I feel like no one understands

[Leleina]

Hi... today is an exceptionally blue day. My husband triggered my depression this morning by criticising my priorities. I get it, I made a mistake and I feel so wrong. Then it just started hurting all morning. I became a monster to myself. I don't know. I feel like no one understands and I am supposed to voice how I feel but I rather not. And I know, it is all eating me up inside, and I tell myself it's ok it's ok of course it's not but what can anyone do about it. Is it a case of a hurt ego from being told off? Letting the masks fall is making me feel so vulnerable, I rather not feel. 

[therising]

Hi Leleina

I've found just as certain triggers will suddenly trigger parts in me I can struggle with, certain positive conscious triggers will trigger aspects of myself that I can better work with. Might sound a bit strange but if you imagine you can trigger certain parts to come to the forefront, you could practice through meditation, which is simply one way to do it. You might pick an ideal time of the day in an ideal setting, for a start. For me, my best time is around 4 or 5 in the morning. I sit in the back yard where it's incredibly quite and calm with nothing to distract me. Entering into the process of relaxing isn't always easy. While the inner critic can be dictating 'Nothing you do is going to make a difference. This meditation business is rubbish', the challenge is to shut it up. 'Shut up!' is straight to the point. If a visual meditation, through the imagination helps, so be it. For example, as you breathe your way into a more relaxed state, maybe you can imagine yourself entering through a gate, preceding a path through a forest. On your way to a little cottage, you notice so many beautiful things, along with all their colours. Eventually you reach the cottage and open the door and what you see to be your sage welcomes you. Now, you sit and ask a question, such as 'What am I struggling with the most?'. How you interpret what you see or hear is key. The sage might simply be pointing to all the clocks in the room which could mean you have an issue with time or maybe the words that come to mind are 'You're not managing your time in ways that will serve you best'. Thank the sage in you and travel back the way you came and through the gate. So, the gate is like a gateway to meeting with the inner sage in you. There are a lot of guided meditations out there to practice through.

It's kinda like the more often you practice meeting with this part of you, whether it be through meditation or something else, the stronger it gets. Then it starts to pop in throughout the day, quite unexpected. Btw, daydreamers tend to find meditation easier and they can get into their imagination (through that gateway) at the drop of a hat. So, if you're a bit of a daydreamer you're off to a good start.

I've found sometimes it's a bit of a colaboration: While the sage in me may have the answers, such as 'You're mismanaging time', it's the analyst in me that helps analyse the best use of time and the dictator in me who makes sure I stick to the plan.

Personally, I've found an enlightening book to be 'Insanely Gifted - Turn Your Demons Into Creative Rocket Fuel' by Jamie Catto. He speaks of how to work with so many different facets that make up who we are, how those facets may have come to life and how to manage them on occasion (both the good and not so good).

[Leleina]

December 2023 

Thought: I feel awfully poor at intimacy and communication and all that; Feeling: anxiety, feeling down and depressed ( again? perhaps she never left... ) Doing: re-read all the posts from last year, feeling so grateful for them ... I wrote quite a bit about my husband and we recently had one of those amazing intimacy chat/discussion which feels wonderful until it doesn't ...

until it doesn't ... and then having to gather myself together again to carry on ... 

Oh, i wish ... all these triggers and not-knowing-what-to-do, poor communication blocks ... can just like magically disappear ... he said to me, he wants me to love myself ... tells me how i am central to everyone's lives at home ( and this directly contradicts what my D-mind tells me, and i KNOW that; yet i don't know why i still like i can't even believe it?! I've been reading on somatic regulation and breathe-work, i do try to work at the triggers and some days it feels painfully like a losing battle... 

[therising]

Hi Leleina

It's definitely tough at times, hey, the business of self love. Some days it's like 'I have absolutely zero idea when it comes to how to manage it'. Other days you can feel a bit of a tiny vibe going on but maybe not enough to make a difference or not enough to be able to say 'I CAN FEEL IT AND I FEEL AN ABSOLUTE HIGH!'.

Was chatting with my mum today about how hard it can be at times to channel the visionary in me. I think sometimes it can come down to needing others to lead us to see what we just can't see at times. Kind of like 'I can't see exactly how to love myself' and someone says 'How 'bout this way...'. Then you get a feel for whether that (which you're led to see through your imagination) could be what self love feels like. Someone could say to me...

• 'Buy yourself some flowers'. That'd be nice but, nup, just not feeling it
• 'Take yourself to get a massage'. Hmm, while that might work if I'm already feeling good about myself, in the case of me feeling really down, I just can't feel self love in that in the ways I need to
• 'How 'bout I take you to a luxury resort in Fiji, have people serve you constantly for 2 weeks there, while you absorb calming environmental factors for the senses to feed off, while also indulging in some truly mind blowing emotional eating. My question to you is 'Do you love yourself enough to let me take you there and have that experience?''. Parts of me would suddenly come to life with 'When do we go, for this soulful experience of self love?' I'd also want to know whether I can financially afford to love myself this way at least twice a year. Could I afford not to, if this is what brings me to life?

