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I dont know whats wrong with me?
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My Mom was cheated on when i was in year 9 and my mom was pregnant with my youngest sister. i have 4 siblings i am the second oldest and and oldest daughter.
I am the type of person who has this super bright personality, always has a smile on their face as if i have the most perfect family and my life is this magical place. Everyone who knows me says how am i so super cheerful and bright. Everyone thinks i have everything going good for me. But it's not. My family isn't perfect, I'm nothing near happy and cheerful. Im broken and no one can see it. I'm hurt and no one, not even my mom knows it. she sees me as a rebel, someone who has bad friends and is influenced by them. whereas i don't do anything stupid. i don't party, i don't drink, i don't do shisha, i don't smoke, NOTHING! My older brother is praised by mom for being the best son, not saying he isn't but i am constantly told I'm so useless, i'm not even a proper girl. i don't do the house work, i don't listen, i talk back a lot, I'm just not a daughter she hoped to have.
But i always tried my best in everything i did. i look after my 3 younger siblings as if they are my own children, since i was 7 i bathed, fed, changed their diapers. But it's nothing. I am 18 right now, and no matter what i do my mom always finds a fault in it.
This has ruined my relationship with my mom. we can't talk without even arguing. in a day we at least have an argument. Since my dad has left i always felt like my mom loves my brother more. its like not even a subtle hint anymore, she openly shows it. if i do a mistake and he does the same, im confronted and yelled at right then and there. whereas my brother is off the hook.
And the worst part is i have my exams coming up and i when i tell her i cant do anything because i'm stressed and your always calling me to do chores i cant concentrate. she says so does your brother so you got to do it.
every night im crying to sleep and just thinking i should just run away and leave the house. No one cares about me, they wouldnt even care. my mom doesn't even want me, she has her precious son. I have even packed my bags multiple times just to leave but i just cant seem to make the move.
I don't know how to control my anger
i don't know how to express what i'm feeling to my mom
i don't know how to concentrate on my exams
i just recently went to a psychiatrist and i still feel lost and alone.
i feel fake, like someone who has this mask on everyday so everyone is pleased.
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FakeHuman,
Hello and welcome to beyond blue.
You have a packed a lot of information into a single post and much of it is very sad. I assume from your post that you are finishing high school?
You said that you recently went to a psychiatrist. Was that the first session you had? If so, I see that as more of a session where they collect information from you and in subsequent sessions work on your issues. The other to remember is that whether you see a psychiatrist of psychologist, these things will take time to heal (or fix). So the fact that you feel lost or alone would be "normal". But you have also come and posted here, where you will be able to chat with other people who might similar symptoms of wearing a mask, dealing with life stresses etc.
Do you have another session with the psychiatrist booked? If so, can I ask how far away that is? In between times you have here to chat with people, or if I am correct in that you are finishing high school, you might be able to chat with the school counselor? If you were at Uni, student services should have a similar facility for you to use as well? Any of these would be able to give you techniques to help you manage things, such as relaxation exercises, or calming exercises.
Finally, I try not to fake it anymore, but then again, enough people know what I am dealing with so I am allowed to be honest. Even my kids know of my issues without the gory details.
Writing here also helps gets things out of my mind. I hope you come back to chat more, explore other parts of the forum etc.
Tim
Tim
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Hi FH and welcome,
i want to start of by saying that putting on an act is a normal thing to do. A lot of people do it every day and the reasons and the act will all be according to the situation.
we are taught to ask nicely for thing to get favourable outcomes, we withhold information to avoid enquires. And we lie for our own self advantage. These are all human traits and each of us will use these are verying rates.
I envy the fact you can put on a smile and be cheerful, at a young age I stoped making these expressions. It’s rare that I’m excited or happy and even less obvious to other people. I’m going to tell you a little secret, people who are cheerful and smiling achieve more favourable outcomes and more positive attention from others.
