triggered by life or behaviour changes that we need to make but for various reaosns have not been able to, sometimes because we don't realise they are a problem.  For example, your thoughts above that you've wasted your life - who's expectations are you judging that by?  It sounds like that while you are disappointed with your own motivation currently that there are also a lot of judgments from others being hurled your way and no one else has a right to judge as to whether our lives are being 'wasted'.

You could veryw ell be feeling burnt out at the moment.  Uni studies may have been a good distraction up until now, but study is hard work.  What do you do for leisure? Do you spend time with friends at all, exercise, go to the movies, anything like that? Exhaustion and isolation are the two words that come to mind when I read your story, and this latest episode of depression could be your brain's way of telling you that you need to slow down a little. What do yout hinjk?

[ann_s]

Thanks for the reply Jess! Yes, talking to someone will be excellent. Mainly because I want to know what is actually going on and get some sort of explanation. 

No one has told me I'm wasting my life just to think about what I want to do in the future. Others have told me just to stick with whatever job etc. I'm doing now because in the "olden days" that's just what people did as there weren't any choices or opportunities.

I decided a few weeks ago to exit early from Uni with a Grad Dip instead of full Masters which is the right decision, even though this made me feel disappointed with myself for not continuing.

I have been trying to keep in contact with friends on a weekly basis and for the past week I was in Sydney visiting my Aunt which forced me to act "normal" and get out of the house (since she doesn't know what is going on). 

You are almost correct with the isolation, but it's more because I feel quite distant from other people, even my husband. It's like no one really "knows" me if that makes sense?

At the moment leisure time involves curling up on the couch watching TV shows and movies. It feels safe and non-stressful. This probably isn't the best way of dealing with things but in the past I've come out of the other side eventually. 

Exhaustion is possible. I was living away from home and my husband/friends for two years in two different states in two different jobs. During that time both my cats died. They had been with me my entire adult life, and at times my only companions. Now I'm back home and so glad to be back but don't know what to do next. Just waiting for that day when the cloud lifts and I can catch up on all the things I haven't been able to do.

[JessF]

I do find it funny when people talk about the "olden days", because we don't live in them, we live now!  Thinking about what you would like to do is always a good thing, but I think rather than framing it in terms of 'the future' to bring it back to what excites you, what fits with your values as a person.  You never know, in ten years time you may change your mind completely and want to go in another direction, and this is absolutely fine.  The idea of 'locking in' a job or even a career is a thing of the past these days, and I think that much misery comes from people feeling trapped by decisions like this and thinking that change isn't possible when it is.

[ann_s]

Hi Jess - completely understand what you are saying. I did stay in one of my earlier jobs for nearly 10 years but last few jobs were 1 year, then 1 year and now I'm back in my old job again for the past 6 months and sick of it again already. Sometimes I wonder if I need more stability, except stability is normally boring (gets a bit confusing). 

I toyed with the idea of doing something completely different but what is stopping me is that in the past, something new has been great to start with, but then it gets boring again very quickly. One day there won't be anything left to try! That might not be a reason in itself to stop trying I guess... sigh. 

Perhaps now is the wrong time to make any decisions until I've spoken with the psychologist and have at least some idea of what my head is doing.

[JessF]

You're right, nothing has to be rushed. I think you'll find being in the psychologists rooms will be a big help, when i first started going the hour would go nowhere, there'd be so much to talk about. But it felt so good to start being able to organise my chicken noodle soup of a brain into some sort of order and figure out what i really wanted in life.