I Feel Like I'm Living For Other People

[melbournegirle]

I was diagnosed with depression about four years ago (although after extensive therapy suspect I suffered from it intermittently throughout my teens as well). I've been on medication pretty much for the last four years except for one particularly ill-advised six month period where I decided I didn't need them anymore and luckily recognised the signs of an impending breakdown and went back on them.

I have good times; times when I don't even think about depression and I'm as happy as the happiest person on earth. I have good reason to be happy: my family are amazing and have loved and supported me throughout, I have firm friends who have stuck by me thick and thin, a strong partner and a stable job in a shaky economy. Yet, lately I have just been feeling worse and worse. I attempted suicide a couple of times when I was first diagnosed, and since then have not considered it an option, because I wanted to live for myself and to beat this thing. Now, though, I've realised that I no longer have any desire to live for myself. I guess it's a good thing that I have these wonderful people around me to keep me here but life just...I'm not sure how to put it into words and make it make sense. I feel so sad it hurts, and like life is just passing me by, like I'm just a helpless spectator. I dropped out of uni last year because of my depression and after being one of the top students of my high school I'm now working in retail whilst my friends finish their studies and get "real" jobs. I met my partner at uni (we were both mature age students) and he is in his final year of studies, and if I hadn't continually failed and eventually dropped out, I would be right there beside him. I feel like a failure, and the pain of the sadness is sometimes unbearable.

Sorry this has been so rambly. I guess I just needed to write this out and tell someone other than my psych what is going on. Thanks for reading.

[Light9]

Hi Melbourne Girl...I have only just joined this forum and your post is the first I've read. I'm very familiar with your feelings and often wonder why I seem to feel like a spectator and failure. I honestly believe the pressure we place on ourselves is very damaging and one day I woke up and decided to be ok with less success. Im ok with cruising along quietly now. I did a degree but never used it. I've also never had kids. I think I just reached a point in life where I relaxed and stopped thinking so much. Its such a short life...just chill I say. I really hope this is relevant and speaks to you somehow...I just felt like I related to your post. All the very best and thanks for sharing :)

[Hayley]

Hi Melbournegirle,

I can really feel your sadness come through in what you posted or maybe its because I can relate to you either way thanks so much for sharing. 

I'm sure you did what was right by you at the time. I know that doesn't make it any easier I felt the same sad feelings when I chose to resign from my place of employment because I was so unwell but I just have to believe I did the best thing at the time for me.

I have learned over time with my illness that being patient and accepting my illness comes in waves with setbacks helps with feelings of disapointment and frustration. Best of luck with everything.

[Lucas]

As a mature aged student myself (someone who always put off Uni because they didn't feel smart enough) I can relate, If i had started Uni with all my friends i'd be in a career now rather then "shit kicking" at the bottom and paying off my house with bugger all wages.

 Be thankful for your foundations, other people have less and still struggle and yes it's a struggle, only advice I can offer is that if completing your education and "getting a real job" is so important then do everything in your power to make it so. Weather it's only a few classes a semester or doing it online at night after work (which I'm doing) then it's a start. Good Luck.

[vip]

Hi Melbourne girl. My first sign of depression was when I was studying I gave it all up to and from there things just seemed to get worse. I felt the feelings of failure for many years. I am married now with 1 child and recently have got back into the workforce because 3 years ago I attempted suicide and survived it . I look back and see what traumatuic dramatic time I gave to my family my child and how much everyone would of missed me when I wasnt around. I have done a total 360 with my life and you know what that degree uni whatever doesnt even seem important to me. I am alive I have my son my supportive friends and family and I have survived all this mess. I truly believe stay on your medication seek help and talk talk talk to everyone about how you feel and you will get through this. I am  off my meds now and I am keeping active and I am just enjoying getting up in the morning and seeing what the day has in store. Chin up and keep fighting I feel you have heaps of positive energy. God bless

[giggles]

Hi

Well I am about to write something that you will not expect to read but you are not actually meant to be living up to everyone elses expectations and uni can be one of them. If you listened to your heart and not your head what would you be telling yourself to be doing in this life.Uni is great  for those that belong there but it is not the be all and end all for everyone and this thing about believing that others have a better life because of their achievements is well completely shallow.

When I go out into the community I see people working in the shops etc that absolutely love doing that job and it gives them a sense of being and purpose that is completely right for them it puts heart in their heart.Imagine if those people were not there to do that particular job. Just like those at uni are there to do their job but they are no better than those in all the other jobs out there.

You are here to find out what you are good at not what others tell you to be doing or expect you to be doing.Depression to me is a symptom to yourself that things are not working for you. Your body is actually talking to you listen to it and find something that is going to bring your heart back to you.I survived to share this with you.I suggest you move out of the intellect domain which is basically get out of your own way and let your heart in and find out what it wants you to be doing.Enjoy