I go through each day telling people I’m alright, because I’m never good. Half the time I feel like crap but it’s rare I tell someone that. We are taught to alway pay an interest in other people and ask how they are, nobody ever notices the lie we tell. But if you told the truth you might have to explain so much and more often then not, nobody can help. We hold the details for the people we believe can help us, the people we trust.
its easy to think we are fake, but I assure you that feelings are often misleading. At the end of the day we all want someone to take the pain away.
when it comes to favouritism between siblings, I often see certain traits. Generally boys are allowed more freedom while girls are moulded towards housewives. Even today we still see inequality between male and females, It was more so not that long ago but we are getting better collectively. Our parents come from a very different past and it can be hard to acknowledge the difference of today.
im not saying this is why she is treating you this way, but I do believe my opinion has some merits, not that it’s acceptable. Not only dose she need to learn how to treat and understand you, but you the same back. That might be a lot to ask of you, it might not be possible now. But maybe one day when your both ready to do away with these negative behaviours, this might make better sence in another context.
when you love someone and chose to spend a large part of your life together, there will be times when you fight and argue. But a relationship is about understanding and accepting each other.
im not saying your wrong, but sometimes we don’t fully understand what another person has been or are going through. It’s not about being right or wrong.
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What I would like to suggest is that you understand your condition, mental health is very complex and untill you understand it, it’s going to be hard to explain it to others.
your doctor or a psychologist is a great resource for helping you understand and mange it, they can also help you build the confidence.
i am assuming you would like that your mother to understands how you feel.
so if you want to talk more deeply about how you feel and think, I am more then happy to help aswell.
I am also in study, bachelors of IT. I find it hard to focus aswell but I am managing. I don’t want to assume or speculate to much without understanding what your going through.
so if you build up the courage I’ll be checking in on this thread for the next few days. It’s okay if you don’t want to talk 🙂
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Hi FH
You express your pain so passionately which leads me to wish I could give you the biggest hug whilst expressing words of great support and reassurance.
Being a mum (to a nearly 16yo daughter and a 13yo son), I wish to begin by telling you that parents can be pretty thoughtless people at times, myself included. Due to stressors in life, a parent may have a tendency to gravitate more toward the so-called 'easygoing' child, which is not always a constructive thing for everyone involved. Whilst I regard both my kids as my primary teachers in life, I would have to say my daughter is my greatest teacher and I have told her so, many times. She is the one who, with her true Scorpio nature, challenges me greatly in the way of evolving and changing my mind (which serves us both in powerful ways). Before I came to see my daughter as being my greatest teacher, I wrongfully saw her as my 'problem child'. I favored my son a little more because he helped feed my self-esteem. My behaviour was selfish, which is something I admit to my daughter.
I wish all parents could see their children as 'valuable teachers', showing gratitude toward the lessons each child has to give. You sound like a beautiful and attentive teacher FH, in the way you have looked after others, in the way you have supported your mum through challenging times and in the way you have shown strength in reaching out for help (such as here and with the psychiatrist). By the way, when it comes to professional help, it can be a little slow going before experiencing results, so persevere when it comes to seeking a payoff.
Working out a roster for chores is not an unreasonable request for you to make. It shows you have a responsible interest in managing things. Each child/person is certainly different from the next so it may be the case that you need more study time than your brother. My bro was an academically gifted sort and loved study, whereas study wasn't my cup of tea. By the way, my bro (the eldest) was 'the golden haired child'. Took me years to understand that whilst my dad contributed greatly to the destruction of my mum and brother's self-esteem, my mum and bro became a bit of self-esteem boosting team. How my mum related to me as a kid was more about her than it was me, if that makes sense. We are the closest of friends now and my mum still continues to apologise, to this day, for treating me like the 'problem child'.
Take care of yourself FH, you are a valuable teacher & gift in this world
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Hi Tim,
sorry about the huge amount of information.
i was feeling many emotions and just couldn't explode while i was home. so i just decided to write in this forum which i came across while searching the net. And yes i am currently finishing year 12.
I last went to my psychiatrist on 2nd of October, she scheduled another one on 20th of this month. And in regards to talking to my school counsel, i really don't feel comfortable with the schools counselors, as i personally feel they gossip about peoples conditions around with other teachers and they talk about it with there favourite students. Maybe i'm paranoid but i just don't like the school counselors and don't feel comfortable sharing anything with them. thats why i chose to just meet one outside school.
and thank you for responding. I am trying to explore and read a lot about other peoples experience and feelings so i don't feel like i'm alone
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Hi. Me again.