I say give me a leader, baby. Give me someone with a vision that makes my heart and soul sing. Give me someone who can lead me to know what self love really feels like in ways that just blow my mind. I think sometimes we need someone who helps us re-member our self, helping us put our self back together. If the whole of who we once were involved a combo of the adventurer in us, the wonderer who wonders about all possibilities, the feeler of excitement or the excitement seeker in us, some soulful element that we feel joy through and so on, remembering our self becomes one of the most important processes we can enter into.

❤️

[Leleina]

Hi therising, your words move me... 'remembering our self becomes one of the most important processes we can enter into...' speak to me and I'm going to have to think / meditate on this into the new year ... i like the idea of soul food - music, nourishment ... adventure, laughter ... and lately it feels as if that deeper connection and intimacy is right there waiting for me and yet, elude me because of this bodily numbness at times unable to respond... and part of ( i think ) protecting myself and moving forward is letting go of my very toxic parents and upbringing, unlearning negative learned behaviours, which are all very painful to 'see' where you spoke of, 'needing others to lead us to see what we just can't see at times' -- and he pointed out how i violate boundaries as i accept those uglier parts of myself however hard ... in such times, healing and recovery feels like a long long road ahead though i am grateful i'd like to think to have taken a couple more steps towards the business of self-love, giving myself permission to sleep ( for e.g. ) to have space ... to be still ( and not fear ) ... to reward myself ( in addition to thinking of everyone else at the same time ) ... kind of like re-learning the meaning of living ... ❤️

[therising]

Hi Leleina

I think 'coming to life' is about gradually waking up or being woken up by others who wish for us to come to life. While I wonder (in this very moment) how I came to be so asleep in many ways, what suddenly comes to mind is the word 'sedation'. I imagine most of us began with so much life and energy in us: With a wild imagination, that imagination was maybe sedated or tamed in ways by others (perhaps too much). With so much energy and excitement, that energy and excitement was maybe sedated or calmed down by others (perhaps too much). With an inspiring sense of wonder, that incredible sense of wonder was maybe sedated or suppressed by others (perhaps too much). With the incredible ability to feel everything, this ability was maybe sedated or overridden by others (perhaps too much). I could go on but I think we'd be here all day. Our imagination, energy, excitement, sense of wonder, feelings etc may not have been brought to life more, in really constructive and liberating ways, they may have more so been put to sleep by others (perhaps too much). We may not have been taught how to use our natural tools, skills, abilities etc, the things we came here to life with. As we walk life's path with all those trusty things in our backpack, you could say we've been carrying with us everything we've ever needed yet have fallen asleep to the fact they're there. I think waking up is about opening that backpack and asking 'How do I use this?'. Take imagination, for example. 'How do I use this thing called imagination? What is it capable of and how can it best serve me? Also, how can I learn to use it reliably and with confidence?'.

Lelelina, there are days where I'm convinced my imagination's broken, where it just doesn't seem to want to work. It just doesn't allow me to see the difference I really need. In truth, I know I'm not broken, I just don't know how to use my imagination under seriously testing conditions. I imagine, with a Google search, someone out there knows 'how to use a soulful sense of imagination under depressing conditions'. I bet there's an art to it that requires some practice. Shall see. If you're up for a bit of research yourself, I'm interested in knowing what you find. 🙂

[Leleina]

Hi therising, I am re-reading this very profound post again and it is September 2024 ... therising, you are so right in saying that this incredible ability could have been over time sedated and overridden, maybe both.. I am right now feeling this so much and am grateful that I am only now slowly and barely awakening at times, still half-sedated kind of ... and then, I enrolled into an art school (at 45!) and I am slowly feeling like I am re-gaining, perhaps building/re-building some sense of self, saying to my inner child, you are not broken.... and at times, this journey feels difficult on some foggier days ... and right now as I am thinking on this, and of your profoundly meaningful words, I write.. i sense that the art is ... as you say... an imagination rekindled... when my hand reaches for the brush ... 

[therising]

Hi Leleina

I'm so glad to hear there are parts of you coming to life again in ways you can truly feel, ways that are so meaningful. Waking abilities and old facets of our self is definitely a gradual process and definitely not always easy. It's interesting how, when this happens, new parts of us can also come to life at the same time.

When our inner dialogue begins to change in little ways and something in us may say 'It's time to pick up a brush' or 'You need to go to the art store to buy new tools to aid your ability/gift/form of self expression', the question may be 'What is that part of me that guides me?'. Perhaps it is the child, the artist, the muse or perhaps it is a new part of us, our new found intuitive inner guide (leading us in the best direction, one that feeds the soul). I smile when I say we may need to be careful if we're taking the kid in us shopping for art supplies. 'I want this and this and that and all those things' gets pretty expensive if we give in to the kid in us 😁I've found going shopping with an incredibly exciting sense of wonder also gets expensive, 'I wonder if this and that will make a difference. I'll buy all these things and find out'. While that sense of wonder can be satisfied, when the next big bill comes in the financial manager in us may say 'I warned you not to buy all those things'. Then we may think back to that wonderful shopping spree and recall something in us prompting 'You can't afford all this'.

I believe bringing our self to life is a life long experience. From the artist, the child and the adventurer through the the sage, the pure analyst and the financial manager, there is just so much in us to bring to life. At the same time, I've found the greatest challenges of all can involve dealing with the facets of self that need to be laid to rest. The parts of us that may dictate 'You can't do that', 'You're hopeless at this', 'You serve no purpose in life' are useless and just plain depressing.