I feel so alone

[Zoegirl]

Hi there.

I feel silly as I should be so blissfully happy, but feel so incredibly sad and alone.  We have been travelling around Oz for the last year and found a lovely place on the NSW south coast that we have fallen in love with.  We have bought a block of land and I have been very lucky to find work in a job that I enjoy, but I just feel so sad and alone.  My husband is 16 years older than me and we have been married for over 10 years and I love him, but I am starting to feel like the age gap is making a difference now. He suffers from depression and I was on medication for for depression a couple of years ago, but managed to wean myself off.  I yearn for a female friend that I can just, well be friends with, if that makes sense?  I love my dogs and love walking them and just would like to be friends with someone who has the same interests as me.  I do not have children by choice and am happy with that.  I was sexually abused as a child and never felt the need to breed as I would hate anyone to got through what I went through.  

I know that I sound like I am rambling, but I just feel so alone.

[geoff]

dear Zoe, has your husband suffered from depression for the same reason as he may be thinking about this age gap as well, unfortunately this could be an issue as time progresses, but it's never a thought when you fall in love with someone.

You must be a strong person to have weaned yourself off medication, however it seems to be creeping back for you.

There are a few places to try and find some platonic females, one is facebook, and there are places free or paid for internet companionship, so I would just google friendship sites or something like that, where you mention a listed code name, which is a user name, your age and fill out a brief explanation of who you are and what you want, within your city or town. Just make sure that they are safe sites and some of these are advertised on TV. You can pay a fee for quicker connections to people but that's up to you whether you want to do this or not.

Another option is to join a dog club and this could be a club with the same breed as you have, there are people who take so much pride in their dogs, and I am one of them. I'm sure that this would delight you so much, and remember there would be so many other ladies wanting the same friendship, so just poke around at these suggestions. L Geoff. x

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

Of course wanting a friend makes sense.  Yes, there are many places they can be got.  I don't think you need to go as far as *paying* for the privilege.  There's a site called Meetup which is quite good.  It is group-based, so you go to meet up with a group of people who have never met each other, which I think is more inviting and safe than one-on-one meetups with people from the internet.

Does your husband have friends (if not, he should get some, too)?  You could make friends with his friends.  Or if none of them are female, their wives.

Your reason for not having children is pretty morbid!  I don't think sexual abuse is a requirement of being alive!  I've never been sexually abused, and I know many other people who I know for certain haven't.  I also know some people who have, and they have NOT tended to express the idea that, because of being abused, they would rather they hadn't been born at all.  And I hope you don't harbour this idea about yourself, either.  So I imagine that if - heaven forbid - your child was abused, they would probably consider it a better fate than not being born.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't want kids either.  But I think your reason seems illogical.

[HighlandGirl]

Seek help!  It's not shameful to be on medication for depressive illnesses.  Did you get your diagnosis from a GP or a psychiatrist?  In my experience, I was mis-diagnosed with depression (by a psychiatrist) almost 20 yrs ago and have been treated ever since with medication, psychotherapy and regular check-ups.  I've had a number of medication changes in those years.  I have now seen a new psychiatrist who has re-assessed my history and I have bipolar disorder.  My illness fluctuates and so many people with depressive illnesses have the same experience.  I can be "well" for up to six months at a time until I slide back down and can stay in the cycle of ups and downs for six months or more. 

I would also like a female friend or two just to hang out with.  I've got a lot of interests and when I'm having a good day I'd like to socialize with others who share them.  I should have a really good life: I've got a place to live, family nearby, dogs for company, a horse which I adore, and just enough money to manage because I'm on the disability pension for now.  I always thought when I got a horse I'd be riding all the time, and yet when my anxiety or fatigue is bad, I just can't get the motivation to do it.  I often cancel plans too because of my symptoms...which means I'm unreliable for doctor appointments, socializing, work commitments etc. 

All I can suggest is that you seek help from a medical practitioner...as your symptoms need to be managed again.  If that means medication, either short or long term, then seriously consider it as long as the side effects are minimal or manageable. 

[Zoegirl]

Thank you for replying.  The suggestions that you all gave are great, particularly the meetup.  I don't have a facebook account, but tend to use my husbands to see what's happening.  

Rodentron, thanks for your thoughts.  I guess you might be right when you say my reason for not wanting children might be "morbid".  Sexual abuse is a horrible thing.  Perhaps I didn't articulate myself properly.  When I was abused the use of fear and retribution was strong, so perhaps that might make my statement somewhat clearer.  Also the fact that last year I had a hysterectomy after finding out I had been suffering from endometriosis since I started menstruating would have made having children virtually impossible.  At age 42, I still do not feel like I have missed out by not having children, so I guess that is a good thing.

i was diagnosed with depression in 2003 and was on antidepressants up until 2009.  I had a great gp at the time of diagnosis and saw a psychiatrist who was helpful.  The comment was made at the time that depression will probably come and go over the rest of my life which I believe to be true.  I so do not want to go back on the meds, but will see how I go.

My husbands depression came on after his brother was killed in a motorbike accident and we made the decision to move back interstate to care for his parents who did not handle his brothers death well.  We left behind successful careers and he basically hit the wall one we were finally settled.  I think being "the rock" for everyone finally was his undoing.

It seems that everyone has their own story.  I know what I have to do, I've just got to get started.

[DebA]

I know what you mean about feeling alone.  I could be sitting in a room full of people and still feel completely and utterly alone.

If I could have any condition/disease in the world...I wouldn't pick this one.

It makes no sense at all.

I commend your decision to not have children as it was the right choice for you.

I too am a sexual abuse survivor as well as all the other abuse that goes along with it.  I followed the traditional path and married and had kids.  I am blessed with two gorgeous girls but sadly am divorced now.  And yes I am weary and sometimes over protective of my kids but my knowledge and experience has helped to protect them from what I can.

We all just do the best we can.

xx

[Tina_B]

Hello it's not nice feeling lonely is it,if you say you have gone off tablets maybe you need them again you might start to feel a bit better,its hard making new friends as you cant just drag some one home with you ,you can put a sign up for a coffee morning on the board out side woolies or Coles for a coffee morning etc at your local cafe .my daughter did this in Canberra and you would be surprised how many lonely mums were out there some with babys some with dogs ,so even if you put down a dog group ,you can try.good luck.