You dont need to apologise for providing a lot of information. I just have to be selected in what I reply to. Now since you are seeing a psychiatrist, unless you have some great desire, sticking with one person is probably a good thing. Me... I see a psychologist and psychiatrist, but the psychiatrist leaves all the head stuff to the psychologist. Probably partly to do with session duration, and not wanting to interfere.
If you want to chat some more, give me a shout. Or if you have a question.
Tim
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Hi therising,
i express this pain so passionately because its something i've always practised with myself to tell my mom how i feel and how her actions have impacted me. I try to tell her even now, but i sometimes may angrily explain it. which evidently doesn't seem to work, but i get so worked up it just slips.
I have always tried to understand my mom but i just feel like we cant talk without arguing. But i also get very stressed when i'm always told to be understanding of her. Because i truly do, and i truly try to do what she asks of me. But sometimes i may forget or blank out when asked to and it just escalates from there. I just wish if my mom tries to understand me the slightest bit like how you did with your daughter so that she can just get rid of that "problematic child" image of her head.
I have honestly tried so much to ask her to share the chores and split the responsibility but my brother is somehow always 'tired' and always 'busy with uni' and even if i finish from work i come home to stacks of dishes waiting for me. I've told my brother to please understand as you may have gone through this when he was younger but again i'm told "understand mom, you are her daughter, you got to find your way in her heart" like as if i'm not trying... So i haven't for now touched a lot of chores due to exam prep. But she's still mad.
As a parent, would you recommend me to tell her that i am seeking help and the reasons as to why i chose to receive help? Because i haven't told anyone about my visits.
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Hi FH
Telling your mum about the help you are receiving is another way of communicating the fact that you are seriously not coping well with the challenges you are facing in life at the moment. Expressing how deep the challenges have truly come to be for you could be a constructive form of communication. Of course, this is my opinion. Someone else may suggest something altogether different.
If you do decide to tell your mum, do you think it would be most effective to do so verbally or in a letter perhaps? I've done the letter thing with my husband in the past, on a couple of occasions. I've found this to be of benefit in multiple ways
- I can express myself freely, without interruption or the opportunity for argument
- I can express myself thoughtfully, editing my words so that my expression becomes conscious, clear and relateable, as much as possible. I don't leave out or forget the points I find most important in regard to what troubles me
- It gives the receiver a chance to re-read the words, in order to gain a true understanding of them
Depending on who is receiving our words, different approaches (regarding communication) suit different people. By the way, when I've done the letter thing in the past, I have always made sure it reflects my perception. This way it's not an accusatory thing. For example (say in your case): When I come home and see all the dishes stacked up for me, I sometimes see this as people repeatedly dismissing some of the struggles and pressures I'm truly facing. I feel my brother is often freed from responsibilities at home and I am left to wonder why this is the case and why other people's challenges in life are considered to be greater than mine. Whilst I value others in the house and have always supported them as much as I am mentally and physically able to, I am left to wonder why others have such difficulty in recognising my value and the support I truly need at times. Accusatory words, in regard to others, would read: You are selfish and you don't care about me. You love my brother more than me. Accusatory communication leads others to become defensive, often leading to a shut down in communication.
As I say to my kids, relationships often come down to our ability to relate to each other. If you and your mum can come to relate to what each other is feeling, I imagine it will help strengthen the relationship. Compromise is a common promise, an agreement made, bringing people together in support of each other.
Take care FH
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Hi FH,
I too am currently finishing year 12, and I also find it stressful. I know that we are under different circumstances concerning our stress, but I want you to know that we're both in this together.
Sometimes, I also think no one loves me, or no one cares about me because I'm stuck in my room almost every day studying for exams, only ever going out to eat, or late at night to watch some mindless TV. Usually, I put on a mask too, a mask of nothingness. I don't feel any emotion whatsoever during those times. I'm just an empty shell. Sometimes I too, feel like walking out of this house with my bags packed, but I can't bring myself to even pack. Thoughts like that only happen when I'm really down, which was when I started studying.
I guess what I'm trying to say, is that I know what you're going through when it comes to the stress of study, and feeling that no one cares for you. We're in this together. Everything will turn out alright in the end. I wish you luck in your exams and pray that everything turns out for you.
Best wishes,
M.