I feel like no one understands

[Leleina]

Hi... today is an exceptionally blue day. My husband triggered my depression this morning by criticising my priorities. I get it, I made a mistake and I feel so wrong. Then it just started hurting all morning. I became a monster to myself. I don't know. I feel like no one understands and I am supposed to voice how I feel but I rather not. And I know, it is all eating me up inside, and I tell myself it's ok it's ok of course it's not but what can anyone do about it. Is it a case of a hurt ego from being told off? Letting the masks fall is making me feel so vulnerable, I rather not feel. 

[Petal22]

Hi Leleina,

Im sorry you feel this way.

I understand that your husband criticised your priorities Im sorry it triggered your depression.

People will always say things to us that we don’t agree with this is something we can’t control but what we can control is our reaction to it.

Thats where our power is.

Please speak to yourself with good intentions build yourself up.

You could have a chat to your gp if you want to about the way you have been feeling and how it’s affecting your life.

[therising]

Hi Leleina

My heart goes out to you as you work so hard to manage that trigger, your feelings and your internal dialogue on top of it all.

Personally I'm a gal who's a major feeler. It can be tough going when you have the ability to feel so much while at the same time it's not always clear exactly what it is you're feeling. Feelings are also so dependent on so much. For example, someone could say something critical and if you're all high vibey then that comment is like water off a duck's back. It just doesn't stick or impact you in any way. But if you're exhausted it can be a whole other story. Or you can be so incredibly pleased with yourself that no one at all can change your mind when it comes to what a legend you are. Again nothing sticks. But if that comment is one in a line of many or you're feeling like you just haven't been achieving as much as you'd like (to be able to feel satisfied and proud of yourself), that comment doesn't just stick in your brain, going 'round and 'round, it can seep into every ounce of your being while impacting just about every waking minute of the day.

I think sometimes we can have the 'perfect recipe' for depression: An ounce of exhaustion, a dash of criticism from someone, a dollop of low self-esteem and a shot of feeling completely lost in life. Mix and let it simmer. Or put it all in a pressure cooker and let the pressure build over time.

Not sure if the following will make some difference. I hope so. I've found you can have someone deliver criticism in a way that's inspiring and you can feel that. It almost feels like you're grateful to learn from the experience. It has a lightness to it that you can feel raising you in some way. Then you can have someone who delivers criticism in a way where you can feel the poor delivery. You can feel how lacking in care, consideration and consciousness it is and you can feel it bring you down. I've found it's not necessarily the truth that hurts, it can be the way the truth is delivered to us.

Sometimes our priorities appear a little all over the place but there can be good reasons for that. Making sense of why they appear in the order they do or why we exclude things can at times be more productive than simply criticising the order and that's it.

[ecomama]

Dear Leleina, a warm welcome to the forums. How are you doing tonight? 

This is so sad to read. I know you could have written a lot more! and you're very welcome to share any thing about your situation in the very safe space for you. 

Some times, when we find ourselves in a close relationship with someone who hurts us (regularly), we can't quite put our finger on "what it is"... we just know for sure that this hurts. 

Then we often blame ourselves.

This is NOT your fault. 

Indeed the strength within you is speaking when you say "and I tell myself it's ok it's ok of course it's not" <<< right there... you are spot on. 
It's not. 

You ask "What can anyone do about it" ?? 
A darned lot! 
YOU can make decisions for yourself and YOU can change this situation. 

Re: the talk of depression. Yes I get it. 
There's a saying I'll mix up (sorry lol), it goes something like this... sic  "before you diagnose yourself with some type of mental disorder, it could just be that you're surrounded by aholes". 

Another thing I learnt when I was in a deep depression was this. Some times depression is suppressed anger. 
We suppress and squash these feelings down, natural feelings! Human feelings. 
I thought to myself, well it's time to get angry! 
I did and it helped. Divorce was the cleansing I needed for a beautiful, whole hearted life. 

Love EM

[Leleina]

Thank you for all your support, reading your replies means so much to me. I still feel awkwardly disconnected within myself. It happened again, he pulled me up on the negative traits my mother has that he sees in me and he's right. Opening a wound is rather painful, the exhaustion of being up with the kids, then a can of unopened feelings of sadness mixed with shame and guilt that I need to let go of. I feel like a mess deep inside. On the outside, everything appears 'fine'.  I came in here feeling blue and saw your messages and they are helping my day along, thank you. I did speak with my doctor and trying to work on lifting my mood would help a great deal and snap out of this 'fight/flight' mindframe to calm tf down, and just let the feelings ride themselves out... 

[Leleina]

Love to you too, I felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness swept over me last night and it hasn't dissipated this morning ❤️ but i shall be okay to ride this out for now.  

[Leleina]

I like how you express it and I think that was what he was trying to get across to me last night but deep within me is something that isn't letting it go for some reason I have to process this and I'm really tired so that's not helping. But for now, reading your replies is lifting my mood knowing that I can go on and know my feelings can be here and they are safe, and I can somehow manage that internal dialogue will help me feel better.  

[Leleina]

I will. I just need to process this and feeling my tears finally fall feels like this burden washing off my shoulders in a way. I did speak with my doctor this morning and will somehow meander through today for now... thank you. 

[therising]

Hi Leleina

Nothing quite like someone hitting a raw nerve to get the self questioning up and running. You know that kind of self questioning. Something along the lines of 'What's wrong with me? Why am I so upset by this comment? Why does it effect me so much, mentally and emotionally? Why can't I let it go?' and on it goes. I've found I've become pretty good at recognising a raw nerve being hit in myself. Typically it'll take me straight from zero to 100 in a matter of a second or 2. Rage, BAMM, I'm there. Overwhelming sadness, KAPOW, I'm there in a flash. I can feel it.

A strange comparison but what comes to mind is the kind of raw nerve that resembles a mouse slowly chewing away at an electrical cable, gnawing at the insulation until the wires are eventually exposed. Can happen slowly over time and sometimes you just don't see it coming, the inevitable. Another person's or other people's comments, your own internal dialogue, the exhaustion your mind and body can be facing and so on. Gnaw, gnaw gnaw, until ZAP! You feel it. I find it typically comes at the very height of tolerance, the tipping point (from tolerance into intolerance). I've found the tipping point precedes the turning point in a lot of cases. The turning point, where things begin to change can often start with the question 'What have I been tolerating all this time?'. A lack of something? Too much of something else? An outdated mindset that needs to go? Not channeling a connection with a part of you that needs to come to life far more often? If the sage in you suddenly came to life, I imagine they would be asking you to find the truth, with the question 'Do you realise just how much you've been coping with lately?'. Perhaps you'd be surprised by the answer.

[rhombusslope]

Hi Leleina,

thanks for posting 🙂 it sucks when someone pulls you up on something and it just sets off a chain reaction of emotions. I find that people don’t say thanks for the 100 good things you did but they will criticise the one mistake you make! I relate to your post a lot - when my partner gives me feedback on something, I get hurt and I can be very defensive and distrustful of him. It’s so hard to work out if my feelings are valid or if he’s right (perhaps it’s both). perhaps I criticise him too and having disagreements from time to time is normal. I don’t know. I try and keep trusting my gut and I always have my own back at the end of the day. Having feelings is part of being alive, so don’t go too hard on yourself for having the swirling thoughts. Hopefully people posting here makes you feel less alone, I know it helps me when I read others are going through similar things 🙂 

georgia